S/o PSA if you are having guests who have a baby under 6 mon

amother

Coral

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't generally. But it was scary being in a pitch black cold empty quiet room for 40 minutes alone with my own thoughts and nothing to look at or read. I have anxiety and being alone in a small, dark, cold space, in an uncomfortable nursing position for 40 minutes was nerve wracking. I almost had a panic attack. I came home crying.

OP this is not the host's fault. Was there a Shabbos light in the room? Did you expect an extra room for nursing? Did you expect books or magazines in the room? Would a chair have helped you? I really do not think this created the anxiety. You were given a room to sleep with a bed I assume. Not sure what would have prevented you from scary thoughts or your anxiety acting up. Maybe it was uncomfortable to nurse in bed. If they did not have a Shabbat light, that could be a sweet gift to buy for them the next time you go for Shabbos. I hope you are feeling better.

amother

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:23 pm

amother Grape wrote:

Well no, I BH have several kids and know how to use a nursing cover. And I don’t go places where there are several strange men. And in my circles people don’t nurse at a table either but they wouldn’t stare, that would be rude and people try to be polite to guests.

Honestly in the situation you’ve described I would have gone home and scrounged up some food.

We were sleeping by a friend nearby so that wasn't an option. We lived about an hour walk away.

amother

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:24 pm

amother Coral wrote:

I was not sleeping there. There was no shabbos light or any light in the room and it was freezing cold.

amother

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:25 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

OP have you reached out to your provider about possible postpartum anxiety?

I had anxiety before having this baby. I mean if someone told me to go into a dark cold room alone for. 40 minutes without anything to do I'd be anxious. This doesn't have anything to do with being postpardum.

BrisketBoss

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:26 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

Why can't you nurse on a chair in the bathroom?

And honestly if your nursing sessions take 40 minutes and you're likely to have two of them during the meal, that sounds like a pretty big inconvenience for your host. I would be thinking of that more than the fact that you had to nurse in dark room. Maybe now isn't the right time for you to be accepting invitations.

No one should have to nurse in a bathroom and that actually sounds pretty rude to do when you have a little baby. Stop hogging the bathroom!

Not sure how it inconveniences the hostess simply to spend a long time nursing? Is it because she wanted the company, the help? IME meals take long enough that I spend a long time at the table still too. And my husband is the more social one.

(Is it also rude to host when you have a breastfeeding newborn?)

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Sun, May 07 2023, 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

Rappel

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm so sorry.

I understand wanting to go out for Shabbat - I'm pretty social too.

I cannot recommend enough the poncho-style nursing covers. It's basically a short skirt that covers from your shoulders to your hips, allowing you to set up the baby and your shirt however you need to, and then sit in tsanua comfort. When I couldn't buy one, I shortened a peasant skirt to act as one -- it did the job very well. And then you can sit in the living room, or wherever you feel comfortable, and enjoy your Shabbat.

Last edited by Rappel on Sun, May 07 2023, 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Oleander

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:32 pm

I'm wondering if I messed up by offering my guests my nursery to nurse in. It has a really comfy chair, but is generally pretty dark and cool because that's how my baby sleeps...

I've had guests go nurse on the couch with a cover, or ask for another room so I offer the dark nursery.

BrisketBoss

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:33 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

I think it's fine. I'm often the one nursing on a couch out of direct view from the table.

amother

Chambray

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:35 pm

I already posted how surprised I am at the responses but reading through more responses and I’m really just blown away at the insensitivity and ignorance about breastfeeding.

You can’t “just give a bottle” when you’re exclusively breastfeeding. That’s not how it works, especially at 3 months postpartum. First of all, you will start leaking milk. Second of all you are still establishing your supply and giving bottles even occasionally can interfere with that if you’re planning to only nurse. I’ve pumped/breastfed in restaurant bathrooms, back seats of cars, a stall in an office bathroom, clothing store dressing rooms etc. No one said it’s always convenient, but many of us choose to do it anyway.

It is not unheard of to nurse for 45 mins at 3 months postpartum. Definitely at the longer end but still can be normal, especially if her pediatrician is ok with it.

Expecting a bedroom or semi private space to nurse in is NOT THE SAME as expecting a pack n play/crib/stroller from your host without discussing.

Putting a newly postpartum guest in a cold dark basement and basically saying “too bad” when she asks for another spot is extremely insensitive. I’ve nursed in plenty of messy bedrooms over the years. Definitely prefer that to a pitch black basement.

Op I’m sorry people are responding so harshly. Maybe I wouldn’t have used the word “traumatic” but I definitely agree that your host should have been more accommodating.

amother

Fern

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:42 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

When you're going to someone for just a meal you can't expect a room as well without asking in advance. That's not a normal expectation when going out for a meal.

amother

Iris

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:45 pm

Op, sorry but I respectfully disagree. 40 minutes is a really long time to nurse, especially more than once. (Yes, I had special needs children who had to eat etc on special diets and formulas etc).
Maybe next time take a bottle? That’s what I would do. (Yes, I’m as pro nursing as they come, nurse till 3 etc.)
And I’ll add that if I had a quiet dark room to nurse for 40 minutes at a time (!!!!) I’d probably fall asleep. Even sitting on the floor. Sounds like a dream come true to me!

amother

Chambray

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:47 pm

amother Fern wrote:

When you're going to someone for just a meal you can't expect a room as well without asking in advance. That's not a normal expectation when going out for a meal.

You’re not expecting a room to sleep in! It can be a folding chair in a bedroom, living room or even in a bathroom or big closet if necessary. Again, I personally have never ever had anyone think twice when I asked. I really find this very strange that so many people think this is an extreme request.

amother

Navy

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:51 pm

Oy OP I’m so sorry you experienced this. I had my first recently and he took an hour to nurse each feeding, it was horrible. Turns out he didn’t have a good latch and had to work very hard to get food. I ended up stopping to nurse and my whole life improved. BH for formula!

I don’t know if nursing him this long and often is tolerable to you the rest of your time when you’re not a guest but if it’s stressing you out, I would really advise you to think about if you want to switch to formula.

I totally get why this was traumatic for you. I think seeking help for some ppd or ppa would probably be a good idea. So many women have experienced the agony of ppd or ppa, you’re not alone. I don’t know why this thread is being so mean to you! Honestly disgusting of everyone.

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP, I'm with you on this. I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic experience. I would have hated it x

amother

Iris

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:53 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

Why ever not?

I've eaten out by people who didn't have any spare rooms and I nursed on a chair in the bathroom. If they have a tiny apartment there isn't much of a choice. I don't get the issue.

Agree. And sometimes the bathrooms are pretty nice-like the only air conditioned room at the zoo or amusement park.