What is expected of sleepover guests?

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2011, 7:02 pm

I see a lot of posts about people who are disappointed in their guests' behavior, and I don't want to be the rude one. So I'd like to know what's expected in the following situation:

We are a still-kinda-newlywed couple, husband in kollel with no outside support, just about making it on our own but it isn't easy. My ILs live in a different city. They like us to visit as often as possible, but it's quite a shlep for us - we used to try for about once a month, since a little before our first baby was born it's been more like every other month. They don't have room for us to sleep in their house so they put us up by various neighbors to sleep. Sometimes the people have gone away for Shabbos and are lending us their room, often it's a family that anyway has a basement guest suite of sorts. Once or twice we were asked to bring our own linens but usually they provide made beds. Once or twice especially gracious hosts also put out drinks and cups and a little nosh. We generally don't see much of our hosts if at all. We come and go quietly and leave everything as we found it, neat and clean.

Are we expected to bring a gift to the people whose house we're sleeping in, or is verbal/written thanks enough?

zaq

Sun, Jun 19 2011, 7:30 pm

A token gift of some sort is appropriate. I'd stick to consumables like a bottle of wine or a nice havdalah candle or package of dried fruits rather than a chochke that will end up being given to a thrift shop.

On rereading your post, I see the people are really doing your ILs the favor making it possible for you to see them. In that case, it's your ls who should supply the gift. Are you sure they're not doing so?

JewishMother18

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 12:32 am

zaq wrote:

I see the people are really doing your ILs the favor making it possible for you to see them. In that case, it's your ls who should supply the gift. Are you sure they're not doing so?

I think regardless of who's doing who the favour it's you who's sleeping there so it should be you who brings the gift. If your ILs feel that they should also buy a gift that's their prerogative but shouldn't be in place of you bringing one.

It doesn't have to be expensive but shows how appreciate you are, especially if they are providing bedding (which you're leaving them to launder) and kibud.

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 1:04 pm

OP here. Thanks for your input. I'm seeing perspectives from both sides. Those who think a small gift is in order, what would you suggest?

And I forgot to mention in the first post, going is a pretty big tircha for us in the first place, especially now with baby on board. It's a couple of hours of driving and a couple of tolls each way, besides for the packing and shlepping and getting back late MS messing up our next morning... So I'm not so inclined to add another piece to the cheshbon but otoh don't want to be ungrateful takers.

I was thinking maybe we could just show our appreciation to repeat hosts once a year or something? A couple of people have had us more than once and one in particular was very gracious when we accidentally inconvenienced them a couple of times (long story...!)

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 1:19 pm

As someone who hosts people for shabbosim quite often, I have to say I do NOT expect a gift if a family (or singles) are just sleeping at our house. If they eat meals by us, I sort of expect a gift but wouldn't be upset if they brought nothing. But just for sleeping - I have been actually surprised the couple of times someone gave us a gift in such a set up.

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 1:34 pm

SV wrote:

we host quite often also, both sleeping and for meals, and I in no way expect anything from my guests.

ray family

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 1:51 pm

I dont know if it makes a diff. we live in Israel. I never expect anything from my guests- whether they're just sleepover or if they're eating w/ us as well.

as for us- we're on a VERY tight budget. if we're going to close friends they know our situation- so we dont bring.
pple who we've gone to a few times- we also dont bring.
only once have we had s/o host us for sleeping- then we brought s/t small

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 2:14 pm

It's funny - I host people alot (I have a guest room in a private area) and I don't expect a gift. In fact, most of the time people give me gifts and I think it's a pity and a waste of money (just how many trinkets do you think I need? And I don't expect anyone to stock our years supply of chocolate and candy.) I'd much rather have the mitzvah, and the relationship with my neighbors.

However when I'm the guest I always give a gift, since I don't want anyone to think me ungrateful.

Fox

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 2:29 pm

There was another recent thread about how much people spend on gifts -- presumably with the idea of reducing such spending for those of us who have financial constraints.

I totally agree that many "hostess gifts" are basically ways of saying, "Just so you know I'm not selfish . . . " Since often the guest doesn't know me, he/she has no idea of what might be appropriate or appreciated. I have mixed feelings about these gifts. I do appreciate the thought, but they often go right into the junk drawer.

Here are a couple of ideas based on your budget, time, and creativity:

* Go to a dollar store or similar discounter from time to time and stock up on inexpensive things like hand towels, dish towels, potholders, or pretty sponges. Tie them with a pretty ribbon or something similar to enhance their aesthetic appeal. People always need more of these, in my experience.

* Buy or order cloth drawstring bags designed for mints at weddings. Make your own besamim and fill. This is nice but disposable.

* If you repeatedly stay with the same hosts, be sure to notice color schemes, etc. Purchase a gift every few visits that corresponds -- e.g., fancy soap that matches the bathroom decor, etc.

I really believe that a downright cheap gift that reflects attention and thought is far more appreciated than an expensive gift that is generic. Obviously, you can't know exactly what is needed in advance wherever you go, but I personally always prefer a useful gift in such circumstances rather than a simply decorative one.

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 2:30 pm

ray family wrote:

I dont know if it makes a diff. we live in Israel.

It probably does make a difference, at least according to similar threads on Imamother.

I'm in the US, and would not go to someone's house for a meal or to sleep without expressing my appreciation with a note or small gift such as a candy platter, and would be very surprised if my guests did not do the same - not because it's so important to me, but because it is considered basic etiquette here.

I also don't like to accumulate little trinkets, and don't give them as gifts.

A note is all that is necessary. There is no need to feel financial hardship for something like this. If you stay with the same family frequently, the setup becomes less formal and I would say there is no need to send a note every time. Of course you will thank them in person. If you would like to give a gift (such as a potted plant, for example) once a year or so, that would be nice, but not required.

Kayza

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 8:34 pm

amother wrote:

And I forgot to mention in the first post, going is a pretty big tircha for us in the first place, especially now with baby on board. It's a couple of hours of driving and a couple of tolls each way, besides for the packing and shlepping and getting back late MS messing up our next morning

That's not relevant - the hosts are doing you a favor.

I don't know that you need to bring a gift if you are just sleeping there, and are spending the day elsewhere. But, surely your cheshbon with your ILs is not relevant here.

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 8:59 pm

amother wrote:

SV wrote:

we host quite often also, both sleeping and for meals, and I in no way expect anything from my guests.

Maybe I wasn't clear. When I said I "expect" a gift I didn't mean that I do it to get a gift, or get upset at people when they don't get us one (or consider them selfish). It's just that in my experience 99% of people we've hosted for meals brought a gift along. So I've come to expect that most people will bring a gift. Hope that's clearer.

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 9:03 pm

You should definitely write a thank you card. I have hosted for several families in my neighborhood and they would send me their guests and I would never get any sort of thank you gift or a note of appreciation from them or their guests. Some of them asked for the basement numerous times. After a while I felt like I was being used and I started saying no. As a hostess I have my cleaning lady clean the guest room and bathroom before the guests come and after they leave. A letter of appreciation I think is deserved from a kollel couple or from a wealthy couple. The worst guests are the ones that just walk in and out of your house the whole day after you give them your code to the combination lock without knocking. And then sneak out motzei shabbos without saying thank you and notifying us they left.

lamplighter

Mon, Jun 20 2011, 9:14 pm

I think a gift is in order. A bottle of wine or flowers are fail proof. If you are struggling financially then a thank you card suffices.
Personally, I think that your IL's should send a gift and you should leave a card. You are not asking to be hosted there- they are doing your IL's a favor in this case. Do you know that your IL's don't send them a gift? Maybe this is something for you (or better yet DH) to discuss with your ILs.
At the minimum, nice cards for once off hosts and gifts for repeat hosts.