How do you react when pple comment on # of kids?

Rodent

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 12:35 am

Gosh, we only have 3 but they're close together and we do get comments. 3 isn't unheard of here (I think the average number of kids per woman is about 1.7) but more than that is pretty rare (generally those with one of each relations stop there, some may go one more). We don't get as many comments as many because we have all boys and people presume if we have more it's because we're trying for a girl specifically. We already get comments on that, when #3 was born someone asked me what we had at home. When I told her two boys she said in a very disappointed tone "oh, you were trying for a girl." So I said "No, we were trying for a baby and that's what we got and we're very happy!" Think people, think!

Someone my husband used to work with when told of #3 said "gosh, don't you have a tv?" to which he replied "yes, actually we do, but with the quality of programming these days what would you rather be doing?" He could do nothing but concede Wink

I remember reading somewhere about a reply to "gosh you've got your hands full" -- "and my heart". I always thought it was cute but when people say that to me I find it kinda corny to actually say so I just agree with them and move on.

Someone asked if I was crazy last week when I said my kids' ages but I couldn't disagree with her Wink

life'sgreat

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 12:47 am

Rodent wrote:

You have your hands full.

Right, but you should see my heart.

chayamommy

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 5:39 am

Personally, as a mother of two, who got married a bit later in life (30) for frum standards and as a BT I am one of those people who can't understand how people handle having one kid after another. I don't make comments to people to their faces but I do wonder inside how they do it! I do wonder if they are taking care of their children the best they can by having so many and/or spaced closely. I know that I have been awakened almost every night for the past four years and I am so tired...but I am NOT willing let they them "cry it out" because of it. Maybe some are blessed with good sleepers or very calm nerves but I have a hard time understanding for the rest of us how we can raise our children really well (with a happy and healthy mommy) under these circumstances. That is why my eyes bug out when I learn that someone has B"H 12 children or one every year for example. I see some of these mothers just putting their kids in day care at a very young age so they can "continue with their lifestyle." I'd rather have fewer children and raise them well. This is not to say that some can do it and do it beautifully (kol hakavod!) but I have to wonder for the vast majority. People talk about how a lot of people with large families in the frum community have kids that basically run wild. They don't necessarily have the best middos--maybe because their parents don't have time/energy to deal with the balagon in their homes. Again, this is not directed at all (or even most people), but just something to think about.

I also don't know why people in the frum world are so darn private about their fertility schedule and status. What's the big deal?

I know my opinion is not going to be popular on the forum. I come from a very different world than most of you and sometimes I wonder if this is really not the site for me. I am a worldly ba'alas teshuva and it's hard for me to relate to some of the opinions and lifestyles of many of the (seemingly very nice) women here.

But for what it's worth, this is MY opinion and maybe it will give a different perspective.

And, yes, for the record, I AM jealous of those women who can handle a large family well and also have time for themselves for their sanity and personal growth (but I have a hard time seeing how this is done!).

energy11

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 6:25 am

Chayamom,

It is one thing to be happy with what you have, and another to critisize others that have more than you!
So what if our big families have kids acting wild? Even terribly wild?
SO WHAT?
At least they're alive!!!
They might be wild for a few years, and yes, maybe we don't have enough time for each one of them, granted! But in a few years they will turn into beautiful adults, just sit and watch! I have seen it so many times!!
What we need is precious Neshamos to come down on earth and bring mashiach! Don't you know?
It is basic Judaism wherever walk of life you come from...
We all need as many kids as possible, wild or not wild. Please let each family unit decide according to their capacity, and maybe their Rav.

chayamommy

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 10:21 am

Wow Energy 11 your reply is truly shocking! I do not agree with you at all. Quantity, not quality is not what I believe Hashem has in mind for his precious children! I have personally taught as a long-term sub at a Yeshivish school where most of the kids come from large families--the middos of a great number of kids were horrible! They were rude, disrespectful, chutzpadik and wild running through the halls. More than once I came into the classroom and the girls were rifling through my desk! I don't think this is a good thing--even if they DO turn into great adults. Middos at any age is important IMO.

energy11

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 10:53 am

So are you saying you would personally prefer for those Jewish kids NOT TO BE BORN, beause they are rude, or they looked into your desk????

Just so you know, "quality versus quantity" is an american slogan created after the feminist earthquake which caused women to work equal hours such as their male co-workers, therefore causing their kids to be in daycare, or afternoon program.
This is a made-up slogan just to clear up the conscience of working, or carreer-oriented mothers.

Food for the thought...

(Of course, our job as parents is to educate our children to Middos and Derech Erets, but it is NOT done in one day! And by the same token, I have seen numerous so called "well behaved" kids from smaller families show their inner egoist and self-centered personality, wrongly believing that they are the center of the world, and totally self-absorbed l)

One more thing, bringing up "what Hashem wants" is totally abusing of your postition here. You are NOT a Rabinical authority as far as I know, and as we all KNOW the first Mitsva Hashem asked us is PERU URVU UMAL"U ET HAARETS...פרו ורבו ומלאו את הארץ

chayamommy

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 11:31 am

Seriously, I think so many people on this website are off the deep end with their chumras and misinterpretations of Torah. I am definitely in the wrong place. In my short time here I have read about women in abusive relationships who don't want to humiliate their husbands by telling their Rav or leave. I have read threads about shaved heads and thinking it's assur to sleep with their heads uncovered. Now I'm reading that it's good to produce kids no matter what just to produce. Bye-bye imamother. I have better things to do with my time.
ChayaMommy

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 1:02 pm

Wow! Chayamommy, you are not wrong! Don't run away so fast!

Energy11, you seem to be making a big mistake. The job of a Jewish mother is not just to spout out children as quickly as she can. She also has to raise them. If that means waiting an extra year or 2 before having her 10th kid, so be it. If the world was full of wild, unruly Jewish children, imagine the Chillul Hashem that would occur. That would be terrible.

Most mothers can manage to raise decent children, but there are times when it is just wrong to go and have another kid. If you are not managing witht the kids you have, ask a Shaila and take birth control. When my 1 year old used to spend her days knocking down all the kids she met and pulling their hair and my baby was having medical issues, I did NOT take the liberty to become pregnant again. The only way to resolve behavior problems and medical problems is by dealing with them hands on. We got dd#1 therapy and carried over the goals all the time. We spent hours at specialists with dd#2. Eventually, when things calmed down a bit, we had ds.

You have to use your Sechel and know when your kids that you have already need some time to adjust to life and learn some rules before you become busy with another baby.

energy11

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 5:05 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

What big mistake am I making?
You are twisting my words and I find it quite offensive, to tell you the truth! Do you think that mothers of large families like myself just "spout out" our beautiful beloved and precious children? Do you think we do not raise them? Newsflash, we do raise them and work very hard on it, probably harder than you could ever imagine! Shame on you, as you are no different than all the others quoted above in this thread, judging us, critisizing us and making hurtful comments. And you are what exactly..." oh, right, the worlds best mom".
I will give you the only possible KAF SCHUT, you are probably jaleous to death...

energy11

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 5:18 pm

chayamommy wrote:

ChayaMommy, if you are still here, this is for you.

Coming from someone who judges little children, criticizes their chutspa and condemn their very own existence, I would of hope to see better character traits than the ones you are showing us here.

Your arrogance and lack of tolerance are not exactly respectful towards the women of this forum.

You might be looking for the perfect world, but we are all human, you see.

And the world is NOT going to be a better place as long as there are people like you, lacking kindness, tolerance and respect. In one word, Ahavat Israel.

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 6:13 pm

I am not twisting your words.

energy11 wrote:

SO WHAT?
At least they're alive!!!
They might be wild for a few years, and yes, maybe we don't have enough time for each one of them, granted! But in a few years they will turn into beautiful adults, just sit and watch! I have seen it so many times!!
What we need is precious Neshamos to come down on earth and bring mashiach! Don't you know?
It is basic Judaism wherever walk of life you come from...
We all need as many kids as possible, wild or not wild. Please let each family unit decide according to their capacity, and maybe their Rav.

You said that it doesn't matter if you don't have time for each of your wild children, as long as you have as many kids as possible. I argued that point. How did I twist around what you said?