Humid heat + chassidish... HELP!

amother

Jetblack

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:10 am

watergirl wrote:

So this would not be relevant to OP because her kehilla seems to not hold by these standard teachings.

The dynamics of Meshichist Lubavitchers is slightly different than the Na Nach dynamic witjpre mainstream Breslov so the above doesn't really apply. All Lubavitchers follow the same basic structure of standards in practical halacha and different more in hashkafa. Not sure if I explained it well.

amother

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:11 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Isn't it chabad to davka wear longer wigs? I agree that putting your wig in a pony, bun, or braid will to a world of a difference.

My Rav holds that long wigs aren't tznius. Rav Ashkenazi of Kfar Chabad also said that sheitels need to be shoulder length or shorter. I think the very long wigs thing is much more common in the US than in Israel.

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:37 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:15 am

I'm chassidish and I wear a maxi skirt with cotton socks and a fall in the summer. I don't care what my community standard is. I know that the way I dress is perfectly tznius. At a certain point you have to just start thinking for yourself. Community standards in chareidi communities are just a lot of peer pressure, nothing to do with tznius.

WitchKitty

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:16 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Beit She'an is like a humidifier on drugs.

Best definition I've ever heard.

OP, as mentioned, it really depends what kind of sheitel you can wear.
First of all, even with two that to an untrained eye look exactly the same- some are more comfortable. I don't really understand much about sheitels, but I would guess that less hair count is thinner and less hot, no?
Also, definitely do not use one with bangs. They stick on your forehead all summer. Get one that the whole sheitel is the same length, and pin up the front hair with clips.
And yes, ice cubes, ices. SHOWERS. And SHORT HAIR.
I cut my hair to shoulder length a few months ago and it is life changing. Just that extra 7 cm really makes a difference for the heat.

watergirl

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:22 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Oh, totally. I know. My reason for mentioning it was just that I know what its like to be part of a chassidus with a fringe group (even though I'm not part of the fringe). I was stating it to show OP that I am on her side and not coming from a place of judgement. Thats all.

Re: standards of halacha - clearly thats not true, because OP said that her rav has instructed her to follow a certain sefer that is NOT the standard in Chabad. I know very little about Mashichist standards, but from what I know, each kehilla is an island of its own and does not have one Manhig, unlike mainstram Chabad which has the international headquarters and more of a set of standards. And like, you, I am also not sure if I am explaining myself correctly!

amother

Jetblack

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:43 am

watergirl wrote:

This conversation is quite beyond the scope of this thread but I do think the OP and her Rav could use another conversation or two about the sefer he recommended. It has nothing to do with Meshichist or not, it's a different issue.

amother

Maroon

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:44 am

chabad here -- for a while I had to be in Eilat during summers (long story ...)

wore a very short sheitel (would never go out without wearing a sheitel) which helped enormously/pony sheitel any length you choose could also help
long skirt
sox or knee high hose
cotton button down top
comfortable lightweight shoes
not much makeup little or no jewelry carried kleenex and wipes if I was really sweating used a strong deodorant
comfortable lightweight underclothes
again, breathable materials like cotton

stayed inside as much as possible during midday/hottest hours

if possible set up water activities, even cups of water play, for the kids

if necessary during the week carried a small handheld battery operated fan and a spritzer bottle of ice water

ate and drank ices/cold/tons of water/took frozen water bottles with me and used them to cool off also, even got a carrier for that at one point

I was fine -- these strategies also worked when I had to be tel aviv area

I really encourage you and hope you do find an excellent mentor/mashpia as there does seem to be a pattern, understandable, of conflating many issues together and not necessarily being fully on board with DH's path -- sounds challenging -- obviously when one is on board and living in alignment with ones hashkafa then while it can be challenging at times it is overall easier to do that which we feel is purposeful

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Thu, May 02 2019, 10:54 am

watergirl wrote:

Re: standards of halacha - clearly thats not true, because OP said that her rav has instructed her to follow a certain sefer that is NOT the standard in Chabad.

I wouldn't really agree with that part- firstly I think chabad in Israel is quite different in many ways to how it is outside of Israel, particularly in the US. The book is part of a series by Rabbi Shimon Gadasi which is a staple in any chabad home here.

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:40 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:00 am

you like all of us can choose to hold by any book that is your choice

if so you can find a way to make it work

you, like anyone, would benefit from a support group, peer network , community of likeminded people -- you could even go to or start a mom and tot/baby group could meet for an hour or so periodically

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Jetblack

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:08 am

Israeli_C wrote:

I have that Sefer as well as do most Lubavitchers in America but the general Lubavitch Hashkafa is not exactly as that Sefer says, hence the vital need of a mashpia to help you navigate the various ins and outs.

watergirl

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:11 am

Israeli_C wrote:

Ok! I hope I haven't offended, that was not my intention! Listen to the wise Chabad ladies on here and find your OWN Mashpia. Please. Hatzlacha!

Rappel

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:32 am

Israeli_C wrote:

Many thanks for the insiders insight! It's helpful to talk to someone from the same background. I've never heard of a pony sheitel- how does that work? My Rav holds that a sheitel needs to be no longer than shoulder length, it is possible to get one like that?

Interesting. We have a Shneerson family here (great-nephew of the Rebbe, I believe), and the wife wears a sheitel down to her waist, long skirts, and very fashionable, tzanua clothing.

The same goes for all the Chabad families here.

One woman recently gave birth to twins, and I attended the boy's brit. Many of her Chabad friends and family attended, and they had long, done up sheitels, and many wore fancy maxi dresses.

Just from these observations, I think Israeli Chabad considers long skirts, and other similar fashion choices, legitimate.

ETA - I just read through the rest of the thread. I don't know if they're meshichist, but I think so. The boy was named "Menachem Mendel Melech."

Last edited by Rappel on Thu, May 02 2019, 11:53 am; edited 5 times in total

Rappel

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:37 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

chabad here -- for a while I had to be in Eilat during summers (long story ...)

wore a very short sheitel which helped enormously/pony sheitel any length you choose could also help
long skirt
sox or knee high hose
cotton button down top
comfortable lightweight shoes
not much makeup little or no jewelry carried kleenex and wipes if I was really sweating used a strong deodorant
comfortable lightweight underclothes
again, breathable materials like cotton

stayed inside as much as possible during midday/hottest hours

if possible set up water activities, even cups of water play, for the kids

if necessary during the week carried a small handheld battery operated fan and a spritzer bottle of ice water

ate and drank ices/cold/tons of water/took frozen water bottles with me and used them to cool off also, even got a carrier for that at one point

I was fine -- these strategies also worked when I had to be tel aviv area

I really encourage you and hope you do find an excellent mentor/mashpia as there does seem to be a pattern, understandable, of conflating many issues together and not necessarily being fully on board with DH's path -- sounds challenging -- obviously when one is on board and living in alignment with ones hashkafa then while it can be challenging at times it is overall easier to do that which we feel is purposeful

hugs and hatzlocha

Can I like this twice? What great, practical advice.

kollel wife

Thu, May 02 2019, 11:52 am

I'm litvishe - don't think this problem is unique for any type, but depends on the climate and the heat or humidity level.

Being out in the heat is hard for any mother watching kids. Wearing cotton and not polyester is the most helpful thing I can think of. Also there are cotton blouses that look presentable, not shleppy, but are more loose fitting. Also you might think this is crazy, I wear a cotton cropped shell, or cotton undershirt-not knit, more like a blouse material underneath so the clothing doesn't get sweaty so much, just the underneath, which then goes in the laundry. The clothes last longer like that. The outdoor watching kids sheitel, should be kept just for that. Other going out without them can be a different sheitel - if necessary wear the Shabbos one during the week.I also ditto the water activities and carrying water bottles.

amother

Thu, May 02 2019, 12:08 pm

Rappel wrote:

I think it really depends on which Rav the family follow. Although somehow I can't imagine the Rebbitzin Chaya Mushka with a wig down to her waist! I sought tznius advice from the local shlucha and she was pretty honest about it and said not to take example from her because she does a lot of things which wouldn't be considered the ideal of tznius (very form fitting skirts above the knee, very high heels, blouses well below the collarbone etc). Tznius on paper doesn't always match up to what we see in reality. Even if their surname is Shneerson Tongue Out

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:49 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cyan

Thu, May 02 2019, 12:14 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

There's a loooot of ground between what you're describing in this post and the requirements per the book you're using. Not necessarily is the most restrictive even the most ideal.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, May 02 2019, 12:24 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

Definitely learning halacha from people's behavior isn't the right way to go as we all have struggles and places we need to improve. Another plug for getting a mashpia Smile

amother

Maroon

Thu, May 02 2019, 12:59 pm

I don't want to get into a debate about it but have to mention Op that I know very many shluchim all over the world for many years (often through work) and while there is a range I don't know any shluchim who dress as you describe. Cant fully imagine the community in which you must live.

finallyamommy

Thu, May 02 2019, 1:34 pm

I second the advice to talk to FranticFrummie. She's also married to an overenthusiastic Chabadnik and may have some advice. (And she's a friend of mine and a great person and has her head on pretty straight. Trust her.)

But anyway, the bottom line, IMO, is you can't dress in a way that makes you miserable. All the rabbis and books aren't the ones who are chasing four small children in humid heat. You risk making yourself sick, chas vesholom, if you aren't careful.

For practical advice, my thoughts are: keep both your hair and your sheitel as short as you can get away with. I think in Chabad they davka don't shave but keep the hair a tefach long? And a chin length bob for a sheitel at least won't have sticky hair on your neck. Carry a squirt bottle with you for quick shpritzing of your face. Thigh highs are infinitely better than full tights (though for full disclosure, I also try to wear full tights these days.) Cotton material, light colors, try not to layer. And DRINK. More than you think you need. 3 liters minimum, especially if you are nursing. (Honestly, drinking enough is a problem for me, because I never want to schlep the weight of extra water.)

I do think the best thing would be to ditch the sheitel when you can--everyone I know who is chassidish wears turbans or pretieds or chenille snoods instead of sheitels when it's impractical (after birth, in the rain, when it's super hot, etc.). But I guess Chabad is different.

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 02 2019, 2:12 pm

DH (stbx) says that by Chabad, they don't allow shaving because it could make the DH not attracted to his wife.

Interestingly, Rebbitzin Chaya Mushka never wore a sheitel. She wore small hats that showed almost all of her hair.

In Crown Heights, the majority of Chabad moms under 30 wear $6,000 sheitels down to their waist, pencil skirts that just come to the knee, and 4 inch heels. Some wear sheer nylons in the summer, and some just shave their legs. I usually don't care much about what other people think of me, but when I was there I definitely felt old and dumpy compared to how glamorous and made up the other women looked.