Naming same name as DH's Sister/Brother

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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Would you use a name that one of Dh's siblings has if they don't want you to?

Yes

55%

[ 15 ]

37%

[ 10 ]

Other

[ 2 ]

Total Votes : 27

amother

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:18 am

I am going to be a little vague as to WHY we do these things because if I gave exact info everyone in Dh's family would know exactly who I am so sorry in advance for the little info given. please don't ask questions like "why don't you name after____" if I explain these things I will cause major shalom bais problems.

So Both Dh and I have agreed not to name after family. We want to name after Rabbies in our particular area of chassidus. The problem is Dh's father ALSO did this and took all the MAJOR names... names we also want to give as well... names almost EVERYONE in this patricular group uses. One BIL has had a boy and gave him a name the same as dh's older brother but added a 2nd name. NOW here is the question. We are looking at girls name (we don't know what we are having.,.. we just know its a very SHY kid Wink

the girls name that is the MAIN girls name that everyone wants is the name of the oldest sister in Dh's family... she is REALLY upset about people using her name. I KNOW that another SIL who is pregnant right now will use that name (she has told me already and laughed at the fact that there is a chance we both use it)

The SIL who has the name is REALLY upset and spent almost an hour on the phone with me last night telling me we need to give kids their own identity and tis really wrong to use the name of a living aunt (spoke to our rav NO halicic issues here and dh's SIL knows it) Dh and I REALLY want to use the anme and we KNOW that no matter what the other PG sil WILL use the name even if it makes people upset.

Should we use it? Should we give up on a name we REALLY want to use... hoenstly if we don't use names of DH"s siblings (some are named dubble names after 2 people and he has a LOT of siblings they literally used up MOST of the names) or we don't name the names we want.

Any advice?

Ruchel

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:21 am

Well. My saba was raised Bobov and is named like his uncle, very same name (two names). If you name after someone or the name speaks to you, I say go for it. Now, if you just do it because everyone does, I agree that kids need their identity...

Liba

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:30 am

We named my son the same name as one of my brother in laws. He is call by a nickname and my son was named after my father, who has two names and I always thought of the name that way. I didn't even realized it was the same name until my brother came to us, totally excited, after the bris. He was so happy to have a nephew who shared his name.

I would have done it even if he wouldn't have approved, but it certainly helped that he was happy about it.

My oldest has a family name, so every family has a girl with her name, either a child or the mother. We can usually gather a half dozen people with her name at a family simcha. We didn't ask on that one either and no one would dare be offended.

life'sgreat

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:32 am

No one owns a name. I think it's immature for your sil to make such a to-do about this. Especially as she's pretending it's about her new niece's identity and not her own personal issue with it. Yes, I'd give the name I choose. But then again, we have cousins galore, all with the same name after family. Smile

chaylizi

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:35 am

I think if it's a major name in your chassidus, she doesn't exactly own the name. Especially if it is a prevalent name that everybody uses.

My middle dd is named after both my & dh's great grandmothers. Both of us have a sibling with that name. My sister wasn't thrilled, but it's a family name & it doesn't belong to her.

HindaRochel

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:44 am

If the SIL is going to be upset then, even though it might be silly, I would respect her wishes and find a new name...Shalom Bayit would prevail.

saw50st8

Mon, May 24 2010, 10:56 am

If you know she'll be upset, I would avoid it. Unless you are so passionate about it.

I think it must be really hard to be part of a family where you are never an individual.

Sure no one "owns" the name, but just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean you should.

freshie

Mon, May 24 2010, 11:07 am

never heard of this! if we followed that rule I probably wouldn't be able to name my kids any names I want. we both come from large families and we are bound to find at least one of the names in the family used already. going along that train of thought. only one grandchild is allowed to be named after your parent??

chocolate fondue

Mon, May 24 2010, 11:25 am

If it's a popular name in a circle of chassidus, there must be lots of girls with that name. It's not like they are going to have exactly the same name forever - she'll get married and have a different surname at least. (unless she's married already; it wasn't clear from your post, either way they won't have exactly the same name) No one owns a name and it's your kid. You're giving birth to her and you can name her whatever you like. It's one thing to not upset a parent or parent-in-law out of respect, but you have no chiyuv to respect a SIL.

amother

Mon, May 24 2010, 11:33 am

For those of you who think this is a shalom bayis issue, what OP is talking about is the equivalent of a Lubavitcher being told that she can't name her baby Chaya Mushka, because someone else has the same name & it bothers them. It's absurd. Or in Litvish terms, you can't give the name Yisroel Meir (after the chofetz chaim), because that is your bil's name. No one owns the names of klal yisroel's personages.

SivanMom

Mon, May 24 2010, 11:47 am

Coming from a family that is extremely touchy with names, I would still definitely have no problem naming that name. First of all, there is nothing wrong with naming the same name as an aunt. Second, if she was so concerned about her kids having their own identity, she should have chosen something more unique, less likely to be used by others. It sounds like you have strong reasons to name after this person, I would say go ahead, and mend bridges with the aunt later.

amother

Mon, May 24 2010, 11:51 am

Names are traditionally Ruach Hakodesh, given to the parents by Hashem.
Every parent has the right to "choose" ANY name they wish.
If it so happens that sisters or brothers have the same name, so what?
It is like that almost all the time.
Sephardim name after the living, Ashkenazim name after the passing, but that only applies to parents and/or grandparents. Not to siblings.

This SIL has issues, she cannot go around telling people what to do. She can choose her own children's names, and that's that. She is making a fool of herself, in thinking that her name is hers exclusively.
She can choose a new name, and have a kiddush for herself if she so desires to be unique.
She can even make up a name that was nonexistent until now.
Show her the cute Hebrew You Tube video about kugel if she knows Hebrew....
But to meddle in your personal life? Ridiculous! You need to assert yourself, and refuse to discuss this with her, saying it is personal and none of her business.

I would not even discuss the name or other personal issues with anyone except my husband or parents.
It is no one's business to give their opinion unless and until asked.

red sea

Mon, May 24 2010, 12:39 pm

if its a name like chaya mushka is to lubavich that is ridiculous of your sil. but yisrael meir to litvish would not be the equivalent.

I think it weird to choose it if you both came from avg sized families had many choices of great people to name after... but in your circumstance, the way you tell it sil will have to get over it.

I thought it would be weird , my neice shares one name with me - but its really not weird after all (we arent calle the same thing tho)

Atali

Mon, May 24 2010, 1:09 pm

I would give the name that I wanted regardless, but how would you and she feel if you would give the same name but call your child a different nickname. For example, if her name is Chaya Mushka (and she goes by the whole name) then you could call your Chaya, Mushka, Chaya'le, Mushkie, Mussia, etc.

chaylizi

Mon, May 24 2010, 1:14 pm

red sea wrote:

if its a name like chaya mushka is to lubavich that is ridiculous of your sil. but yisrael meir to litvish would not be the equivalent.

I don't think there is an appropriate litvish equivalent to chassidim naming after their chassidus' Rebbe/Rebbetzin. (Although a large number of boys born the year my city's R"Y was niftar are called by the same name.) Whole communities share the same names among the chassidish & no one says boo. When I was in seminary, I went to Kiryat Sanz for shabbos & literally every other boy under a certain age was called Yiddele.

I agree with Atali though. It's easy enough to call your child by a different name. There are usually a few variations. All the names I'm considering currently are family names & will be shared by someone in the extended family. I am planning on changing the nickname though.

PinkFridge

Mon, May 24 2010, 1:37 pm

Don't know if this is an issue but there's no ayin hara if one's not naming the baby after the SIL per se but someone else.

Chayalle

Mon, May 24 2010, 2:17 pm

Two of my brothers named their DD by my name (not after me, B"H! - but after my great-grandmother, which is where I got my name.) They told me I turned out alright, so they decided to use the name. I'm actually quite touched! Wish I got to see those cuties more often, they live in E"Y. So I guess they get their own identities, too.

I think it's none of your SIL's business to tell you ANYTHING about the name you choose. She should not be speculating what you will name your child and making comments about it at all. IMVHO it's immature.

Besiyata Dishmaya

Mon, May 24 2010, 2:46 pm

This is the first time I heard of this, esp. since it's a name after a Rebbe/Rebbetzin.

Is your SIL afraid that it's like naming after "her" while she's still alive? If so, tell her it's a segulah for arichus yomim veshonim to name after a living person. Was it Rebbi Yehuda Hachosid who proclaimed not to give a name after a living ancestor or was it someone else? In any event, one of the reasons why the Ashkenazim stopped giving a name after a living ancestor was because of the fight that emerged when a name was given for one grandparents, because of the segulah. Everyone wanted to be the "lucky" one to get named after while they're still alive.

life'sgreat

Mon, May 24 2010, 9:43 pm

chaylizi wrote:

red sea wrote:

if its a name like chaya mushka is to lubavich that is ridiculous of your sil. but yisrael meir to litvish would not be the equivalent.

In Satmar, there came a time when they requested people stop naming their sons Yoel because they realized that in 20-40 year's time, there will be too many eligible boys with the same name as future fathers in law.

There was also a grade (the year the rebbe was niftar) that had 26 Yoels and the three boys that weren't named Yoel were named Chananya Yom Tov Lipa after his father. They were basically called by their last names.

chaylizi

Mon, May 24 2010, 9:46 pm

Oh I forgot to add that several of those Yiddeles were cousins & had the same last name too. I think they must have just started numbering them Very Happy

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