rude!only one bed in guestroom!

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Rude!only one bed in guestroom!

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amother

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:06 am

im a BT and my parents really want to have my husband and me over for shabbos...the problem is that their guestroom only has one bed. and im in nidda.im so frustrated by thsi situation. they are realy excited for us to come but im not letting dh sleep on the floor....what would u do?

Ruchel

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:10 am

Why rude? it's the standard in most houses I've visited. They can't know you a nidda, and if they are not frum I doubt they know frum people don't sleep in the same bed when nida.

Nomad

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:15 am

ask rav if you can put a bunch of pillows between you 2 as a barrier...

why rude? do your parents intricately know the laws of nidda?

flowerpower

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:16 am

How about investing in a folding bed and leaving it in the guest room folded for emergencies like these?

KAlex

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:19 am

In my parents' house ב''ה I know where to discreetly find the old foldable mattress my brother used to use for sleep-overs. Otherwise we just bring a sleeping bag.

They aren't supposed to know if you're nidda or not, and if they aren't frum they probably would think it rude to give a married couple twin beds.

Last edited by KAlex on Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:21 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:20 am

its rude because ive explained these laws of nidda multiple times and they are just like "wha?"
I know they dont mean it in a malicious way they just dont get it but it still bothers me...
and I would totally invest in an air mattress or fold out bed for later but if I broguht it now it would be OBVIOUS why and I dont need them knowing my nidda status

FraydaSue

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:22 am

It's the same thing when you go on vacation and find that it's the "wrong time of month" and there is only one bed

What about investing in a rubber mattress or something that you can keep in the car for such emergencies? Or better yet - if you have a good relationship with you Mother, explain the problem to her; you may be amazed at how understanding she is.

My Mother wasn't yet frum when I married, and I had to explain chuppa nidda Crying

to her. She was totally wowed by the fact that people can have such self-control!

Boys"R"Us

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:23 am

I just bought a fold out foam mat yesterday, at Costco. It folds into a plastic bag and can be easily carried on your shoulder. They might not notice it, till you've left?

~Debbie

KAlex

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:24 am

So bring the air bed in a bag and put it up in your room. If they're liable to see it once up they'd be just as liable to notice did you use one bed or two.

Tamiri

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 11:24 am

Foldable camp cots weigh next to nothing, can be put in a duffel bag, and are probably more comfortable than a thin mattress on the floor.
There are air mattresses in all sizes which come with their own pump and in a duffel of their own, and are quite comfortable to sleep on as long as there are no holes in the mattress and you find yourself on the floor at some point.
Take responsibility and don't fret.

ValleyMom

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 9:51 pm

What about just having your hubby use a sleeping bag ON the bed?

ra_mom

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 9:58 pm

ValleyMom wrote:

What about just having your hubby use a sleeping bag ON the bed?

That won't help with the Halachic problem.

Atali

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 10:02 pm

amother wrote:

If you don't want it to be obvious then put out the air mattress every time, whether you need it or not.

notme

Thu, Dec 24 2009, 2:06 am

We tell my in-laws we need two beds with space in between them all of the time. We won't stay in a room that isn't set up this way. From now on always have two beds set up even if you don't need it. Invest in a cot or blow up mattress and store it there. Every time your over set it up this way.

aishestc

Thu, Dec 24 2009, 3:45 am

I'm not so sure you are right about it being a problem if they know you are nidda. You are supposed to keep a leil tevila secretive, and it is probably preferable not to disclose if you are *not* a nidda for tznius purposes, but I don't recall the opposite being true. (Not that I am telling you to announce it to the world, which I'm sure is also a breech in tznius.) At least in frum crowds, it does sometimes become quite obvious to see a couple awkwardly trying not to hand each other keys or especially a baby, etc., but we don't bend halacha just because people might know you are nidda. So I think the option of explaining to your mother that you simply can't stay by her without two beds is totally sanctioned by halacha (though of course you can ask a shaala if you want), and whether you offer to bring your own fold-up bed to keep at their house or ask if they can get one is up to you. Then, of course, as others have suggested, insist that it is always there regardless of your personal status (which you should not have to reveal again after this), and that is just as much a criteria for you to be able to stay for Shabbos as having available a place to bentch licht and kosher food. But, no, neither you or your husband should have to sleep on the floor, and it is k'dai to nip it in the bud and be straightforward about this, as these are your parents, and I assume this will not be the last time they will want you to sleep by them for Shabbos.

amother

Thu, Dec 24 2009, 7:07 am

amother wrote:

sorry, in my book, that is still not "Rude." Granted I am an FFB so maybe I just don't get it, but they could perhaps just not understand, or think this "jewish law" only applies in your own house, or think that it only applies when you "get" your period (ie, that night? not for the next ~11 days?), or a million other things.

Honestly, I think you are going about this all wrong. There is no "issur" against someone knowing you are Niddah. it is not so tzniyusdik to share with others information about your leil tevila for obvious reasons, but telling someone, I am NOT allowed to touch or sleep with my DH during this time, remember, I explained that to you 6 months ago? one of our jewish laws? is not inappropriate at all. she knows you are an adult, and she knows you get your period. ask her if she could accomidate you - she probably did not fully grasp the concept, as this is one of those "odd" ones to non jews and uninformed nonreligious jews.

an air matress is like 50 dollars, including the pump. you can fit it in a backpack. not at all obvious - and again, even if it is - you are not doing anything that is not modest by sharing with someone (lets call a spade a spade here), by virtue of your actions, "I am not allowed to have s*x with my DH or even hold his hand, right now."

and just a simple question - you dont want your DH to sleep on the floor, no offense, but why dont you sleep on the floor?

KAlex

Thu, Dec 24 2009, 8:12 am

amother wrote:

and just a simple question - you dont want your DH to sleep on the floor, no offense, but why dont you sleep on the floor?

Don't know about the OP, but my DH was taught that the halacha is that if there's only one bed, the wife has to get it. I offered to take my turn (repeatedly), but he wasn't having any of it.

Rodent

Thu, Dec 24 2009, 11:45 pm

My mother's not Jewish. Her spare room has one double bed. She bought a camp mattress thing for when we both stay (sometimes it's just me and the kids). In public we act as if we're nidda all the time. Don't hand things to each other etc. So we ALWAYS set up both beds also. It's noone's business and by doing things this way people will never know. It prevents a lot of this sort of awkwardness and it may be something you should consider. In the past he'd just come and join me in the bed sometimes, now I generally share the bed with my eldest son (he's 3) so that won't be happening.

life'sgreat

Thu, Dec 24 2009, 11:50 pm

I also think you should get a folding cot (there are some pretty comfortable folding cots for a reasonable price) and bring it into the room every time you come. They'll get used to it being there and won't think twice about it. Even more, maybe they'll finally agree to get a second bed?

mummiedearest

Mon, Dec 28 2009, 1:54 pm

invest in the blow up mattress, and tell your mom that you are bringing it so you can keep it in the closet so you don't have to worry next time they want you to come over. they don't have to know you're in nidda.

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