HELP! I need a new bed time routine for my 2 year old.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:40 am

The nightly routine has been bath, play a bit, bottle and going into the crib, saying shema and having her back rubbed. Lately though she wants to have the back rubbed more and more and then when I tell her that I am going out of the room (as I do every night) she starts crying. Usually the whole in crib part would take the most 5 minutes, but now it has been taking longer and longer and last night I actually had to go back into her room two times after I initially put her down.

Anyone have any ideas of how to change the routine that it wont take forever and she wont cry afterward? That is new and I just dont know what to do.

mimimom

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:54 am

She's figured out that, if she carries on she can get you to "have to go back in" to her. You're not going to like it but you have to be firm--if you really need to check on her go and look in at the door, but once the back rub is over it's OVER--unless you want to eventually do it the entire night! A 2 year old will ALWAYS win unless you put your foot down. If you give in not only are you just postponing the unpleasantness until later but you're teaching her she can get her way by throwing a fit.. Trust me, you don't want to have her learn THAT lesson!

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:56 am

mimimom wrote:

but then how long would you let a 2 year old cry? and also I cant just go look in at the door, her door is closed and she hears the door nob and knows when I come back in.

Tamiri

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:02 am

watch the Israeli supernanny. She deals with this. I, after 4 other kids, let #5 slip. He was the best sleeper until the summer he was 2+. Then the **** started. Rather than let him cry (stupid, stupid us) we allowed him to come out. He'd hang out in the LR for hours, falling asleep on the sofa or the floor. If we picked him up to put him back in bed, he reminded us who was the boss. After watching a few supernanny episodes that dealt with bedtime, we remembered who the boss was supposed to b (the parents, duh) and kicked ourselves for allowing the mishegass to go on for a few months. It took a week or two, but we cured our boy. He went back to be a mostly good going-to-sleeper.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:05 am

Tamiri wrote:

tamiri, I dont have tv, can you just tell me the jist of what you are talking about?
just to tell you, I went back into her room and she asked to play and started crying and I told her no and that I would rub her back again. I did for about 10 minutes until I saw her eyes rolling back and she was on her way to lalaland. I know that that is not so great either but I did not and will not take her out of her crib.

mimimom

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:09 am

Maybe she's scared with the door closed? Is there a night light? If you can I'd leave the door open a crack, tell her you won't be coming back in, and just say goodnight again at the door and tell her to quiet down then give it a few minutes, and repeat as necessary. Depending on how long she's been doing this she may keep it up for quite a while (especially the first night) until you've convinced her you not coming back in. You can tell her in a loving voice that back rub time is over and it's time to sleep. As long as you don't give in she'll get the message pretty quickly (ie. a few days_. Oh, you might want to add in to the rountine being sure the light is on, her blanket is tucked, etc,. etc. (even talking out the process). The important thing is that she doesn't see this as a withdrawal of affection, but part of the structure of her life. Kids this age push against structure, but the really need it, and need to know that their parents are in charge. It's very scaring to not be sure. You're doing what's best for her. Better for you to feel bad than for her to have future behavior problems, right? (and the fact that it bothers you means your a good parent.) Hatzlacha!

Tamiri

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:10 am

I don't have TV either. My sister who also doesn't have TV told me about supernanny, which you can see online. I don't know how to find it, but it's out there.
Basically, the rule is that once you put the child down, that's it for the night. No more sweet talking. No more discussions. You tell the child: I've put you down, now it's time to sleep. For children who come out of bed, you firmly take them by the arm and escort them back to their bed, without talking to them. That's it: when mommy says good night, she means it! More or less along those lines. The child may cry and whimper for a while. You can suggest that you'll leave the door open a bit as long as she can stay quiet, if you think that will help but no bargaining once you are through putting her to sleep. She has no bargaining points: you make the rules, not she.

mimimom

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:20 am

"You can suggest that you'll leave the door open a bit as long as she can stay quiet,"
This is a great suggestion. I was trying to think of some positive reward for good behavior in this situation.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:21 am

mimimom wrote:

"You can suggest that you'll leave the door open a bit as long as she can stay quiet,"
This is a great suggestion. I was trying to think of some positive reward for good behavior in this situation.

im just afraid that if I leave the door open at all she will hear me and my husband and just not go to sleep at all.

Tamiri

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:30 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

mimimom wrote:

"You can suggest that you'll leave the door open a bit as long as she can stay quiet,"
This is a great suggestion. I was trying to think of some positive reward for good behavior in this situation.

im just afraid that if I leave the door open at all she will hear me and my husband and just not go to sleep at all.

Well, it;s in her hands. If she can stay quiet and try to sleep with the door open, then the door stays open. You are empowering her. Give her the "big girl" talk.
For future kids, IYH, it's a good idea to get them used to going to sleep with LOTS of noise going on in the house. You should not have to tip toe around because of her going to bed.

mimimom

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:40 am

I second the "going to sleep with lots of noise." My kids, who learned to sleep this way, can sleep through anything short of a massive artillary barage; I, on the other hand, child of a mother who kept the house as still as a tomb when we slept, wake up when a cockroach sneezes in the next apartment.

imaima

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 12:57 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Tamiri wrote:

Set a timer and tell her when it beeps, you have to go.

boro park

Tue, Jul 06 2010, 9:33 am

I had the same with both my kids. the trick is that backrubbing should be done much before bedtime. they see they are going to sleep they will do anything to stop you from putting them to sleep. (they dont wanto go to sleep) I just do the routine without backrubs and just pick him up and put him into bed. and say goodnight and walk out close the light and close the door. also a book in bed or a favorite blanket, or a bottle should help. just say nicely before you need to sleep youare very tired. even if they cry for a minute or so its okay. its normal Good luck the trick is dont prolong any part of routine or they will prolong it. put your foot down.

718

Tue, Jul 06 2010, 10:56 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

mimimom wrote:

"You can suggest that you'll leave the door open a bit as long as she can stay quiet,"
This is a great suggestion. I was trying to think of some positive reward for good behavior in this situation.

im just afraid that if I leave the door open at all she will hear me and my husband and just not go to sleep at all.

DS would ask sometimes to leave door open. I think its comforting for them to hear his parents talk. If he would come out then his privilege was over and he knew that. Sometimes it worked, sometimes I would have to shut the door.

Generaly:
Making the child really tired works! Let them ride a bike on nice days, park... that always works
How bout a story tape?

I think a mom knows when she can leave her child crying or when something is wrong. My son sometimes is afraid of a bird, or person lol
Its important to make sure everything is ok.

lizard8

Tue, Jul 06 2010, 11:23 am

At 2 years old, kids don't really have a concept of time. She wants more because she wasn't prepared for it to end.

Use a timer to show your daughter how much time should be allotted to each activity. This way she can keep track of her time.
Use one with lines/dots because she wont be able to read the numbers. Practice keeping track of time, so she can understand it.

When it comes to bedtime back rub, turn the dial to five minutes. Show her when she is half way through and almost done. When the buzzer rings, you should stop.