My daughter smells!

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 9:34 am

My 13 year old dd smells so bad! It's not even just a BO kind of smell. It's worse. The use of deodorant would never cover up this stink. \ Problem is, she absolutely refuses to shower! I manage to get her to shower Thursday night or Friday morning for Shabbos, but that's it!!! She walked in the room this morning, and the smell was actually like a bag of old garbage. It is so gross. I actually asked my dh if he had taken out the trash, then I realized it was dd! Aside from not showering, she also refuses to brush her teeth, and her breath is just as disgusting. Don't say "peer pressure will turn her around." She is homeschooled, and rarely sees any girls her age except on Shabbos, when she doesn't smell. My other children happilly bathe every day or every other day, but not her. She changes her clothes, underwear, socks, and pj's every day, but just refuses to shower. I even told her she could pick out whatever soap and shampoo she wanted, even telling her I'd take her to the mall to a specialty store to pick something nice just for her to use, no matter what the cost. She just looked at me like I was totally from Mars!!!!

HELP!!!!!!

mummiedearest

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:14 am

when she walks in smelling like old garbage, tell her so!!!

some teens just don't notice their own smell. tell her if she won't shower she has to deal with the consequences, including various family members avoiding her. I know teens are sensitive, but some things need to be said bluntly. don't beat around the bush.

oh, and if she doesn't do it already, tell her she'll be in charge of her own laundry if she doesn't shower. no reason for anyone else to have to deal with smelly clothes.

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:34 am

This might sound harsh, but start taking away priviledges….like, severely!

Sit her down and lay down the law. Tell her that you expect her, now that she's an adult, to shower each and every day. Tell her that her smell is bothering you a great deal, and that she has no right to make other people feel sick or nauseated because she doesn't feel like showering.

You can also tell her that she isn't welcome at the family table at meal time if she smells bad from not showering. And take away priviledges, like Shabbos visits with friends, if she still refuses. Making her do her own laundry, as suggested by someone else, is also a good idea.

And I guess try not to phrase it as an option. You can literally walk up to her every day, hand her a towel and say "It's time for you to take a shower now. Go".

artikidove

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:52 am

there are some books for girls hitting puberty that explain the need for showering/deodorant/teeth brushing. maybe she needs to read about it and make the decision herself.
my brother went through a phase where he refused to even change his clothes and my parents took away privileges with friends. he turned around pretty fast and now he showers daily (for a yeshiva bochur, that's apparently rare)

shosh

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 3:47 pm

With my younger kids, if they don't want to shower, I explain that they will end up smelling like the toilet if they don't and sometimes I have had to say that their feet stink, and generally they will then do the shower.

If that doesn't work with your dd, how about sticking your neck out and buying her one of those really fancy shower gel and deodorant gift sets? As she is becoming a teenager, she might like it, especially as these things look really pretty and appealing. Present it as a special luxury, something she is lucky to have, and this might encourage her to want to use it!

The other thing is that sometimes a person isn't interested in keeping clean bc they have self-esteem issues. Could that be your dd's case? It might be worth looking into.

Good luck!

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 3:55 pm

Find a professional IRL to talk to about this. Informally. But this is unusual for a teenager IMO. Does she have self esteem issues, down about anything? Even though she's home-schooled, does she have interaction with girls her age?

SingALong

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 7:07 pm

I agree with amother above to check things out with a psychiatrist/psychologist, just ot rule out any anxiety with showering or fear of water. ( I once worked with a teenager who was afraid of water, he refused to shower...).

if that can be eliminated then you can be strict like with washing her own clothing, she can't sit by the dinner table with family, etc. perhaps also educating her about Torah values, how a Talmid Chacham needs to look put together and respectable, and how cleanliness is important, can also help her

Chocoholic

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 7:11 pm

This is really embarrasing - and I should post this as amother to avoid possible future consequences - but at that age I got a shower chart, and it worked wonders after two weeks I was soused to shower daily I haven't stopped since (in those days I still washed my hair only once every few weeks but thats nit-picking LOL

)

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 7:15 pm

I think the first step is to let her know that she smells. I know my bil lives with us and he hated showering. Then my husband explained to him that he must shower daily especially after playing sports, etc. And now he'll ask at times does he need to shower if he's come in from a run and I'
ll often tell him yes. He also was like why didn;t yopu tell me before?

octopus

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 7:34 pm

My first reaction is if you could casually ask a psychologist or therapist or even educator if it is a cause of concern that your dd vehemently refuses a shower. You probably should do the incentive stuff first but if it doesn't work, I would be concerned if this was a mental health issue.

jaysmom

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 7:45 pm

the above suggestions are great ones, but just as an aside, it might be a good idea to have her go to the dentist for a cleaning and have them scare the 'plaque' out of her and tell her that she could lose her teeth at a very young age.

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 8:19 pm

I was s-xually abused as a child at home, by a family member. He would come into my showers ( unlocking the door) and touch self there. Ever since it started I stopped showering.( only erev shabbos when I haaad to.) I was scared and uncomfortable. Today's days I force myself into the shower and try not to think. I'm not sayIng this may be the case here, but I just wanna make people aware.

amother

Fri, Dec 17 2010, 9:27 am

amother wrote:

I'm the same amother. I went amother because I was cowardly and afraid I might be hurting OP by reading all sorts of stuff into this. But I still feel this concern. And as such, before starting any incentives, coming down hard, etc. I think it's better to get a handle on what's going on AND how best to handle it. Because those techniques could make things worse.