Help! I need advice for a forgetful child!

exhausted

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 9:37 am

Help! I need advice in dealing with my 11 year old daughter. She is very forgetful (lazy?). She is constantly leaving her light on, the door open, her plate on the table, her dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and many other small things like this, which in the big picture seem like all small things, but when it happens constantly, and I'm always calling her back to pick up after herself, it gets very frustrating. What can I do, other than calling her back to finish the job, to make her remember. Her answer is always, I forgot.

amother

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 11:07 am

This would have been me as a kid.

In all honesty, I just didn't remember. These things weren't majorly important to me. But I also forgot things that WERE important to me. Does she forget those things also? Such as her homework for the next day, her money for a school trip, etc? Or does she remember all of those things and only "forget" about chores?

I think that makes a big difference. If she forgets other things as well, I would work with her rather than against her. Sit down with her and help her come up with a list of things she forgets a lot, and then let her think of strategies she can use to help her remember. You'd be surprised about the ideas she might come up with.

amother

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 4:26 pm

morahaviva wrote:

Is it possible there is a reason for her forgetting? Does she have ADD/ADHD?
Anyway - the solution is reminders and checklists all over!! On the door jam.... "did you shut off the light?"..
on the bathroom mirror - on the front door - anything and everything!

This is the amother above. Please, please think carefully before doing this. My mother tried doing this for me, and it felt so demeaning. Like I couldn't think for myself, like she was treating me like a three-year-old. It also didn't teach me how to actually be responsible in the long run, although I'm sure my mother thought that's what she was doing.

If your daughter thinks up these ideas herself, go ahead and implement them. But forcing them on her is only going to give her a negative view of herself - "I can't remember anything on my own, my mother thinks I'm so irresponsible, I'm just hopeless." It took a while (and a loving dh) to help me get over that frustration and start to figure out how to remember things for myself without reinforcing those messages. It may sound crazy, but please please let your daughter figure this out for herself. Start the conversation, but the decision to use memory aids has to come from her, not from you.

(Not to mention...Have you thought about how the girl must feel when friends come over to her house? Or the attitude her siblings will have towards those labels? It might solve the problem in the short run, but it can major side effects.)

MiamiMommy

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 7:16 pm

amother wrote:

morahaviva wrote:

What about a private list in her diary or journal that she can check herself. You'd have to remind her at first, but it would probably become second nature. It has for me! I never remembered anything as a kid w/o writing it down, and frankly, I still don't. . . w/o my lists!

mummiedearest

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 7:19 pm

I recently saw an article about something like this in a family magazine. a couple "helped" their daughter become more responsible by keeping a very specific list of where her things were on the fridge. (purple sock on living room floor, ex.) she had to find all those things and put them away before doing anything else when she came home from school. eventually she started putting things away so she'd have more time to herself after school. I don't know if this would help your daughter, but I think it's worth a shot. if you're ok with leaving her bedroom light on until she sees it on the list, she may learn to turn off the light automatically.

acccdac

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 10:46 am

we just did this with our 7 year old and we find that our 4 year old learned from it and has become vigilant as well in these things.

my dh was getting annoyed that lights werent getting turned off. we explained to the kids why it's upsetting to us not just saying it is (and I'm not necessarily a proponent of kids understanding their parents). We explained light on, means more money, which means less money for toys. Leaving plates on the table, more work for mommy, mommy is tired, mommy cant play.

We put up a blank white paper on the fridge, every time we found a light on (that is specifically what we were trying to change) an "x" went on the paper. We wouldnt warn, my dh would simply say "oh mommy I see the light on in the bathroom please put an "x" on the paper. There was no arguing or yelling or discussion. When he got 5 "x"s he had a privilege taken away. When I say privilege it mean that, something that was totally extra. I didnt want him to become resentful. Basically when I go to teh market after work with him he wouldn't get that 25 cent candy, he lost that.

After 2 or 3 week he got the picture, he only really lost the candy twice, but he learned his lesson. Yes, he does mess up here and there, and I expect that because he is 7, but all in all he's pretty good about it. And like I said earlier you'll hear my 4 year come out of the hallway saying "someone is wasting light"

happymom

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 8:02 pm

I would try and catch her doing things RIGHT and compliment her! every time she remembers something, metion that you NOTICED. ignore when she forgets things. by now she could be doing it for negative attention. kids want thier parents approval and when she realized she will get that for the things she remembers I think shell start remembering alot more things!