Do you ask first? | Imamother

lamplighter

Sat, May 22 2010, 9:58 pm

How does inviting guests work in your family?
Do you invite people without asking/before asking your spouse?
Does he?
I used to think that it was one of those things that should be discussed between us before we invited guests, like say one of us needed a break, or was uncomfortable with that particular person etc. Now I just don't see how that makes sense, I meet someone on the street or wtvr and I would love to invite them on the spot, am I supposed to not say anything wait, talked about it, locate a number and THEN invite them?

What do you do?

Mimisinger

Sat, May 22 2010, 10:23 pm

We learned very early into our marriage that we had to discuss everything first. Very early, like the first month of our marriage, we had accepted multiple invitations to the same meals.

I see how it might be awkward not to say anything and then call later once you got the "go=ahead" from your spouse, but I think everyone realizes, that unless you have a completely open house, that you have to talk to the spouse first.

And, as the person who does 99.9% of the cooking, cleaning, setting up, shopping, etc. I want to have a part in the discussion.

Dh and I have different ideas of how often we want guests, but over the years, (and through talking to our Rav Smile

) we've compromised a lot and our decision works for us. Whatever you and dh decide should be discussed and decided together.

life'sgreat

Sun, May 23 2010, 1:01 am

It depends. I invite my sisters and families over for meals without asking him. I don't do it often and I know that he doesn't mind. His family lives in another country, otherwise I'd probably invite them as well. Others, however, I'd definitely ask first.

Tablepoetry

Sun, May 23 2010, 1:05 am

We usually ask each other. Both of us are very heavily involved in Shabbat prep, and it's just not fair to suddenly impose guests if the other one isn't up to it.
Exceptions - sometimes very close family 'asks' themselves over, in which case we do not refuse.

amother

Sun, May 23 2010, 4:33 am

I never accept an invitation without saying I have to check with DH first, and then if he doesn't want to go, I can say that it doesn't work for us (that week, or whatever). I feel it is different going out - basically taking him out of his comfort zone, and it's not fair to make him go someplace he is not comfortable, but if we're home, he just deals with the extra person(s) there, and then they go home.
Usually we have a list of people we want to invite, and it doesn't really matter to him which week, and I have to invite several weeks in advance anyway. And he knows that if someone in Shul needs a place he is welcome to bring them home, or if someone calls and asks, obviously if we are home that week, we say yes, without having to check.

rosey

Sun, May 23 2010, 6:54 am

Since we recently finished our first year we're still working out the kinks in our shabbas invitation process but it is improving. DH would love to invite bochurim/visiting family/friends every week, and he always says "let me talk it over with my wife", but I know he's also saying "we can't wait to have you!" or "we'll have you soon", when sometimes it hasn't been possible. There have been times when he's had to go back the next day and say this week won't work out, when he jumped the gun on an invitation, but like I said we're getting better.
if I was invited like you mentioned, in passing on the street but the person said let me just check that this week is open, I'd understand if they got back to me within a day or so (depending how early in the week). Then you can ask for the number right then to make sure you have it. Or maybe say "we've been meaning to invite you, let me have your number so I can call as soon as we know a good time". Any invitation is a welcome invitation in my book (right until Thurs night or Fri morning, if we can make it, and if not, it's nice to be thought of!!! Smile

yo'ma

Sun, May 23 2010, 7:37 am

No, because he'll say okay and vice versa if he invites someone over. I just like to know in advance, like before I set the table. We don't have guests over often, so this is not a common occurrence. We do have someone over often, but he invites himself.

SivanMom

Sun, May 23 2010, 10:25 am

Sleepover guests we would definitely discuss. However, guests for a meal, it depends who it is. There are a couple bochurim who call the house (instead of DH's cell phone for some reason) and I always say yes if we're home. He'll do the same for the bochurim that call him. A couple we would discuss.

Liba

Sun, May 23 2010, 10:31 am

If people call asking if they can come I accept or say no (generally accept though) and then try to remember to tell my husband. If he happens to be home when the call comes, I pause and confirm with him, but neither of want to lose the opportunity by waiting for him to get home from work.

mamaleh

Sun, May 23 2010, 1:49 pm

It depends.
If we're invited out, I always consult him first
In terms of inviting people to us, it depends a little bit. Single people who 'invite themselves' I generally say yes to unless I know he's had an especially hard week or there is some other reason why it doesn't make sense. This includes eating and/ or sleeping over.
Sleeping only guests (we live near a popular shabbos simcha hall) I will say yes as long as we are planning to be home (we have a guest room, so it's really not an inconvenience at all). I always make sure to take a phone number in case something comes up (many people call as much as 2-3 months in advance).
In terms of couples/ families it depends who. For the most part, if I feel up to cooking for them and our guest room is available, then he doesn't mind if I invite without telling him. I try to check with him when possible but if I meet someone on the street I don't push off inviting just to consult.
Since I do most of the cooking, he generally consults with me before inviting (also to make sure I haven't invited anyone else that could possibly be a conflict). But he knows I'm usually open to guests so if he thinks someone really needs a place he'll invite without consulting. He has brought people home from shul on occasion (hasn't done this in a while) but by the time he leaves for shul he knows if anyone else is coming and how much food I've prepared, so I don't mind at all.

lamplighter

Sun, May 23 2010, 5:21 pm

When we are eating out, I always ask him first before accepting.
We don't have sleepover guests so that's not an issue.
It's the former campers, students, people Ive met out of town, that I just meet on the street and would love to invite them but if I have to ask my DH first and then track them down it's a big deal.