Help me feel good about working

amother

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 4:28 pm

DH and I are having serious money trouble. (think empty pantry)
We had agreed before marriage that I would be a stay at home mother (I worked for 8 years before we married and I knew I wanted to stay home.)

Now I HAVE to work.
I resent that we are in this situation because I think (read: KNOW) dh could put in more of an effort.

I will be starting a full time job in a month. I am NOT in any way looking forward to it. We have a 6 month old baby and I never wanted to work with such a young baby in the house especially when I know dh is capable of more. But he is depressed and isn't putting himself out there as they say...and I am too angry and down about our very poor living standard at the moment that I just can't build him up since I am fuming. If I knew he would do this to us I would have been on birth control.

Now we have this absolutely precious baby and I have to leave her with someone else?! In a nursery school with someone I don't know! (no other option).

Please help me see the silver lining other than the money. I really really want to bf as long as possible etc...I am very natural parenting minded and I have done the whole job scene and as successful as I was in it I absolutely hated it.

I know there is a whole community of women who enjoy working and thrive from it...please help me feel better about the whole thing so I can ease up on my resentment.

thanks.

amother

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 4:57 pm

I could have written this post, just my baby is 2.5 instead of 6 months. I do not think anyone can change your mind and make you feel good about working... There are definite benefits- like having money coming in (!!), seeing people, making new friends and being stimulated mentally. Of course, you are also giving up a lot for these 'rewards'.
It really is hard when DH is depressed. My DH is totally depressed too from not working and I also cant seem to find the right words to say cause I am so resentful. I was praying for my DH to get a job before I found one, but it hasnt wrked out that way at all unfortunately; I will sya, though, that one thing I am not worried about is having DC in school- I think they will really really benefit from it, and have a ton of fun that I know I cannot provide, esp without having a steady job.

My advice to you- do as much as you can on Sundays. Plan really fun day trips, dinners etc with your money form working. You have to make sure you are in the right mental mindframe for this job, because, in my personal experience, I started a job when I was not mentally ready and suffered everyday from it and ended up getting fired after just 2 weeks!

Sending you lots of Hug

amother

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 4:57 pm

ora_43

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 5:04 pm

It's nice to give a baby breastfeeding when possible, and home care when possible.

But it's much more important to give a baby food and healthcare. And it's also more important, whenever possible, to give a child two parents who love each other and can demonstrate a healthy happy marriage. And to give a child a father.

So maybe it would help to think of it that way - your dh may be failing to give your child some of what you wanted for her, like a SAHM, but on the other hand he's also the only one who can give her some very important things. And you might not be able to do what you'd dreamed of for your daughter, but what you are doing is giving her what she most needs.

shoshina

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 5:20 pm

Oh OP I'm sorry to hear about this. It's especially difficult when it wasn't "the deal" and six months is so young. So, first and foremost, my sympathy and lots of *HUGS*

Now. Firstly, if DH isn't working, why isn't he home with the baby? That might be preferable to having her in daycare with a stranger. Secondly, you need the opportunity to tell DH honestly that you feel like you're not getting what you were promised and that makes you feel less eager about working. After you have told him that, though, you can't go on about it forever.

Benefits of working: 1. all the benefits of eating, having a home, having nice things etc 2. you will make more friends and have a better social life 3. you will show your growing baby that Ima is a strong woman who can provide for her family 4. You will learn something! 5. You will be able to give to charity eventually. Think about the difference it will make in someones life (BIG difference when you think of people with no food) that your working will make

ElTam

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 5:33 pm

First, there is no way to know for sure if DH isn't putting in enough effort. This economy is VERY, VERY difficult. It definitely isn't going to help your shalom bayis if you blame DH. Besides, parnassah is all from HaShem.

Other than that, I can only wish you hatzlacha. It is a very hard situation, but you are doing the right thing. You have to take care of your family, whether that is in the financial sense or physically.

Do you have a good pump? There is no reason why you can't pump for while the baby at nursery and then still nurse at home in the evenings and on weekends.

ElTam

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 5:38 pm

Just thinking outside the box...

Is there something you could do to get you back in a place of being a SAHM? Or at least a partially SAHM? I really wanted to be a SAHM, but with DH's income, it just isn't possible totally. Here's what we did.

1. we moved to a very inexpensive community.
2. we do without a lot of stuff. (Today for example, it is burning up hot and we only have AC units in two rooms. On one and a little--see next line--central air and the electric bill that goes with it would mean no food budget.)
3. I work part-time (sundays/evenings). It is hard because I miss time with DH, but one of us is with the kids. Could you do something that lets you stay home? I have friends who take in kids for babysitting. It is very hard work, but it is enough money that they can stay home.

Don't know if any of this would work in your situation, but I wanted to throw it out there.

gonewiththewind

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 8:17 pm

I think almost everyone that works has some level of struggle with it. Yes, many of us working moms would rather be independently wealthy instead of groaning at the alarm in the morning at dragging ourselves to work. I think the only answer is to work on your attitude. I am not saying it is easy, and I am talking to myself as much as anyone else, as I have to give myself pep talks too. Yes, it is hard to leave baby, but try to think instead of the big bracha you have in your gorgeous baby. And many people would love to have a job to help pay the bills. And while you may feel he is not trying hard enough, he is trying and is not wasting your money on alcohol or drug addictions, and he is not divorcing you and spending his money wooing a new woman. You think that doesn't happen?

One thing that bothered me is your saying that you agreed at the beginning you would stay home. Over two decades ago, I also made some agreements with my husband before we were married, and now I laugh at how silly that was. No, not all "agreements" ended up being kept, because how silly was it to think we could now what twists and turns life would take and what we would be able to do or not do. Man plans and G-d laughs the saying goes. There are no guarantees.

Try to think of yourself as superwoman, providing for your baby, coming to your husband's aid. doing it all. Being a working mom can be great for your self confidence.

As one wise woman once told me, the key is to accept what must be with grace.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 8:36 pm

If it makes you feel better, I found that my lowest point was before I went back to work after maternity leave. I really could not come to terms with the fact that I was leaving my newborn with a stranger, and that I would miss most of his awake hours during the week. Once I got back into work, those feelings faded somewhat. I wouldn't classify myself as working full time by choice, but I don't hate every second of it either. I've even come to realize that my child benefits in some ways from having a third primary caregiver loving him and relating to him in her own way.

MeadowsLane

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 9:29 pm

I have three children, b"h and have worked full time after having each one. It was the most difficult to go back with dd #3. She is five months now and I was only home for 3 months. a part of me really resented my dh for not being more driven and getting a better education so that he could support us fully. My job provides benefits his did not. I also made more$. I realize though that the only reason I am so successful is because dh supports my career by helping out at home and with the kids. I am back to work now and dh is at home with our dd. B"h things are working out. Dh found some work to do from home and we are getting a steady income (add to that how much we are saving in child care it come out to almost what I make). I am breastfeeding my daughter exclusively and pumping several times at work. Thankfully, I have my own office and can shut the door. But I do have friends who used to pump in the restroom and were able to bf their babies well over a year. I do enjoy my work and find it very stimulating, but I still miss my kids like crazy. I hope that the work you found is something you like doing. It does get easier, its never ideal.

rachel6543

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 11:28 pm

I work fulltime and it wasn't easy to return to work after I had my baby (he's 3 years old now). As long as you have good day-care, your baby will be fine. My son started daycare at 3 months. He's 3 years old now and LOVES going to school. Also, it's definitely possible to continue to breastfeed. Just make sure you have a good pump (I have Medela) and take pump breaks at work. I pumped at work until my son was 12 months old and continued to nurse him evenings/weekends until 18 months when he weaned himself.

Some positives to try and focus on (found these on http://www.selfgrowth.com/arti......html):

"Babies need interaction with other children. It's never too early to start engaging your son in activities with other children, whether his own age, toddlers or older children. Learning to interact with other kids prepares your son for his first real school experience. Day care is a gentler environment, there are less rules and more flexibility than strict teachers may impose in school.

Children benefit from day care by learning self-control, how to get along with others, and how to share. They begin to learn all about friendship. Without day care, your daughter only knows you; you are her whole world. How scary would it be to get into school at age four or five and find out that Mom isn’t there with her? Children benefit from day care by expanding their world to include people other than their parents.

Separation anxiety will be lessened (or not an issue at all) when your child enters school if she’s been in day care. She’s already used to being away from you for some time during the day. She’s learned how to make new friends and can be content without your undivided attention. The transition from home to school is far less difficult for those who’ve experienced day care.

In addition to learning socialization skills, your son may also have the opportunity to learn some of the basics such as the alphabet and numbers, and he’s always increasing his vocabulary. This pre-preschool learning environment gives your child an understanding of what will be expected of him once he enters kindergarten. He learns to sit and listen, and is able to accept the information that will be thrust upon him in school. He learns the value of teamwork and to respect the opinions and emotions of others. Entering school for the first time is challenging for all children, but those who have been in day care benefit by already having exposure to a classroom-like environment."

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 11:51 pm

Can you stay at home, and take in other people's children while they are working, for money, instead? In-home day-care. With a job, you need nicer clothes, and have no time to cook cheaply. Transportation costs. Lunches out. Consider putting nicer or more business-y clothes on the DH; he may then do more. He may need sunlight, or vitamins, or dark curtains in the bedroom for a better sleep. Anger doesn't help. If you don't want to work with a young baby, just don't. Make sure to cook better, so there is something in it for him. Put soup in the slow cooker in the morning, and fill the house with the scent of baking bread. Parade the baby around in front of DH's friends, so he gets naches. He may get the point of what all this is about, and get busier. Fathers can get postpartum blues too.

amother

Wed, Jul 13 2011, 2:33 am

OP here

How do I know he isn't trying? Well because he has gotten job offers and he makes unreasonable excuses as to why he won't take them!!!! Not a day goes by that I don't cry because of this situation.

Socialization of the baby isn't a problem, she has older siblings at home when they come back from school.

We specifically discussed how we want me to be a stay at home mom so we can be more in control of how we want to raise our children. How do I know if the nursery doesn't leave her crying for long periods of time, what is their definition of long? etc.

The job I am starting has nothing to do with my field of expertise, in fact it is a very menial job (think janitorial) with absolutely no room for growth. I won't have a private room to pump...and what I mean by bf as long as possible, I meant exclusively. But I know the nursery will try to push solids already and I am not ok with it.

Some other things people posted here do apply and I will try to focus on them.

Oh and we live an extremely frugal lifestyle already. Second hand clothing, half off veggies that are headed for the garbage, only one tiny air conditioner and we live oot in a desert. Haven't had fish or fleish for Shabbos in a very long time...we do have bH chicken most Shabbosim though.

The baby can't stay home with dh, he is glued to the computer. She could cry for 15 minutes before he would realize it. Crying

amother

Wed, Jul 13 2011, 2:48 am

Op again

Oh, and therapy! Ha!
We have been in therapy for a year, no progress.

Many people keep suggesting on the board to everyone - go to therapy- I have been to many therapists over the years and all it is is someone that you pay to listen to you talk...and then they might try to get you to work through your feelings. It was totally worthless for me, I already over-analyze and know exactly why I feel the way I do. Therapy may work for others but for me it has not helped at all. But I do appreciate the good thoughts of the amother who suggested it, I know you mean well, which is comforting.

notshanarishona

Wed, Jul 13 2011, 4:51 am

In today's economy many families are unable to support there families on one salary and that could be even with DH best effort . To resent your husband for making you go to work after x amount of time is not so fair. Even if it his fault, I don't think saying we agreed to it 10 years ago when we dated is reasonable. Things change, a large family has a lot of needs, etc.. Maybe he has a reason for not putting in more effort. You didn't write if he is totally out of work or just not putting in his all. Assuming its the latter, maybe talk to him about y he is depressed- maybe he doesn't enjoy his job, has a nasty boss...

Being a stay at home mom is great but is a luxury for most. Unless your DH has a great job, it is very likely for things to be tight.

It is great that you got to stay home with older children but your kid will not be forever trauamatized from going to a babysitter at 7 months. If you are nervous about the bbysitter, research.. speak to other parents, go there a couple times, etc..
Obviosuly, even the best bbysitter can't give 100% attention to each kid every time they scream but as long as you find someone reliable, your ds will be fine.

shoshina

Wed, Jul 13 2011, 10:32 am

amother wrote:

THAT bit is unacceptable. If your financial situation is so dire that a SAHM needs to go to work, clearly paying someone to watch your child is not a reasonable expense if a parent is home. Glued to the computer is not an acceptable reason to not watch his own child, nor is it acceptable that his computer use cost you whatever a nursery does.