IS IT RIGHT | Imamother

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

IS IT RIGHT

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Yona

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 4:58 pm

Do you think its right to return a gift you got from you Mother-n-law, or future mother-n-law, (such as jewlary) if you dont like it?

mrsERK

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 5:05 pm

Would you be open about it with her or would you be returning it behind her back and then constantly trying to cover up why you're not wearing what she gave you?

(For instance, I know when my MIL was picking out a bracelet for me when I got engaged, I was given a choice of 3, and I told her that none of them were really my style. She was happy that I was honest about it and that she didnt spend a lot of money on something I wouldnt wear. The next one she brought home was PERFECT so it worked out wonderfully.)

It also depends on your relationship with her... I dont think there is any one right answer.

morah

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 5:10 pm

Your best bet would be to hold on to it and make sure to wear it at least some of the times you see her.

amother

Ivory

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 5:46 pm

I got nothing from my in-laws. You can give it to me LOL

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 30 2015, 11:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

Basimcha

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 5:53 pm

I don't think its very polite to do return a gift. You can be sure if you return it you wont get any more gifts from her.

life'sgreat

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 6:51 pm

It depends on many factors, including your relationship with them, if you're newly wed etc...

pumpernickle

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 7:03 pm

Some things are acceptable to change. Like a set of linen that doesn't match etc. I'm not sure about jewelry though.

Grandmama

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 7:25 pm

I think when you get a gift, the right thing to do is to say Thank You.
The other person thought about you, paid for it, and hoped you would enjoy it.
If you don't like it, you can give it away or throw it away, but unless they specified options of returns or exchanges, you politely accept the gift, and do with it as you wish.
If she ever asks? You lost/misplaced it.
If she doesn't? Great.

You will hopefully IYH get many gifts in your life, some you will love and cherish, and others you will dislike.
The biggest and best gifts in life are the ones that teach you something. Usually these are FREE gifts.
Like how to appreciate everything and everyone around you.
Almost everything is disposable, but if you hurt someone's feelings, it's pretty hard to make up for that.

DREAMING

Thu, Aug 26 2010, 7:38 pm

for a kallah I think it's really not nice to return a gift. (althought I know lppl that have done it)

otherwise depends on relationship

Mina

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 10:09 am

IF you get a gift as a kallah. I dont think it is nice to return it.YOUR RELATIONSHIP with your future family is far to important!!!!!even though you are told you may return or exchange it I do think some people will get insulted!!so keep it! and make the best of it!!!!!

tzipp

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 10:28 am

Because it is jewelry, I think she should trade it in for something she likes. No one should buy jewelry for someone unless they know their taste, and feel insulted if they want to switch it. But dil should be polite and nice about it, and mil should be gracious so it does not turn into a contentious issue.

louche

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 10:45 am

The one person whose gifts you should absolutely not ever exchange, except to get a different size, is you mother-in-law!

Having said that, it really depends on her personality and your relationship, as well as the nature of the gift. A kallah gift? Talk about starting off on the wrong foot, the first gift your future mil gives you, you return? Doesn't reflect well on you, makes you seem ungrateful and difficult to please, and doesn't bode well for your future relationship. (Note to self, do not buy jewelry for any future kallahs by yourself--take them along to choose.) It can also be taken as an insult, especially something ornamental like jewelry, as there's an implied criticism of her taste.

OTOH, your mil may be a very easygoing person who is not readily offended, and who expects you to exchange things . If you already have an open and cordial relationship, exchanging a gift will be less insulting than if your relationship is a little uneasy.

The nature of the gift and its value also plays a role, as does just how much it offends you. An engagement ring that makes you cringe is different from a pendant that's just "eh". And if the item is out and out uncomfortable, like earrings that are too heavy or a choker that catches the little hairs on the back of your neck--that you are almost obligated to exchange. But something like that can easily be explained without being insulting, and any normal mil would prefer you get something that you will actually wear than something that sits in a box because it hurts to wear it.

CTSunshine

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 11:05 am

I agree with all the previous posters. The last persons gift that you should be returning is your MILs. Be grateful that she spent time and money choosing what she thinks would look stunning on you. Be appreciative and grateful, and only wear it whenever you go over her house. She will be so happy that you wear it every now and then in her presence.. Smile

LadyG

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 11:08 am

As a kallah, you don't want to cause ill feelings between you and your mother-in-law. Maybe wait till after the wedding to say something. I bought my husband, then chosson, a silver becher for Shabbos. He thanked me then, but once we got married he kindly told me that it wasn't his taste. So we went to the store and returned it. I'll admit, it didn't feel great. But at least he was honest, and waited till we were married. Somehow, after the wedding it's not that big of deal whereas during engagement, you have to be careful not to rock the boat.

bigprincess

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 12:27 pm

Never give back something you got as a gift. Your MIL bought it because she likes it, so only wear it when you visit her. I got a necklace at my graduation which was used and scratched and I used it every time I was around that person who gave it to me.

louche

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 12:36 pm

Mothers are a different story. You should know by now if your mom is or is not the sort who will be hurt if you exchange her gift.

I know one mother whose dd is very picky about everything and is guaranteed to return anything she receives. Mum got tired of wasting her time and energy shopping for things that would only be returned. She now gives dd cash and tells her " this is for you to buy a__________, show it to me when you do." If dd wants s/t more pricey, she has the option of adding her own money. If she wants s/t less costly, the extra money is a bonus. If she ends up not liking what she bought, she has no one to blame but herself.

DefyGravity

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 12:42 pm

Smart people should know that you don't buy friends or family expensive jewelry without letting them pick it out or give them several choices. Or clearly telling them that they can exchange it.

Yes, it's very nice to give someone an expensive gift, but there's no point if the person doesn't like it and doesn't feel comfortable wearing it.

Personally, I'd rather receive nothing than receiving a costly gift that I don't like. It makes me feel very guilty when I receive an expensive gift that I dislike because the person wasted their money for nothing.

amother

Fri, Aug 27 2010, 3:30 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I agree. I've got a drawer full of jewelry (some pretty expensive) from my MIL that is so gaudy that I'd be embarrassed to wear it in public. Once in a blue moon if she comes over I'll put a piece on just to make her feel good. I can't possibly return/exchange/regift it. So I'm stuck with it. I appreciate to have a MIL who buys me gifts, really I do. I know not all MILs even bother to be thoughtful. I just wish she had better taste. Or the sense to let me pick something out my own style.

Mina

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 10:05 am

had a disscussion with friends on their opinion about giving back a gift to MIL..all agreed definatly not a good idea even if MIL says you can!

life'sgreat

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 3:58 pm

I'm going to be a voice of dissent here.

I got an expensive necklace from my future sisters in law that was IMO, so extremely large, and fugly that there was just no way I was going to be caught in the dark with it. They are Israeli through and through and their taste is so different that I'd have been embarrassed to wear it even during SB and afterward while they were here. It was also expensive and I knew it didn't come by easily for them. I knew my mother in law LOVES jewelry and to her, the most important thing was to see me wear the stuff.

So yeah, I told her that this piece is something that really really wouldn't work in the US and it hurts my heart to see it go to waste, lying in my drawer.

They happily exchanged it (and had my sister in law (from my side)) choose a piece when she was there for YT. My mother in law was grateful that I was honest and told her about it.

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