Will my kids turn out OK if I...

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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QT26

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 12:07 pm

My husband and I are trying to make a very important decision.
I am of the opinion that a mother should not work outside the home, or at least only work mornings. I am against sending babies to day care before age 2.
My husband doesn't really have an opinion on the matter, but he sees that I'm having a very hard time working only half day. And it's true. I have absolutely no patience. I come home from work at 1 pm and I can't wait till the kids bedtime.

Now, what we're tying to decide is the following:

I can work full time and have the kids in day-care/school till around 4 pm (which is Israel is a hassle, but I guess doable). I don't like the idea of leaving my baby with somoeone else for that long, but if I decided that it's the right thing to do, then I guess I would be ok

OR

Continue working half day but have fewer kids (even maybe stop for a LONG while). This way, there will be less kids to have patience for and I could handle working mornings only.

Basically the question is: Should we invest our heart and soul in a small number of kids and raise them the way we think they should be raised or should we change our parenting style (possibly to the worse) in order to be able to have a big family?
What's more important?

momofgirls

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 12:23 pm

I think you should probably disucss this with someone smarter then all of us. Personally I would say & this is my opinion, less children that you can give your all to.

chocolate moose

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 12:32 pm

It's take a very very hard question to answer. You could try it and see how it goes.

Bottom line is, most day care places are relatively clean and loving and no, I don't think your kids will suffer b/c of it.

de_goldy

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 12:48 pm

Maybe learn to enjoy spending time with your own children.

chavamom

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 12:53 pm

I'm confused. You think that the working 1/2 day is causing you to have less patience with your kids? Or you think you could handle more if someone else is raising them (the daycare option)?

QT26

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 1:00 pm

de_goldy:
I was never a "kids-person", forget a "baby-person". I love my kids, but I don't enjoy the toddler and baby stages too much.
I really tried my very best to enjoy playing in the park with them. But if another mom isn't with me, I pretty much hate it.
Other than that, I have no patience for the terrible twos stage, for the potty training, for having to to take away baby from toddler so baby won't get killed, for having to interrupt "special time" with toddler because baby is crying again...
Of course there are many happy moments too - I don't have to list them cuz every mother knows what they are.
But overall...

SaraG:
in Israel, school ends at 1pm for every child under age 8 (I'm pretty sure). After that, you have to break your head. Most day cares I've seen in my neighborhood are not so great. And I can't go out of my neighborhood cuz we don't have a car. The only places that have day-care after 1pm are the "mizrachi" ones - and we're more on the chareidi side, so it wouldn't be a good match.
Most mothers that work after 1 pm have some kind of help (husband, grandmother, sister, etc) for the afternoon, which I don't have at all.

ceo

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 1:05 pm

I really don't think it is wise to get advice on such a serious topic from a bunch of anonymous people on the internet. You and your husband need to sit down with a Rav and have a serious discussion. Do yourself a favor and speak this out with someone who knows you and your family.

amother

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 2:20 pm

Quote:

Bottom line is, most day care places are relatively clean and loving and no, I don't think your kids will suffer b/c of it.

not the ones ive seen! shock

withhumor

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 3:13 pm

My baby is so active K”H that even when she is home, I have a difficult time focusing on mommy-baby time. She runs all over the place and is hard to entertain. Personally, I find that they love going away and love coming home.

gryp

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 3:49 pm

QT26- I truly wonder at the choices you limit yourself with.
either work full time and ship off your kids or limit your family size?

I think de goldy hit the nail on the head. you need to learn how to enjoy spending time with your children.
it doesnt matter that you never were a kids person. this is something mothers (and fathers too!) need to learn from scratch, even when theyve been around kids their whole life (because its very different when its your own kids). its hard, its tough, but its gotta happen.
it's okay that you dont have enough patience, patience is something Thank G-d Exclamation

that can be learned.

I will risk whatever wrath comes my way by saying bluntly that any kids whose parents do not enjoy spending time with them will not turn out okay. because the kids will end up looking elsewhere for people who do enjoy spending time with them. sometimes "elsewhere" means within the boundaries of the life we wish for them, and sometimes "elsewhere" means beyond those boundaries.
I hope that answers your original question.

as for how to learn how to enjoy spending time with one's own children, a few things have to be in place in order for this to happen:
1) a daily schedule including: things you need to get done around the house during the day, outings with the kids, regular naps for the kids at home so they dont get cranky and out of control, meals ready on-time for yourself and for the kids so no one is starving and cranky.
2) time for yourself to work on a favorite hobby, do something for yourself, go on a shopping trip by yourself with no kids, etc.

chocolate moose

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 4:42 pm

I forget where I heard it, but I was told (and it works WELL) that you have to pretend like you are a camp counselor. That you like kids and want to show them a good time.

Liking babies and little kids doesn't come naturally to everyone. I am sure you love your kids, but liking them takes work........

QT26

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 4:46 pm

GR - Sorry, I disagree. My mom's friend always told me that she hated staying home with her kids - especially the baby and toddler stage. But she was just great when they were teenagers. And her kids all turned out just fine.
I've got the daily schedule down pat - trust me, my kids and I thrive on schedules. I play games with them. I read to them. I tell them "I love you" a hundred times a day and often ask them "can I hold you for a little?". My son often comes over to me, gives me a hug, and tells me "I love you mommy". They know I like them. But I think that if I maybe spent less time with them, then I would enjoy myself the WHOLE time I'm with them instead of only part of the time I'm with them. Makes sense?
However, when I think of being away for so long, I think that they will be much worse off. Being shipped off from morning Gan to afternoon day-care is not something (I think) kids enjoy.
That's why we're seriously thinking of taking a long break before our next kid. I can do this for a few more years, but for 20 more years? I'll go crazy!

Tefila

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 4:48 pm

Quote:

think de goldy hit the nail on the head. you need to learn how to enjoy spending time with your children.
it doesnt matter that you never were a kids person. this is something mothers (and fathers too!) need to learn from scratch, even when theyve been around kids their whole life (because its very different when its your own kids). its hard, its tough, but its gotta happen.
it's okay that you dont have enough patience, patience is something Thank G-d that can be learned.

Yes I agree if one can aim to make it a priority it will become one Tongue Out

Sarag I have never heard the counselor part what I have heard is the teacher part, perhaps there is a English and a U.s version Very Happy

QT26

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 4:49 pm

SaraG - pretend is good for some time - but how long can it last? Every day, for a whole week, for a whole year, for many many years? I don't think so

Tefila

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 4:51 pm

Quote:

SaraG - pretend is good for some time - but how long can it last?

The idea I think is that eventually it will b/com part and par of you once you pretend long enuf LOL

gryp

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 5:11 pm

Quote:

My mom's friend always told me that she hated staying home with her kids - especially the baby and toddler stage.

did she stay home full time? or she hated the time that she did spend with them?

Quote:

But she was just great when they were teenagers. And her kids all turned out just fine.

I'm glad for her, but it's extremely difficult to take a child you havent enjoyed spending time with for the first 10 years of his life and suddenly have a fantastic relationship.
and there are probably plenty of different levels of how impatient one is with their kids and how much one hates spending time with them.
I dont think any of us would want to have a mother who waits for our bedtime every single day while she spends time with us. I understand its tough, and I find myself doing that sometimes too, and when I do I catch myself at it and go play some kind of game with them.

Quote:

I've got the daily schedule down pat - trust me, my kids and I thrive on schedules. I play games with them. I read to them. I tell them "I love you" a hundred times a day and often ask them "can I hold you for a little?". My son often comes over to me, gives me a hug, and tells me "I love you mommy". They know I like them.

sounds good.
I'm not sure what youre saying- you like them but you dont like to spend time with them?

Quote:

But I think that if I maybe spent less time with them, then I would enjoy myself the WHOLE time I'm with them instead of only part of the time I'm with them. Makes sense?

it probably makes sense to the people who say they go to work in order to be a better mom so they could enjoy the rest of the day with their children.
but truthfully, it doesnt make sense to me, no.

Quote:

However, when I think of being away for so long, I think that they will be much worse off. Being shipped off from morning Gan to afternoon day-care is not something (I think) kids enjoy.

perhaps they enjoy the daily activities they are involved in, but no, I dont think babies who are in school from 9-5 can be possibly happy away from their parents and home for so long.

Quote:

I can do this for a few more years, but for 20 more years? I'll go crazy!

yes, anyone would with that attitude, no matter what they were doing. I've learned that what counts is today and tomorrow and maybe next week. but not even next month because things change, things come up unexpectedly, and we have no idea about our future. so to plan for that long might make us feel like we're in control over our own lives and be comforting, but that's about it.

and yes, once you get used to dealing with your own kids as if you are their teacher, it starts coming to you naturally. it is terrific advice.

chocolate moose

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 5:23 pm

Maybe you could use a mother's helper in the afternoons, or when you are home, is that feasible?

And if not every day, then twice a week or some such?

QT26

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 5:41 pm

GR - I think that you can't relate to my situation. The advice you give sounds like stuff that comes naturally to you and nothing too practical.
I am a super-organized person and my whole life I've been planning the future and with Hashem's help all that planning as paid off.
Since I've had my first baby I've been told to take it one day at a time, but guess what? A few years later, it's still not working for me.
Maybe I'm a very bad case with no precedents. Whatever the case, your advice doesn't work for me.

SaraG - not in our budget for now

I think "Momofgirls" and "ceo" are right when they said that I should discuss this with someone more experienced, cuz frankly, this thread has only made me feel worse - as if I'm the only one on the planet to feel this way

chavamom

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 5:57 pm

No, I think you are not the only one that felt this way. I would venture to say that MANY women feel this way. Why not? When you go out to work, you feel sucessful, your tasks are clear (usually), you get positive feedback for a job well-done, you get to get dressed up, you get to socialize with other adults....

Can you tell that I once felt as you do?

I could tell you what I did that helped, but that's not how you phrased the question. You gave two options - work a full day and have lots of kids (and let me tell you, that option gets very stressful the more kids you have....) OR few kids and work 1/2 day.

cindy324

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 6:05 pm

I think( actually I'm sure) that there are some women who just don't enjoy being a mother as much as they thought they would. Just because that's the way it's supposed to be, doesn't mean it happens that way in reality. I could certainly see your point QT. I am also not the type who has infinite patience or (desire) to play with my kids all day. And yes, I am glad when bedtime rolls around. It means having some peace and quiet, and most of all time for myself. You can call me selfish, whatever, but this is me and it's not going to change.

Quote:

They know I like them. But I think that if I maybe spent less time with them, then I would enjoy myself the WHOLE time I'm with them instead of only part of the time I'm with them. Makes sense?

Makes perfect sense to me. Like I said some of us need some time away in order to be better parents. If that is what it takes, then that is what it takes. when mom's happy, the children usually are, too.

Quote:

That's why we're seriously thinking of taking a long break before our next kid. I can do this for a few more years, but for 20 more years? I'll go crazy!

Then do it. If that is the way you feel then why not ? The most important thing right now is to take care of the kids you have NOW. If having more kids will make you miserable then obviously taking a break is a good idea*

*Disclaimer: after consulting your LOR, before all the anti BC advocates jump on me!

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