Babysitter taking kids to her house

amother

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 1:18 pm

I work from home and have a babysitterfor a few hours during the day. I don't work during the summer, but we decided to keep the babysitter rather than doing camp for the kids. Anyway, a few weeks ago I realized that she was taking the kids to her house. One of my older kids, who til that point had been in school, went on the trip and told me after. They went in the house, and she gave them some peanuts. He said she made pasta, but my son said they couldn't have it since it wasn't kosher (She isn't Jewish).

I am really uncomfortable with her taking the kids to her house. It is really bothering me. I would just rather have her take the kids for a walk, and play here. Instead she is taking them to her house. She doesn't have little ones, so it's not babyproofed. I have no idea who her landlord is (he lives in a separate apartment in the house). For the summer, her kids are home (teenagers), so she is bringing my kids there more often.

I need to tell her I don't like it and don't want her to do it anymore. Or am I being too overprotective? Would you allow a babysitter to take your kids to her home? It's really making me nervous and uncomfortable.

How should I handle it?

Ima2NYM_LTR

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 1:22 pm

I think you should listen to your gut. Approach it delicately though, since it sounds like shes been doing it a while and might think you were ok with it. Dont approach it as a criticism, more as a redefining boundaries. Start off with the things you like about her work and then bring this in. Let her be a partner in the conversation and make sure you are both on the same page

MaBelleVie

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 1:32 pm

I would come down very strongly about this. First, how can she do this without asking first if its ok? My nannies all know that if they want to do anything outside of the typical routine, they have to ask first. This includes taking my child for a playdate at a friends house. You are the boss, and the mother. It is your responsibility to ensure the physical, emotional, amd spiritual safety of your children. Unless you are aware of everything that goes on, you can't be sure of anything. Second, does she know about kashrus? Having a non Jewish nanny is fine if you either 1. Explain every detail about kashrus, including the consequences of not following the laws properly. Or 2. Do not leave anything up to her, and only allow her to feed your children exactly what you specify.

This would never, ever fly by me. If it wasn't the first incident, or she repeated something similar, I would fire her. That is, assuming I was clear about my expectations.

HindaRochel

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 1:47 pm

I agree with Ima2netanel. She probably didn't see the harm and thought it would be a nice outing for the kids. If you trusted her to take them out of the house she probably didn't see the problem with it.

ElTam

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 2:13 pm

For me, it would depend on the babysitter. In this situation, I would be uncomfortable, and I think it's a real problem that she didn't ask you. It's not an outing; it's for her convenience. I can see a situation where I would say yes, a babysitter could do it. But this isn't it.

Kayza

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 2:38 pm

amother wrote:

I need to tell her I don't like it and don't want her to do it anymore. Or am I being too overprotective? Would you allow a babysitter to take your kids to her home? It's really making me nervous and uncomfortable.

You said that she gave the kids FOOD. She even offered them food that she cooked - NOT just packaged stuff that might be ok. In other words, when your children are going to her house, they are quite likely getting treif food. You absolutely need to stop it.

How far away from you does she live?

QUEENY

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 2:39 pm

One time my babysitter took my 2yrs old twins with a double stroller on the subway to the botanical garden. She told me after the fact. Until this day whenever I think about it I start freaking out. It's hard enough taking one toddler on the train but two...

alte mamme

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 10:17 pm

I totally wouldn't let her take my kids to her home. I've heard too many stories of children being abused by the babysitter's children. Seriously. Not to mention the kashrus issue. Sounds like a lot of chances you would be taking with her. I would find another babysitter.

Kayza

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 12:40 am

marina wrote:

no big deal. I would just remind her about the food.

And why would you think she'll listen when the bigger kid is not there? She may be a nice woman, and even honest. But to her, this is probably a situation where what mom "doesn't know won't hurt her."

mizle10

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 2:51 am

Another point, besides for the kashrus, you have no idea what type of language your kids are being exposed to. I wouldnt trust non jewish teenagers to talk in a way that you would want your kids to talk.
There can be a tv on in the house with dirty stuff on..
Why should ur kids be in such a non jewish enviornment?
Deff be strict about this

Raisin

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 5:54 am

Kayza wrote:

marina wrote:

no big deal. I would just remind her about the food.

if you can't trust her not to give them kosher food in her house, why trust her in yours? ANd she could be buying french fries from mcdonalds.

I think the food issue is more worrying. You need to be very clear that ONLY food from your house is ok, plus certain bought foods which you tell her is ok.

amommy

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 9:53 am

I would never let a babysitter take kids to her house. I dont even know if I wud keep her after she has done that without letting u know. im sure u thought she took them to the park or something and its not right that she took them to her house instead. I would have trust issues if this happened to me.

EstherYK

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 8:54 pm

I agree with the other posters. If my babysitter was not frum or at least knowledgeable of my expectations I would not permit this.

I would simply say "I prefer that you keep the children at home or pre-approved places outside. If there is anything that you need from home that I can supply you with here please let me know". If her issue is her own children I would try to find another babysitter. She is responsible for following your rules, and if she cannot then it is not the job for her. If she questions you you can either explain about kashrus etc or simply say "this is the way I prefer it, thank you for understanding".

vicki

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 9:22 pm

This happened to me a long time ago. I fired our babysitter over it...
If you didn't know she was taking them to her own house and it has been going on for a while there is a reason you didn't know. She didn't want you to know. She is doing it for her convenience not the kids benefit. While you pay her to watch your children, she should not be doing whatever it is she's doing in her own home.
In my situation, she lied about it. Our son's hat was lost. She made up some story about sitting on Ocean Parkway with him when some boys came by and took his hat. We were confused. Then another day when my husband came home unexpectedly and found them gone - And they were still gone 3 hours later, he called her home. She answered and we heard our baby crying in the background. She said it was her nephew crying. Like that was better. Her nephew was around 12 at the time. He was def not the one crying. We put some clues together and realized she had been doing this for a while. We also asked what she fed him over all that time and she gave some evasive answer.
We were paying her to watch our son and play with him, care for him, read to him, feed him - OUR FOOD, bathe him - in our environment not her own which we had never seen.

marina

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 9:43 pm

I'm with Raisin.

This is about the trust you have in your child's caretaker and has nothing to do with where your babysitter does her job or her level of observance or the ages of her own children.

You either have a babysitter who understands your expectations and respects them or you don't.

If you don't trust her to make sure your kids don't eat treife in her house, why do you trust her to do the same when she takes the kids to the park?

Kayza

Wed, Aug 10 2011, 11:14 pm

Raisin wrote:

if you can't trust her not to give them kosher food in her house, why trust her in yours? ANd she could be buying french fries from mcdonalds.

Good question, and a good reason why some Rabbanim will tell you that allowing a non-jewish person to be the sole adult in your house / with your children actually presents a Halachik problem.

Nevertheless, in your house, at least, you have a better chance, since you it is a bit easier to insist that she does not bring ANY food into your house - you give her lunch.