Feel hypocritical admonishing kids...

amother

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 5:44 am

I sometimes feel so hypocritical when I tell off my kids about doing something wrong because I clearly remember doing the same thing to my parents. I feel like I don't really have a "right" to say these things and "who am I to tell them off when I did the same thing?" Sure I know it's wrong now but I still don't feel comfortable.

Also, I feel uncomfortable speaking to them about subjects that I myself am still working through, ie. gam zu letovah, daven to Hashem to make your boo boo go away etc - and then I get upset when my 4yo is crying saying "I want Hashem to make my boo boo go away" and it's not going away...- I'm talking just a scratch or a bad bang but I feel confused and don't know what to say to her.

I feel really unqualified in all of this. But I think I am trying my best. Any thoughts?

joy613

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 6:21 am

About your first issue: I really don't think that you should feel hypocritical about admonishing them. Even though you did the same as a child, now you know that it's wrong and you don't do it anymore. I don't see any problem here. Especially since they don't know that you used to do it, and won't be able to use that as ammunition against you ("Well you used to do it too so there")

Every mother was once a kid and did things they were not allowed to. Yet we still all try to teach our children and admonish and even punish sometimes if they do the same things.
Someone has to teach children what's proper and what's not, and who else if not for their own mother?

About your second issue. I'm a bit confused. What gets you upset when your daughter says that? Is it that you feel she is doing something more than you, or that you dont know what to answer her? Can you explain more?

amother

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 5:27 pm

yo'ma

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 5:33 pm

First of all, just because you're asking something, it doesn't mean you're going to like the answer, the answer might be no.
When I see my children do something that they shouldn't, but I might be do the same thing, I tell them that we should try to help each other by reminding each other not to do it. It doesn't always work, though Confused

DovDov

Tue, Mar 02 2010, 4:50 pm

I wouldn't do this too often, but sometimes the thing the child really needs to hear is that you truly understand what he's going through because you went through it yourself.

This point really hit home for me when my first son was toilet training. He had started asking ot use the toilet all by himself, and after a couple of weeks of mostly using hte toilet, was thrilled and excited to get underwear. Ten minutes after we put on the first pair of underwear, he had an accident. I took him upstairs to clean him up and get him fresh underwear, but he threw a complete tantrum, screaming that he was never going to wear underwear, only diapers, please give me a diaper, etc. etc. I talked to him about what an accident is, and how the longer he wears underwear the rarer they'll be, and how it's completely normal. What finally calmed him down was when I happened to mention that you know, when Ima was learning how to use the toilet, she had accidents too. He was startled out of his tears -- really? Yes, Ima had a lot of accidents. You can ask Bubby -- she will remember! And Abba also had accidents when he was learning how to use the toilet.

He asked a few follow up questions just to make sure I wasn't joking, and I told him about a few other figures in his life who I knew from personal experience had had accidents (you know Shmueli from down the block? When HE was learning how to use the toilet, he once had an accident on Ima's foot!). Then he jumped off my lap and ran to get himself a new pair of underwear.

happymom

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 7:26 pm

these are my thoughts:

first, noone likes to be told what they are doing wrong. it doesnt motivate a person to do better. kids have parents to be thier guide and teach them right from wrong. so instead of critisizing and telling them what they are doing wrong, positively teach and guide them with what they SHOULD do. also choose your battles and if its soething thats not dangerous, or not that important think before you mention it, because somethings really arent a big deal and we dont want to overdo it.

about what you tell them- I teach my kids that we are ALL not perfect even ME!! even though I am a mother I have to work on myself every day. I tell my daughter that when she is upset that she made a mistake... only hashem is perfect and hashem wants us to work on ourselves and tests us all the time!!

besides for telling them the things you do I would also make sure to validate them, (I always try to think of what I would want someone to tell me) for example if I get hurt I am not interested in someone telling me, hashem will make it better. I want them to validate me and hear me and show me they care. kids want the same. hashem doesnt make booboos go away.if someone hurts themselves, it hurts!! what helps is when thier mommy holds them and hugs them and kisses them and tells them how much they are loved and hope they feel better... they are better alot quicker. even if its "nothing" to them its something.

happymom

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 7:31 pm

OP here.

I get upset because she's complaining that Hashem isn't making her boo boo go away and I don't know what to say to her. On the one hand I'm telling her to ask Hashem to make it better but I don't have an answer for when she's not getting what she's asking for...

I would tell her "come here, let me give you a big kiss on your booboo! how did you get that booboo? iot must of hurt! I sometimes get booboos too! they arent fun! but they do get better... lets get you a band-aid etc...

hashem comes into the picture for otyer things. like when my kids dont want to do a mitzvah and I tell them that to hasehm its an even bigger mitzvah when its hard for us and we do it anyway. we dont want to make hashem the "badguy" buy saying he will make something feel better that he wont...