NCSY - To let my teenage daughter go or not to go?

Chalupta

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 6:45 pm

My daughter is turning 14 in a few weeks, IY"H, and needs some social outlets in the Los Angeles area that are fun and outgoing. She is currently not enrolled in a Jewish school as her particular educational needs are finally being met in a non-public private school, so her friendships with Jewish kids are very limited. I have considered having her try participating in NCSY but have heard a lot of controversial opinions about this organization, namely that many of the boys and girls get mixed up in improper relationships that are not moderated by those in charge. And yet I have also heard about some of their activities that sound really wonderful. I am a single mom trying to raise her in as frum a way as I can, yet because of her schooling situation (long story), it has not been easy! I would so appreciate any input, resources, and/or ideas and your take on NCSY, if you know of this organization.

Thank you! Tongue Out

shnitzel

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 7:42 pm

I would let her go.
But I do have to confess that my DH works for NCSY and has worked for them in some capacity since the day we married as well as being a product of NCSY so I am definitely biased. I also think it is important for her to spend time with Jewish teens. If she is in a coed environment than mixing with boys is an issue anyways and the actual Shabbatons are generally well policed. Beyond that I think it is the parent's responsibility if a relationship is happening outside of events.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 8:20 pm

I don't know what kind of needs she has; I assume you mean the regular program, not Yachad, which is different?
If that's the case, I'm a bit ambivalent, I.e. can go either way. LA is a pretty big place; is that really the best of the options?
I assume also that you made an informed decision to put her in public school. Who's helped you with that decision as far as someone you respect religiously? How have your daughter's social needs been met so far?
Sorry for all the questions, I feel like the answers will help someone out here who can help you put the puzzle pieces together. Hatzlacha!

chavamom

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 8:27 pm

amother wrote:

PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW if she is ffb!

Not all ffb's are created equal nor are all NCSY chapters the same. I think there is no blanket rule and has to be decided based on your daughter and also based on your local NCSY chapter. While I wouldn't send my Bais Ya'akov daughter, NCSY probably saved my oldest son's relationship with Yiddishkeit and was a terrific experience for him. When making the decision whether to send my son, we discussed the issues with the NCSY advisor. It was great in that he asks for daas torah of a gadol and he doesn't just say "Yeah, it's great, everyone should come".

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 9:04 pm

amother wrote:

PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW if she is ffb!

FYI kids at Shabatons do flirt and sometimes "stuff " like kissing or phone exchanges go on ,and a lot depends on how dedicated and watchfull the advisors are ,so you are taking a chance.

some boy I know from our kiruv days even had his digits pre-written on business cards to give out to "hot chicks" to keep in touch or meet later shock

I would not chance it.

Thats crazy. Not everyone is the same. When I was in NCSY (and I was FFB) most of my chapter was made up of FFB students but it was a wonderful learning experience, to see and be with other teens that were not frum.
Yes, sometimes there can be hanky panky, but im afraid that you can find that anywhere now a days.

Mirabelle

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 6:09 am

OMG!!!!
Someone from NCSY posted this thread on FACEBOOK!!!!!

I am a "fan" of NCSY on facebook and when I logged on this morning I saw "Should a mother let her 14-year-old daughter participate in NCSY? Follow the debate here."
Imamother.com :: NCSY - To let my teenage daughter go or not to go?
www.imamother.com
My daughter is turning 14 in a few weeks, IY"H, and needs some social outlets in the Los Angeles area that are fun and outgoing. She is currently not enrolled in a Jewish school as her particular educational needs are finally being met in a non-public private school, so her friendships with Jewish k...

Oy, I do not know how to feel about this!!! I know that imamother has some public forums, but this really feels like a "private" issue.

PinkFridge

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 8:26 am

Yeah, Mirabelle, we do show up in public fora; I can't tell you how many times I've googled something (usually in the cooking realm) and found imamother as the first hit.
Well, now that it's done let's hope it sparks some thoughtful debate. I'd like to think that any kid who's found his/her way to NCSY is a little bit more of a thinker than the average bear anyway.
And about Friendship Circle: good idea but I don't know if it will fill the social needs as much. Maybe it will. Like NCSY I would think YMMV from chapter to chapter.
And OP, I shouldn't have said "I assume" in my post: I should have said "I'm sure I can assume." Tongue Out

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:11 pm

Mirabelle wrote:

OMG! THAT'S SO NUTS! ON FACEBOOK???!!! HAHAHA! I MADE IT INTO THE BIG WORLD!!! I posted this question to get a sense for what many think of NCSY as I don't want to make a blind decision. Based on the majority of responses that I am getting - FOR WHICH I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL, Y'ALL! - I think I've gleaned quite a bit and am able to think about it better and make a better choice for my girl. I'm REALLY new to this site but am hooked as the topics are so varied and everyone seems to really care about one another. Tongue Out

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:16 pm

chana_f wrote:

You might want to look into Friendship Circle. It's a great Chabad-based (but for everyone) volunteer program for teens, helping special needs kids. They have a lot of fun, and do a lot of chesed. http://www.fcla.org/volunteer.asp

Thank you. I know the wonderful couple who started the Friendship Circle here in L.A. The problem is that I have a younger daughter with severely special needs (wheelchair, G-Tube, etc.), and this for daughter about whom I am writing disabled children hits a very deep trigger. She hasn't really come to terms with having such a severely disabled sister or all that she has had to go through while I was going crazy to keep her alive, living in the hospital, having traumatic nights of emergency techs coming in to take her to the ER, etc. So for her to volunteer to take care of other children who are not well would put her into a very painful place. I honor that and want to find an environment for her where she can be free of the burdens she already has had to carry. Oy, what life!!!

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:22 pm

sequoia wrote:

She's already in a coed school, what's the question?

True. However, she knows that her boundaries end when someone is not Jewish. That is why I am currently not as worried about all the non-Jewish boys she is currently in school with (even though one of them wrote her a love letter!). She knows not to cross those boundaries. However, when surrounded by Jewish boys... where the boundaries are not as clear... that's when I would worry. It's not that she isn't around Jewish boys. We are very close to a family that has several teenage sons who bring their friends over, and she is there all the time with the whole family (while I work - single motherhood, sole provider, you know the drill). But she feels more like these boys are her brothers who will protect her even from their own friends. Outside of the safety of this protection, though, is where I question whether or not a co-ed Jewish program is good for her. And yet, as many have responded to my question - thank you! - there is no hiding her in the closet, is there?

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:35 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

I do not know what Yachad is. Can you please explain?

To answer your questions (thank you so much for your interest and time), the decision to send her to public school was thrown on me, and I did not have too much of a choice. She is currently enrolled in what they call a "Non-Public Private School" that works with kids that have ADHD and oppositional behaviors and she is finally coming into her own and blooming from within. At the frum school, although the teachers and principals were so wonderful and tried so hard to work with her, her needs were just not being met and they were not able to continue having here there... so we were very kindly asked not to return. She has never felt better about herself and been more confident and happy with herself. The ones who helped me with the decisions I have had to make are Hashem (as I guess I had no choice but to place her into a school that addressed her issues as she could not return to her frum school), her therapist, and a handful of incredible professionals who evaluated her for educational and psychological issues to make sure her needs were met. Consulting with a Rav on this was not an option as I had to come to terms that my daughter needed her educational needs met and those needs could not be met in a frum school of wonderful teachers who unfortunately were not special-ed trained. After we were asked not to return, I realized that putting her into another frum school would not have addressed her core issues, and the problems would still continue, and she would drown in them.

I hope I have answered your questions. Thank you again for taking your time to help. I really appreciate it!

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:41 pm

shnitzel wrote:

Thank you. You hit the nail on the button. In the end, it is always up to the parents, and parents who rely solely on others in responsible positions to look out for everything are fostering trouble. Yes she is in a co-ed situation now, but as I had written earlier, she is in a non-Jewish environment, and she knows very clearly who she is and that the boundary ends there. It is when she is in a co-ed JEWISH situation that the boundaries would shift to more complicated issues of her tznius, proper behavior, etc... I realize I can't keep her boxed in, and the majority of the responses here are helping me realize that I should definitely take a look into letting her go, but speak with the chapter heads and keep in constant contact with them to create a harmonious overview of her experience. That's my job as a parent, is it not?