Use the entire gift, or save some?

amother

Tue, Apr 05 2011, 9:24 pm

My mil gave me and dh money to "buy our kids yom tov clothing at X store". I had in mind to buy my oldest of each gender two new outfits, and each younger one only one outfit and fill in the gaps with surviving hand-me-downs from the older kids. When I went shopping, they had so many gorgeous things, that I ended up buying all of my girls two new outfits (not just the oldest one) and they're even coordinating!

After I got home I felt really silly that I had done that since they didn't really each need 2 outfits, a feeling that was compounded by the fact that my dh really wants me to return one outfit from each girl since it's absolutely not necessary. I know that practically speaking he's right, but the outfits are all so cute and I can't decide which one to return, I also hate shabbos hand-me-downs, plus I feel like that money was given for the express purpose of buying shabbos clothes, so, even though it would be great to have money from the gift left over for something else, it's not like I'm overspending from our own budget, and it feels good to put my kids in nice, new matching clothes. DH strongly feels that we should save as much of the money as possible for something else.

I should probably add that we don't have a lot of money at all, and rarely buy any perks, and before the gift I was definitely planning to bargain hunt to get the best price, and not necessarily shop at a nice store.

What would you do?

Liba

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 12:02 am

Has MIL ever done this before? Is she likely to do the same before the next set of yomim tovim?

If you don't spent the money ask she asked, will she be less likely to be so generous next time?

Will she be seeing the kids over yom tov to see what you bought and get nachas from it?

I am inclined to think that, if she gave you the money for the purpose you need to ask a shayla from a rav if you don't. You might need to return what you don't use.

mandksima

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 12:05 am

Marion wrote:

Return what isn't necessary and save the extra money for Rosh Hashana dresses.

Unless mil is planning another gift at that time??

Will mil see the children during the chag and ask to see what her money bought? Will she not be pleased to know you didn't spend all of it? It sort of sounds as if the gift has some strings attached and you should find out exactly which ones if you'd like to recieve more gifts like this in the future. Maybe ask mill what she thinks you should do. If she says keep the dresses, I'll help you out when RH comes, so be it. If she lives far away and won't know the difference, save the money and return the extras. That is worth it for your shalom bayis - obviously your dh is feeling more financial stress than you right now and it would make him feel better.

Ha, Liba, just read what you wrote - we think alike!

merelyme

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 12:16 am

I think it depends.
First, it depends on how much the dresses cost.
Second, it depends on how much you need the money you'd get back. (You'd get back money, right, and not a store credit?)
What would you do with that money?
Is the money you spent really lechavod Yom Tov? (Honest answer, please!) If yes, then it costs you nothing.
Personally, I love how little girls look in matching outfits, and there's a lot of Yom Tov and Shabbos coming up. But another factor to take into account is how your dh feels.

amother

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 5:47 am

Op here.

My mil usually gives us money to buy my kids yom tov clothing before rosh hashama and pesach (I say usually because only once or twice she hasn't). She won't be with us for yom tov at all, but she'll see more kids for at least a few shabbosim after, but I don't think she'll necessarily know the difference between the new outfits and the hand-me-downs, although she knows that I usually try to match all of my kids (especially my girls), so she may wonder.

The difference in what I spent and what I should have spent is probably about $150, which I know is a lot of money for clothes, although it covers 3 "extra" outfits. For some reason, this time my mil gave us more money than she usually does, and even without returning the outfits, we have some money from the gift left over although my dh is always afraid that the "well will dry up" so to speak. He wants to "dog-ear" the extra money for clothes for the kids for the future, although in our financial situation, nothing can really get dog-eared since we basically make the amount that supports us, and any extras end up going to pay-off debt that we accrued (during a particularly difficult financial time). We're barely saving (if at all) so I know that come rosh hashana time, that money will most likely be gone and we'll feel stressed about buying clothes for the kids if my mil doesn't give us, and we won't feel like we have half of the gift left over to spend.

DH and I are both financially stressed (although my dh always seems to feel it more) and any extra money would go right towards food and bills (probably for the extra expenses for pesach).

shoshina

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 6:45 am

OP, I don't know what your daughters are like about clothes, but also weigh how heartbroken they will be if instead of two new outfits they only have one after having already HAD the second. I wore a lot of hand-me-downs as the youngest girl, but I did always love to have my own new dresses for Yom Tov...it means a lot to a younger girl because she will probably never be the one who gets two dresses again

DovDov

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 7:03 am

This is the best time of year to shop for girls' clothing at a thrift store. I went into one the other day looking for rainboots and came out with an armful of gorgeous barely worn dresses for my nieces -- I don't even have any girls! But $4 for a brand-new looking Shabbos dress? The girls don't need to know where they came from -- they just know they have clothing that's new for them.

Liba

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 7:23 am

I would keep them or bring them back for a credit to be used before yom tov. Your MIL did not say that the money was for thrift shop dresses, she said it was for clothing from that particular store.

I had a grandmother who gave money to each family for yom tov expenses. Most families got based on the number of children they had, and some got nothing because she didn't think they were responsible with their money.

You may think your MIL won't notice, but is it worth upsetting her without knowing it and stopped the gifts in the future? It did come with strings attached, not for bills or day to day expenses and the more I think about it, the more I think that it is probably best to respect her and do just that.

shoshina

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 7:43 am

Oh, I also just realized that if you bought all of the girls two dresses, you basically have Shabbos dresses and more hand me downs for the year, total, so rather than "earmarking" the money for your childrens clothes, you have invested in their wardrobe for the year. I especially like spring-weight dresses because they are good to layer through fall.