I feel like a failure, please help!!

amother

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 6:35 pm

My 7 yr old son has ADHD. He got his diagnosis in the beginning of the summer and has been seeing a frum therapist for it. The behavior is awful. He is very aggressive towards his siblings, and when this is pointed out to him, he denies everything. Just today another adult said to me, "He's hitting your baby." (my head was turned for a moment as I was speaking to another mother). My son denied everything, as usual. He also screams and rages at me, and makes growling noises and a mean, angry face all the time. This has been going on EVERY DAY. I can't take it any more and I am considering putting him on ADHD meds. I don't want to put him on the meds, but I am at my wits end. But the idea of putting him on meds makes me feel like a FAILURE!!! I feel like I should try every single other thing in the book (like bio-feedback, allergy testing, etc) before medicating him, but I truly don't think they will work. HELP please and support only. Sad

amother

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 7:11 pm

1. You are not a failure! You care about your child and are doing your best, and will continue to do so.
2. Get in touch with great psychiatrist, and try the meds out, monitor carefully, work with dosages etc, I have family members with add on meds who have had positive experiences, plus I have heard as a teacher, in workshops that the results seem to be pretty positive. Remember, there is no risk in TRYING it, as long as you are doing it carefully
3. Work on keeping calm, that itself makes a difference, and work on structure in general in the house (not saying you don't already, but many of us, me included need to work on this, for some of us it comes naturally for others we have to work on it)
4. Get some type of support whether a support group, a therapist, or a coach- but support other then friends who can be at a loss as to how to help, you need a reliable level headed place to take your anxieties as you go on this journey.

Barbara

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 7:22 pm

If your child, chas v'shalom, had diabetes, would you feel like a failure for giving him insulin? If he had an ear infection, would you feel like a failure for giving him antibiotics?

He has ADHD. Some kids may respond to non-pharmaceutical treatments. Appaently, your child does not. But you are not a failure for recognizing and responding to the needs of your child. In fact, it makes you a GOOD mother, one who is willing to do something outside of her own comfort zone because it will benefit her child.

morah

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 7:43 pm

A lot of people don't understand that ADHD is a REAL CONDITION that often needs to be treated by medication. It has nothing to do with parenting skills; it won't go away by you "getting tough" and giving him a smack in the tuchus like people around you might have said you should do. He needs medicine. It's a fact, and has nothing to do with parenting skills. You say you have other kids, and you didn't "fail" with them, so clearly you are a good mother. You recognize that this son has needs that can't be fulfilled using the regular parenting tricks. This is not in any way an indication of failure!

DO NOT LET MEDICATION BE A STIGMA! Your son might need it even as an adult, so treat it like a fact of his life, not a shame. My husband bought into the whole stigma thing and stopped taking his ADHD meds when he graduated high school. He just started taking them again after finally admitting that he couldn't function without them. Unfortunately, it took a ruined college GPA for him to admit that he needed help. He had to realize that nearly failing out of college was a failure, not resorting to necessary medications. This could have all been avoided were medicine not so stigmatized.

youngbubby

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 7:51 pm

I know it is very hard to put a child on ADHD meds. As a special ed teacher I know that some parents really don't want to give the meds. they want to try something more natural ..they want to change the diet ect ect..but in the meantime their child is hurting other children and hurting himself.As one parent told me she felt like such a failure because she couldn't control him at home , she couldn't get him to behave for school. Al she did was cry and cry. Once the child got on the meds and was on it consistently what a change. When the right dosage was finally found the child who couldn't be controlled was amazing. He laughed,learned and played with other children. Hashem gave us these meds for a reason...with the right Dr. the meds will be fine for your child and your home life will improve also.

ysydmom

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 9:32 pm

wow, I could have written your post! MY DS is 6 and was also just diagnosed with ADHD and we were told to go for some parenting classes to deal with it as well as put him on a sensory diet.

We were told to let him run around as much as he needs to, trampoline, jumping jacks, exercise bike, outside activities, these will tire him out and then he sits nicely and listens.

we were also advised to get a weighted vest so that he can sit in class, or weights for the feet. I am more comfortable with the vest though, the feet one puts to much strain on the muscles.

I also let my dh shlep everything. working the muscles is very important, it gets them focused. I also find that putting on music helps alot as well, so I got some hasc and yeshiva boys choir dvd's for him to watch and I try to always put some music on while he is playing.

I also try some hands on stuff like playdough, challah baking which he loves, and regular kitchen cooking.

For sleeping nature sounds work best we have a lamp in his room that has a waterfall that goes around and around which also makes nature sounds.

I am also trying to make everything structured for him as adhd kids respond better to a structured program rathar than just free time so for example on Sunday we sat down and made a schedule which I reviewed with DS so that he could understand what is happening when.

If you need more chizuk feel free to PM me.

By the way we also did allergy testing, took him to an ent for hearing test, took him to a gastro for bathroom issues and I am also taking him to get an eye exam just to make sure.

we are trying to rule everything out as sometimes some symptons can reflect those of adhd.

amother

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 9:35 pm

Hi everyone, I am the OP. Firstly, THANK YOU for your kind and supportive words. Believe me, I will be reading this thread many times over for chizuk. I think a big part of the problem is that I feel like I am not doing it for HIM. I feel like I am doing it for MY sanity, that I can't take his behavior anymore. So I feel guilty. I spoke to his therapist and I said that sometimes I feel like I hate him, things get so bad. embarrassed

The therapist told me it's normal, but it's horrible to feel that way. I know things are harder right now because it's the summertime and he's out of seder, plus with all his siblings around, they fight like crazy.

To Morah; I know what you mean about the suggestion of potching. I feel very strongly this will NOT help my son, in fact, I think to potch him would make him angrier and even more aggressive. (BTW the therapist said that his anger and aggression are aspects of the ADHD, it's not just about not being able to focus, or constantly being wild, etc).

to the amother who mentioned working on seder in the home, you are right, that would be the best thing. I have a lot of kids and we are very nutty around here, so I know that doesn't help matters.

anyway, THANK YOU ALL and I certainly welcome more input.

youngbubby

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 10:25 pm

First of all it is not "drugs" it is medication. If u had a child that was a diabetic would u give the child hid meds??? well same here your child was just diagnosed with ADHD..he needs his meds there is nothing wrong with that,,it has nothing to do about your parenting skills..just this child has an illness that needs to be treated with medication. If u think that your child really docent need the meds go sit a day in his classroom and watch him and then watch the other kids...talk about unfair..your chuild need to be helped..it dosent mean he is on meds for life just bow to get through this....

amother

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 11:47 pm

I can relate a bit to you, amother. My eight-year-old daughter is probably ADHD. She is still in the evaluation stage, but from all the feedback I am getting from the doctor, I think that they will officially diagnose her the next time we meet. Actually, she was diagnosed by her regular pediatrician close to a year ago, but I did not want to accept that label without seeing some experts. In any case, I am really hesitant to start her on medications.

B"H, she is doing mostly fine academically and socially (she is very bright and does not have the hyperactive component, so the social aspect is okay for her), so I don't feel that I am harming her by trying other things, but sometimes it is just so hard. I want to try some of the diets that are said to help, but my head spins when I learn about all the options. We already eat a relatively "pure" diet, but dh isn't supportive of making any extra changes or cutting out those last potentially problematic foods. I have tried so many reward systems, timers, consequences, etc. I feel like if I do the meds it is just for my ease, since she isn't really doing so badly. But it really affects our home life. I think we have a pretty good structure at home, but it is an uphill battle every day. I am just tired.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I hope you find peace in your decision. Once you commit, don't feel guilty. Hatzlacha!

amother

Wed, Aug 11 2010, 7:24 am

amother wrote:

About the rewards and punishments not working, please keep in mind that there is very limited effectiveness to consequences for a child that CAN'T behave better for wahatever reason. A great book is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, a harvard professor. He is not adressing add directly (in fact there are those out there who don't believe in the label per say, but prefer to adress skill deficits directly). He talks about how communication comes into play when dealing with a "difficult child". You can read up a bit on this website: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/
To the mothers who are overwhelmed with what to do first, you can only do your best, it is a journey and a process. You have to go at it from different angles- structure, sensory opportunities, medication, communication, SLEEP and nutrition- whatever can help. But you are human, so one thing at a time, and keep in mind you being calm is JUST as important as any of the other methods.

The meds are not a cop out, for many ppl, only then can they begin to work on the other strategies.

Tehilla

Wed, Aug 11 2010, 7:46 am

I debated whether or not to respond to this.

Medication should be the last resort. There are many things to try before that, although it takes patience, strength, and lots of love.

Research Dr. Kenneth Bock's books. I have other books I will try and find.

We are in an ongoing successful treatment of one of my children for ADHD type symptoms. I say "type" because I am not interesting in labeling and boxing her in. We have the support of our pediatrician, and B"H have been extremely successful with our homeopath. When symptoms reoccur, we go back for a treatment. Sometimes that can be one month later, sometimes four months. It works though and gets to the root cause of the problem.

I found many symptoms were sensory related. I also ditched food coloring, preservatives, and as many processed sugary foods as I could.

Please know that whatever you decide you are doing what you think is best for your child.

c.c.cookie

Wed, Aug 11 2010, 8:19 am

amother wrote:

It's one and the same. Preserving YOUR sanity is important for HIM. Sometimes I think it's more of a "failure" not to give medication. People are so brainwashed by what others say they "shouldn't" do, that they think they're "failures" for doing it. Your son needs a calm, sane mother. If it's not working for you without the meds, it's not to great for him either. You're not doing HIM any favors by letting yourself go crazy.

amother

Wed, Aug 11 2010, 8:44 am

My brother has ADHD along w/ a host of other things (bipolar, ODD...) & 1 thing I can tell you s that if your son needs meds you are doing him no favor by keeping him off of them. By doing so you are basically setting him up to fail, which breeds more failure & a low self esteem. Meds can help him control himself, they're not controlling him. It may take some time in finding the right med/dosage & such. You can do all the natural stuff as well though, it can't hurt. There are tons of ppl in the same situation & you can get some great advice & support from others who have been there. Hatslacha & be strong.

JuliaB

Wed, Aug 11 2010, 8:46 pm

You got a lot of helpful advice. One thing I would like to add...

If it's hard for you (his mother who loves him so much) to handle his behavior, it is probably hard for other people around him to handle his behavior and be around him (think peers, teachers, siblings, etc).

It is common for kids with ADHD to have social problems and be rejected socially has all types of negative outcomes for kids. Medication might help your son have more positive interactions with other people and lead a more fulfilling life. As other posters said, you want to make sure you are seeing an excellent psychiatrist who will carefully monitor your son.

Best of luck.