DH wants to "pick" the name again!!!

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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amother

Thu, May 05 2011, 3:29 pm

I come from a big family and have a bunch of married siblings and all our grandparents have at least one person named after them. DH comes from a small family and is the only one married.
I was going to get to name the first, but his father passed away when I was pregnant so when it was a boy we named after his father. (Not upset about that I know it was the right thing to do.) Our second was born during the week of his grandmother's 3rd yarzehiut so we named dd after her (dh convinced me because she had no one named after her yet and it was her yarzehiut.)
But now I really want to name from my side. I think it would honor my family and I really want to do that. DH still has a grandmother and a grandfather he wants to name after and since all my grandparents are named after by now he really wants to use one of their names. I'm just so upset because if we hadn't named after his side there would have been names on mine that weren't used yet so what's the big deal now??

life'sgreat

Thu, May 05 2011, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

Honestly, I think at this point he's being a bit selfish. It doesn't make a difference if he still has grandparents etc... Hopefully his siblings will get married and have kids as well. And if you have more kids, he'll have another chance. I think it's normal for you to want to name after your own grandparents. Especially if you knew them and have memories of them.

chocolate moose

Thu, May 05 2011, 3:51 pm

OP may just have to bite the bullet. Different things mean different things to different people.

Like by us, dh insists on being in charge of the art on the walls, the linens, and the stuff on display on the shelves. At some point, it doesn't pay to fight anymore, or be right another time; you both want to be happy.

MaBelleVie

Thu, May 05 2011, 3:55 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

I agree. It's not all about who is named after and who isn't- it's about what name the two of you want for your child. If you can't come to an agreement, I strongly recommend talking to a Rav. They get these questions all the time.

Chayalle

Thu, May 05 2011, 4:01 pm

ITA - unless it's for a parent, I think it's fair to take turns. I think you've been more than patient in giving him his chance.

My DD is named for DH's mother, so even though it was my "turn" it never entered my mind to choose any other name. But I WAS touched when DH asked me if it's okay.

Recently his grandmother passed away, and mine BE"H should live to 120....but next time BE"H will be my turn. I would be the one carrying the child for 9 months, and I don't feel a bit selfish!

PinkFridge

Thu, May 05 2011, 4:26 pm

I agree with talking to a rav. It's good to come up with some sort of policy. I decided to honor my FIL's preference and use the most recent available names. We started off with a girl, obviously for my mother; a boy would have been for my husband's grandfather who had been niftar not long before. Turned out we were fairly weighted on my side for a while, now it's even.
Having that policy was very helpful.
I should add that I do feel that parents have a degree of ruach hakodesh and have every right to decide on a name and policy for themselves.

Merrymom

Thu, May 05 2011, 4:51 pm

Why would you deny your dh an opportunity to name after his grandparents? That's a very meaningful relationship to a person and probably holds alot of memories for him. This whole his and hers thing is ridiculous imnho (in my not humble opinion Wink

). Do you like the name or not?

life'sgreat

Thu, May 05 2011, 4:59 pm

Merrymom wrote:

). Do you like the name or not?

Um, why would her husband deny the opportunity of naming after her grandparents?

chocolate moose

Thu, May 05 2011, 5:06 pm

I think that sometimes you can choose to be RIGHT,and sometimes you have to choose to be HAPPY.

Marion

Thu, May 05 2011, 5:09 pm

Just because a name is given doesn't mean it can't be used again...

DH's grandfather was niftar fairly young. Every one of his 4 children gave some form or derivative of the name to one of their children. My FIL was niftar two and a half years ago. 3 male babies (grandchildren) were born in the immediate family last summer; all of them carry at least one of his names. An additional baby boy (a great-nephew), whose bris should have been during the shiva, carries a derivative, and a baby girl (granddaughter, born on the shloshim) carries a name that her parents say was chosen because it was his strongest middah.

DH's two great-grandmothers had the same name. So none of his siblings carry that name (because one was still living when they were all born) although one of his cousins does. And now one of our nieces does too. But it is our girl name, if we ever have a girl...it was my grandmother's name as well.

This business of not giving a name because it's already been used sounds kind of "non jewish" to me. And I don't say such things lightly.

(For the record, DS#1 is named for my grandfather and DH's great-uncle, and we use both names. DS#2 is named partially for one of my great-uncles. And DS#3 is named partially for my FIL and my great-grandfather happened to have had the same name.)

MaBelleVie

Thu, May 05 2011, 5:15 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

I think that sometimes you can choose to be RIGHT,and sometimes you have to choose to be HAPPY.

This is true, and many people get caught up in the nitty gritty and forget about being happy. However, OP is stating that she would NOT be happy giving in. This is a big deal to her; it's not about where the new coffee table will look best- it's about honoring family members, and choosing names for children. She's not trying to be right. She's trying to be happy.

Merrymom

Thu, May 05 2011, 5:17 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

). Do you like the name or not?

Um, why would her husband deny the opportunity of naming after her grandparents?

I'm sure you know that it's a big zechus for the neshama, her grandparents already have children that were named after them, his side doesn't.

amother

Thu, May 05 2011, 7:24 pm

Isn't what's important that the people who were niftar have names? It represents continuity as well as being a zchus for the neshama. I wouldn't get caught up in whose side gets more names, but rather making sure that those who have gone to the other world will have namesakes.

realeez

Thu, May 05 2011, 9:26 pm

amother wrote:

While you may have a valid point, I think you are looking at things the wrong way. To me, this whole "taking turns" thing sounds like what I have my kids do when there aren't enough swings at the park and should not be used in a normal marriage. The most important part of marriage is communication. Communicate to your husband the importance of naming after your grandparent - not to honour your family or that you get the next 2 because, hey, he got the first 2- but because you have beautiful memories of that grandparent or s/he exemplified the middah of X which meant a lot to you and you would love to have a connection by naming a child after him/her. Hatzlacha & Bshaah Tova!

Mamushka

Fri, May 06 2011, 1:25 am

how about giving two names. One from your side one from his side.

acccdac

Fri, May 06 2011, 2:20 am

All 3 of my kids are named after my side, my dh and I decided together and agreed on all 3 name.

I dont want to post my whole life story on here but if you want to hear it feel free to PM me and I'll tell it to you.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, May 06 2011, 2:28 am

Mamushka wrote:

how about giving two names. One from your side one from his side.

This sounds like a GREAT compromise.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, May 06 2011, 2:36 am

chocolate moose wrote:

I think that sometimes you can choose to be RIGHT,and sometimes you have to choose to be HAPPY.

drumjj

Fri, May 06 2011, 7:04 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Mamushka wrote:

how about giving two names. One from your side one from his side.

This sounds like a GREAT compromise.

ive heard that you have to be careful when naming after two different ppl.

Mirabelle

Fri, May 06 2011, 7:27 am

In my family it's very common to name after two different people.
I myself am named after 2 different grandmothers from each side.

Out of my 3 kids, 2 are named after 2 different people each.

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