what is wrong with my kid?

Deborah

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 3:43 pm

hmmm I feel the need to reply and offer a few suggestions to you. I am a mother of 4 children. My eldest two both have special needs. My son 8, has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Aspergers and my daughter 7 was born with Downs syndrome. Both conditions have touched on ADHD in the past and subsequently are now in the process of outgrowing it without medication.

Attention deficit, is in my experience is a secondary problem that is a result of a difficulty that the child experiences whether at home or at school that affects their self esteem or confidence. This in turn causes them to establish behaviour and concentration problems that is solely a 'protective mechanism' that stops them from feeling like a failure or not good enough. Hey if you don't focus/concentrate or behave badly then you will feel less like a failure.
Most of the time children who display behaviours that are linked to ADHD need a great deal of one on one time with a parent, a great deal of emotional support and understanding to help them out of the predicament that they are in. Thus eliminating these 'ADHD' behaviours.

The behaviour that your son is displaying is negative behaviour that is very successful in attracting your attention. Albeit your attention is negative attention, but to him it is still attention. So the act of hitting, or hurting his younger sibling in itself (ignoring the laughter) is attracting your attention, that's problem number 1.

The laughter, problem number 2, represents his anxiety and nervousness in the situation. Have you ever heard of adults laughing hysterically when they hear that someone has died? Or seen adults at a funeral laughing? Laughter in these situations are the direct result of nervousness and an inability to react appropriately due to uncertainty.

Here you have a little boy, who wants his mother's attention, tries to attract it by hitting and hurting his younger sibling, gets his mother's attention (which is quite rightly negative) and is punished or rebuked and senses a great deal of dislike and disapproval from his mother.

As mother's we are all aware of the issues that can arise regarding 'new babies' and how other siblings feel. Sometimes that takes a long time to dissipate and sometimes it never really does.

What you want is for him to be able to seek your attention in a positive way and for him not to feel that his is not approved of nor 'good enough'. It is very very easy for children to feel they are 'not good enough'.

Here are my suggestions to you.

Whatever negative feelings you have towards your son - that enable you to write 'what is wrong with my kid?' (I must add, beliiieve you me I totally get why you wrote it!) you must rid you mind of them. Look at him for what he is...a young child, who is learning how to behave and who desperately needs his mother to support him and guide him through it, but has no idea how to ask or express himself in a reasonable manner.

Take your anger and frustrations out of the equation.

Make a plan that you and your husband are going to stick to together to back each other up so that your son knows that if this behaviour happens again there is only one way this is going to be handled.

Sit down with your son - preferably before bedtime. I'm sure you are mad busy but make the time - he needs your time. Have no one else in the room - just you and him. Sit on his bed next to him and tell him that you have something very important that you would like to discuss with him.

(Keep your sentences short and simple and give him time to answer your questions).

Ask him if he is ready and listening (wait for his answer). Explain it is very important for you that he understands what you are saying and that he is allowed to ask whatever questions he wants when you are finished. Ask him if he understands that.

Tell him you have a problem. Something is upsetting you and daddy and you would like his help to make it better. Ask him if he would be prepared to help you. (when he says yes you reply by saying thank you, that means a lot to you).

Ask him if he knows that you love him. (wait for his answer) Ask him if he knows how much you love him. Now make a joke with him and stretch your arms out and so this much, that much etc and giggle with him.

Now with a serious tone:

Then tell him how much you love him and how proud you are of him and be specific about things that he does at home that you think are special - gives lovely cuddles, helps you clear the table (whatever or however small it maybe mention it - just 2/3 examples.)

Then tell him 'but there is one thing I think WE need to work on...can you think what that might be?' is there something in our family or our house that makes you feel sad? (wait for an answer - he might just say it himself).
'Well there is something in our family that makes me sad...pause....When you hurt (name your younger son) or you kick him or make him cry it really hurts me. And you know, it hurts (name your younger son), it hurts daddy and I think, deep down, it hurts you too. That's right isn't it?'
(Wait for him to absorb what you've said).

Say to him 'can I ask you something?' (wait for his answer) do you think that (name your younger son) sounds funny when he cries? (not in an accusatory way just curiosity) (If he nods or says yes - tell him you think it is a funny noise isn't it (not that the fact that he is crying is funny but the noise is funny) - even if it's not show him you understand by going on his side. He will feel less 'naughty' and more understood.

You explain: But even though you may think it sounds funny, it's not nice to laugh at someone when they're hurt is it? (wait for his answer or nod).

Ask him, can you imagine if you fell and hurt yourself and I laughed at you? How do you think you would feel? Say 'I know if I was hurt and someone I loved laughed at me it would make me want to cry. Do you agree? (Wait for his answer) (if he doesn't answer believe me he's listening.)

Say that: ok, so this situation isn't very good is it. I don't feel very happy about it and you don't feel very happy about it either so I think we should change is so that everyone can feel better. Do you agree ? (wait for his answer).

So this is what I think should happen ok? And when I've suggested it, you can tell me what you think ok? (Wait for his nod).
(your voice must remain firm but calm)
If you hit, kick, hurt (name your younger son) in anyway I am going to take you to your bedroom immediately. You will be excluded from the rest of the family until I feel you are ready to join us again. In your room I will expect you to think about what you have done and only when you are ready to be calm and apologise to your brother and me, you will be able to do so.

Now, I know its hard for you and I know sometimes you just feel frustrated and you want to hit your brother. Is that true? (wait for a reaction or no reaction means just as much).

Do you want to tell me about it? pause, I understand that it is hard having a baby brother. Sometimes babies take up alot of their mummy's time.
Do you think that (name younger brother) takes up a bit too much of mummy's time? (wait as long as it takes - even put your hand out to hold his). He may not say anything. Just give him enough time to answer if he wants.

Then say, you know sweetie, I think maybe alot of my time has been spent with the baby and I think you and I need to spend some more time together having fun - what do you think? (he will probably nod to answer that one Smile

.
I would love to do that can we do that? What sort of things would you like to do with mummy - let him suggest and then you suggest and make this fun and giggly and exciting (and what ever you do implement what you decide with him).

Then go serious again, and say ok sweetie, so can you help me make this situation better with your brother? Can we work together? (wait for his answer - by now he will be more enthusiastic Smile

you say 'Ok so to make it easier for you...
Everyday, for the next week I am going to watch you and as I see you behaving and not hurting your brother you are going to get a star (on your chart which you will make for each day). At the end of the week if you have a lot of stars for everyday we are going to go together to the toy shop, I am going to give you xxx and you can buy yourself a special prize.

What do you think of that plan? Do you think we can try it together? Remember I'm here to help you and if you feel unhappy or frustrated you come straight to me and talk about it and I'll help you feel better. Let's really try our best together not to hit ok? Are we going to do this? (wait for nod)

Give him a big hug, settle him to bed and walk out.

The next day, remind him in the morning of the plan - be excited show him the chart and the stars and suggest a morning cuddle with his brother.

Every 15 minutes on the first morning you say oh, by the way, wow, look at you mr helper, what a great job you have been so kind to your brother by not hitting him - well done - give him a quick cuddle and reassurance - and a star.

If he gets to the end of the day when you give him stars - even if you had one bad experience both you and your husband must make the biggest fuss of him - as much negative fuss you give for bad behaviour you have to triple it for good behaviour.

If there is negative behaviour - don't use the star as a threat to prevent bad behaviour - it will only turn the plan sour and it has no positive effect whatsoever.

If he behaves badly without hesitation, without anger you pick him up and you put him in his room with the most amount of confidence in your action. Just that confidence will scare him. You put him in his room. And you kneel to eye level and you say firmly 'I have put you in your room as we discussed because it is unacceptable to hurt your brother in anyway. You are excluded from the family until you feel calm, understand what you have done and are ready to apologise. Walk out of the room and close the door.

If he laughs at you or pushes you = IGNORE all of it - he is only reverting back to the only way he knows how to get your attention - by ignoring it you are defeating the purpose of what he is used to doing and eventually it will stop and he will seek your attention through good behaviour because that is where he will get your attention!

When you go back - 7 minutes later. At eye level you say:
' Why did I have to put you in your room? (wait for a response)
'Do you think what you did to (xxx) was kind? (Wait for a response) Do you think it was nice? (Wait for a response).
I love you, but that behaviour is unacceptable to me and your brother do you understand?

Now, I would like you to say sorry to me (wait - may take a while) give him a calm, loving cuddle when he does.
And I want you to come downstairs and apologise to your brother - and give him a kiss.

- When that is done, get to eye level and hold his arms/shoulders and say:

(his name) I love you, and you are such a loving kind boy. I know it was hard and upsetting when you hit your brother, but I want to try again, can we try again? (wait for his response) You know, its only (look at the time) we have got a lot more time today to collect more stars ok? Lets try!

In the meantime, now make some special time to do something with him - straight away even if it's helping you cook dinner - as long as it's you and him it will take away his frustration on his brother and make him feel a million dollars.

I know I've written a megillah, but I do this everyday and it works. It's time consuming, it requires a great deal of patience but it means you will have a child who feels understood, supported and most of all loved and you can only go from there.

This may not work the first time and it will take at least 3-4 times of him being sent to his room but you stick to it like glue and you stay calm and collected - you will in turn teach him how to be calm and collected. And this negative behaviour will stop completely. I have experienced it and seen it with my own eyes.

I really hope I have been able to help you,

Best regards,
Deborah - please feel free to contact me if you need help.