My son hates me | Imamother

amother

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 6:29 pm

Plain and simple my son hates me. I am a horrible, horrible mother, and he hates me. How did I get to this place? I am a stay at home mom, I used to have so much fun with him, so so much, now he is a bit older, and I have lost a connection with him, I cant seem to find that strong relationship with him. He never listens to me, I always shout out of frustration because he wont listen to me or he uses inapropriate language which drives me insane. And tonight he told me that sometimes he cant stand me!! I feel like dying im losing my son and I feel sick and I want nothing to do with me. I am so unhappy, where is my child and where is our love?

marina

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 9:23 pm

Quote:

And tonight he told me that sometimes he cant stand me!!

And so what? We all can't stand the people we love sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love them. I'm sure you sometimes can't stand him. So?

We all have parenting and patience things we need to work on but lady, you are being way too hard on yourself.

Kids will say they can't stand you, they hate you, you are the meanest, worstest mom ever and everybody else's mom gives them chocolate chips for breakfast. You can't let it get to you like this. What your kids say about you is not in any way shape or form an indicator of your parenting skills or potential or relationship.

How old is your child? What is the one biggest behavioral issue you have with him? Let's work on one thing at a time.

leomom

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 9:36 pm

Boys can be very difficult, especially as they move into a stage when peers seem to become more influential than parents. What are your son's friends like? How old is he? If his friends use bad language, etc., he may be having a hard time not taking on some of that even though he wants to be better and live up to your expectations. Don't get angry; just keep reminding him firmly that you don't appreciate those words or whatever. Then make sure that you consciously give him many compliments and lots of encouragement when he does good things, even tiny things like clearing a cup from the table. Find little opportunities to spend time with him talking or running an errand, and make sure you lighten up the mood in the house whenever you can with humor and jokes. Also, hug him every day.

He won't be perfect and you'll still have problems between you, but your essential, loving connection will be there underneath.

anon

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 11:01 pm

I think it's very dangerous to ignore a child who seems to "hate" his mother, especially when the mother "feels" she's losing her connection with him. Very often, blaming such behavior as a "phase" is an excuse.

First of all, I know of MANY adults who will admit to the fact that they never felt that their mother and/or father loved them. Now as adults, they understand on an intellectual level that their parents must love them. But as children, they never felt it, and they were negatively affected by that.

Secondly, we're living in a time where children who don't feel a love or connection wtih their parents often fall prey (as teenagers) to drug and/or alcohol addictions, and many go off the derech. If you don't think that this is true, it's simply because you don't know (ask any frum therapist, and they will concur).

After my daughter was born, my 2 year old son acted like he hated me. Everyone told me it's "normal", he's jealous of the baby. Well, whether or not it's normal was irrelevant to me. My relationship with my baby son was not as it should be. It was only after I immersed myself in parent education (books and classes) that my relationship with my son blossomed again.

If you see your relationship wtih your son disintegrating, know that there is help out there for you (in the form of parent education). Immerse yourself in it, and you'll reap the rewards.

leomom

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 11:10 pm

anon wrote:

Well, it could be normal, it could be a phase, it could be bad influences from friends, or it could be something deeper and more concerning. Without more information from OP, it's hard to say. But as doctors say, you don't look for zebras when horses are much more common. Based on OP's initial info, it does sound like she and her son are growing out of the mom-and-her-little-boy stage and into something else that they haven't quite figured out and adjusted to yet. It can be very upsetting as things change, and OP sounds justifiably upset that things are not great right now.

But I don't think we're in "dangerous" territory at the moment.

anon

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 11:39 pm

yy wrote:

anon wrote:

I didn't say that she is in dangerous territory. I said it's dangerous to ignore such statements from children (because ignoring it can result in something more serious). While sometimes these statements are meant to be manipulative, they are also often genuine. And if the mother feels like she's losing her connection with her son, then there's a good chance that her son is also in pain and his outbursts are genuine.

Therefore, my advice is not to poo-poo it. Rather, take it as a message that it's time to brush up on parenting skills.

triLcat

Wed, Dec 22 2010, 3:14 am

There's a difference between ignoring it and not taking it too personally.
If you've lost the relationship, you should be looking for what you can do to rebuild it.
But honestly, my daughter told me she loves pretty much everyone we know but not me. I told her "but I love you" and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Granted, she's young (not yet 4), but it's really important to take these messages with a grain of salt even from older kids.

april

Wed, Dec 22 2010, 10:23 pm

If you are not giving him enough discipline it could be that he is insecure and subconsciously angry at you for that. There are good ways to dicipline without yelling. For example, if his language is an issue that you could tell him exactly which words he is forbidden to say in your presence and tell him the consequenses for doing so. If he continues to use them he is testing you and then you need to implement the consequences. For example, you could put him in time out, or have him lose toys/privilages/money/treats or have him write or say sentances like "I will not say blank because it is bad for my neshama" a certain number of times per offense. You do not need to yell, just implement a harsh enough consequence that he stops the action. Pick one thing at a time that you want to change. At the same time, make sure that you are showing him love verbally and physically and complementing him for his good points. Good luck!