WWYD? DD's friend dumped her.. DD is miserable. should I..

amother

Fri, Feb 04 2011, 2:26 pm

DD' best friend of at least 8 years seems to be parting ways from her. DD's BF slept over by another girls in the class a few weeks ago, (who has been trying to break up DD and her BF for a while) and it seems as though she may have succeeded. While I know that every girl has the right to talk to other girls, her ex BF is being outright rude and obnoxious to my DD. When DD tried to talk ex BF the other day she said "_______ youre interrupting me... dont you see Im talking to _______- which was the girl who is trying to tear them apart.

When DD sat down in her usual seat for lunch, Ex BF told her, "sorry, I am saving it for _____ (the NEW girl in the picture)

DD is downright hurt, miserable and crying.
I feel like I should call ex BF's mom and let her know how miserable my DD is and to let her know that perhaps inadvertantly, her daughter is hurting my DD so badly, but perhaps I should let nature take its course.

I felt like talking to the Principal also, to let her know how mean spirited these 2 girls are being though I know it is a free country, but to be mean is plain wrong.

WWYD in this situation?

Chayalle

Fri, Feb 04 2011, 2:36 pm

These things happen and come and go. It's a tough world. I highly doubt that talking to the mother or the principal would have the desired results at all, though I can understand your feelings. It's hard to see our kids miserable.

What you CAN do is listen to your DD; validate her feelings; and at the same time, try to build her up. Let her see that her entire happiness should not depend on one girl. It's time to branch out. Tell your DD that she's a good person, and point out her good qualities that make her a desireable friend. Help her to find other friends to hang out with. Talk about the possibilities, and once she identifies some "targets" you can help her by planning ways to initiate, like inviting them over, etc...

Keep in mind that sometimes a friendship will end when there is too much dependancy. For this reason I encourage my girls to branch out. Sometimes their BF will need some space, or feel like spending time with someone else, and that's okay. By showing their friends that they can be friends without obligating themselves constantly, a much healthier relationship is maintained.

I wish your DD all the best in her social life. May happier times come her way.

Last edited by Chayalle on Fri, Feb 04 2011, 3:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

MuppetLover

Fri, Feb 04 2011, 2:37 pm

Leave it alone. Unless it becomes a bullying situation, leave it alone, You cant find her battles for her as much as you want to and it breaks your heart to see her suffering.

BUT you can listen and sympathize. You doing something about it means she may not confide in you in the future about other problems. You can advise and guide, but I wouldnt become involved unless it turns into a bullying/abusive situation.

Barbara

Fri, Feb 04 2011, 2:59 pm

Please please please please please do not call the school or the other family. If you do so, your daughter will almost certainly and irrevocably be branded as a loser.

No one can force people to be friends. In high school, teens often move away from old friends. Its hard on your daughter. I agree with those who told you to sympathize.

Encourage your daughter to branch out, to talk to other girls with whom she might have something in common. But at the same time, encourage her to continue to reach out to her old friend, as well as to this other girl. If she sees old friend talking to other girl (OG), your daughter shouldn't barge in and interrupt (as it sounds like she might have done), but she can go up to them and say hi, what's up. She can invite both to do whatever. In the lunchroom, if old friend is saving a seat for OG, she can pull up another chair and say *OK* if she thinks that's welcome.

Grace

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 3:25 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I think this advice was so so spot on.

I distinctly remember a similar situation happening to me in my first yr in high school, and I remember being so upset I walked in on my mom having a bath.... (I know sounds quite awful - my poor mom) I was so so upset and I just wanted her to listen and comfort me but my mom is really old school told me to pull myself together and get on with it. (she was right) but she could have been a little more... I dont know caring, anyhow, show her love and care and guide her well BUT dont call, no good will come of it.
Poor dd, I have been through many awful 'adult life' stuff since then - but I remember the hurt of that quite well.

sneakermom

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 6:46 pm

There was a girl in my class in eighth grade who was feeling left out. Her sympathetic mother called some classmates mother's and she spoke to the school. Suffice it to say that girl never recovered socially throughout her years in school. Had her mother left things alone, and built up her daughter she would have stood a chance. But a girl with an interfering mother...no kid wants to get close to that.

amother

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 7:09 pm

The only time a mother should get involved is when there is bullying or extreme circumstances but not when a friendship break up is involved.

Also, mothers don't always see both sides of the picture and may not understand their own child's role in everything going on.
Once a mother got nasty to my daughter after my daughter's friendship with her daughter dissolved, not understanding the role her own child had to play in sabotaging the relationship. (my daughter gave her so many chances)
I've never gotten over that and our own relationship (mine and that other mother's) was damaged as a result.

Kayza

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 8:12 pm

Do NOT talk to either the mother or the principal. Not only will you not make anything better, you risk making things far worse.

Don't bad mouth either girl. But, do be supportive, and empathetic. Your daughter is hurting and it's hard to see, but she does not need to see you turning into a puddle. What she needs to see is that you understand what she is going through and that you are confident that despite the hurt she is feeling right now, she'll come through it.

Encourage her to spend time with other girls. Don't let her drop activities that she enjoyed with this other girl, either. She doesn't need the other girl for these activities. Even if they are things that are meant for more than one person, she can find other people to do them with. On the other hand, if these were activities that she didn't enjoy anyway, then she shouldn't have been involved in them anyway, and it's just as well that friendship is coming to an end.

mommyla

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 9:24 pm

Ouch!

This brings back some memories... You could practically be telling my story! My BF "dumped" me unceremoniously in 8th grade too, for a different (& obnoxious) girl, a mutual "friend." I remember finding a note in BF's diary (okay, so I was no angel either!) between the two of them, making fun of me. I was devastated. And I didn't even tell my mother, because she and BF's mother were BFs themselves & I didn't want her getting involved! It was a mess...

But (and your daughter won't want to hear this, but it may make you feel better), I got over it, and now, 10+ years later, I have the best friends I could ever wish for. I am married, a mother, and happy with my life. I learned to be careful in how I treat other people and became a good friend because of the negative experience. And ex-BF? She spent high school and beyond as one of the class favorites, which was extraordinarily hard for me, and now lives near me. I have been tolerant but cool, and we never quite recovered the friendship - but my life is better without it.

Good luck! She'll be okay! It's par for the course for teenaged (or preteen) girls.

Yocheved84

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 10:49 pm

Sorry to be one of the lone dissenters here, but do you know the other mother? Are you close to her at all? Also, how old is your daughter?

I think it couldn't hurt to ask the other mom if everything is ok. Tell the other mom that you understand that children drift. Tell the other mother that even if the girls are not as close these days, that you'd still like to meet her for coffee. (Btw, when my best friend 'broke up' with me, my mother called her mother. They had never really met before, and now the two of them are best friends. Go figure.)

For all you know, maybe your daughter did something to hurt the other child's feelings. It can't hurt to inquire. And maybe this girl needs a lesson in how to delicately break off a friendship.

Being a teenager stinks Sad

::goes and slams my virtual bedroom door and is blasting my ipod now::

ValleyMom

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 11:58 pm

let it go but be loving and supportive...
being a teen ager is such a rough time with raging hormones and all...
this is just a speed bump in life...
tell her to hang in there and ride the wave!

whatever you do...
do NOT contact the principal or other mom... NOBODY likes a meddling mom... unless the other girls are abusive or bullies...