I disagree with my husband

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:03 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

What is he trying to teach him?

Because the lesson he's getting across is that when someone gets up I grab his seat and disregard his emotions and basic mentchlichkeit. Oh and then I don't need to give it back when asked because I happen to be in a position of power.

That’s exactly how he acts. He’s a terrible father (and husband).
I pity my precious kids (4 under age 5) .
I’ve been trying to speak to his rav but nobody to talk to. He just laughs it off.

behappy2

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:04 am

amother OP wrote:

He hates my husband at age 5. My husband blames it on me and says I’m ruining my kids.

That is very classic abuse. There are professionals who can guide you on how to deal with your husband.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:08 am

There are deeper problems here but it sounds like this issue can easily be resolved by instituting designated seats. Abba has Abba’s chair, and yes it is good chinuch in derech eretz that the child is taught not to sit in Abba’s chair. Then child can have his own chair that Abba won’t kick him out of because Abba has his own chair available. Plus Abba feels good that child is being taught to never sit in his chair.

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:12 am

amother Electricblue wrote:

I told my husband this many times. He says no- wherever I choose to sit becomes my seat.

WhatFor

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I told my husband this many times. He says no- wherever I choose to sit becomes my seat.

This is the behaviour of an abusive person. Stop talking to his rav, he's an enabler. Please please find yourself a professional to talk to. For just yourself, not your DH.

amother

Poinsettia

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:35 am

You need to start taking some control of the situation. Your kids will grow up to hate him, and hate you for leaving them in this situation.

Start standing up for yourself. Don't be passive. Be active. Speak up. Don't allow it.

Find a proper professional to speak to.

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:36 am

WhatFor wrote:

This is the behaviour of an abusive person. Stop talking to his rav, he's an enabler. Please please find yourself a professional to talk to. For just yourself, not your DH.

Do you think there’s anything to do about it?
I’m scared to talk to someone about it because I don’t want to focus on it and then get more upset

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:38 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Thanks wow I should only share more stories… I wasn’t sure if it was imagination that this is wrong!

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:41 am

amother OP wrote:

That’s exactly how he acts. He’s a terrible father (and husband).
I pity my precious kids (4 under age 5) .
I’ve been trying to speak to his rav but nobody to talk to. He just laughs it off.

Ask him what he's trying to accomplish/ what his goal is and when he tells you to teach respect or whatever tell him you agree that respect needs to be taught but this isn't teaching it. Tell him how it's being perceived and tell him you want to think of ideas to teach respect. Let's put a few chairs at the table and tell kids that because we respect Totty he will choose the chair that works for him and now we'll show the kids which chair is special to Totty. After totty chose, now kids can choose, because Totty is first.

Show him that teaching respect is important to you. Tell him this isn't respect and isn't ok with you. And tell him what IS respect and how you'll both teach it.

WhatFor

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:52 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you think there’s anything to do about it?
I’m scared to talk to someone about it because I don’t want to focus on it and then get more upset

Your brain is not going to let you or your children ignore it. If you try to solve it by simply not focusing on it, unfortunately you're creating a big risk of developing a mental and/or physical illness. No one should be living with this kind of behavior from a spouse or parent. I'm so sorry.

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:53 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I tried to have that conversation with him.
He says he wants it this way. Kids have to know that whatever he says goes.
Also, he doesn’t start the same time. He comes in while everyone is sitting and chatting , eating nicely. And then he disrupts everything

WhatFor

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:56 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I don't think this is good advice for op's situation. He specifically doesn't want a designated chair and wants to take a chair from someone already seated just to show them he's dominant. The whole family doesn't need to walk on eggshells and wait to sit at the table until the bully decides which chair he wants. What if he waits until halfway through the meal and changes his mind? What op's dh is doing is cruel by design.

WhatFor

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:59 am

amother OP wrote:

I started dreading him walking into the kitchen during meals. He ruins every meal time by turning calm into a stress.

This is very telling. People in healthy relationships don't dread their spouse joining them for dinner with the kids.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 2:06 am

WhatFor wrote:

This is the behaviour of an abusive person. Stop talking to his rav, he's an enabler. Please please find yourself a professional to talk to. For just yourself, not your DH.

This. Call Shalom task force and ask for a therapist who understands abuse. The therapist will help you with ideas how to react to him.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 2:11 am

He does it in the name of derech eretz. That's religious abuse. Your husband is a rasha. A normal person naturally wants to contribute and create harmony and peace in his home. He is causing tremendous emotional suffering to his family. You do not deserve this and it's your responsibility to protect your children from this. Does he ever show empathy?

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 2:49 am

amother Oatmeal wrote:

No. It always hurt me. But I looked away in the name of peace.

You know what- my son went away when I had a baby and the fist time he came home I was sitting with him and reconnecting with him in the e kitchen and my husband came in and disrupted the whole thing by taking his chair.
My son was in such an emotional mood and ended up leaving the kitchen and cried for over an hour. There was nothing I could do to calm him down.
Then I was faced with a raging husband because I didn’t teach my son ….

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 2:51 am

amother Oatmeal wrote:

This. Call Shalom task force and ask for a therapist who understands abuse. The therapist will help you with ideas how to react to him.

Do you have the number?
Will it be confidential?
Are they expensive?

Jewishmom8

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 4:19 am

tell your husband that you want to go together to therapy to get more parenting skills
find a way to bring him with you,
if not then you must go yourself.
the stuff you are "swallowing" is going to grow bigger and bigger and you need to get tools how to handle it.