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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
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 Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:18 am
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what should one say to a friend who lost a son 4 years ago, on the day when it would have been the child's 4th birthday?
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amother
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Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:19 am
| amother wrote: | | what should one say to a friend who lost a son, on the day when it would have been the child's 4th birthday? |
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zaq
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Sun, Sep 18 2011, 8:08 pm
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the son died 4 years ago, or the son died recently and today he would have been 4 had he lived? Makes no diff--say nothing unless your friend brings up the topic. If she's a close friend then she'll say something if she wants. Not everyone wants to talk about their loss even some time later, and there's really nothing you can say that won't sound superficial and phony-pious. "Don't worry, you'll have other children"? A child isn't an umbrella that if you lose one another will replace it! "It was all for the best"? The best for whom? It's not good for his parents and it certainly wasn't good for the child. "it's part of G-d's plan"? You think the parents don't know that? "He was so special that the KBH wanted him back"? Oh, please! Pukitacious!
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Fox
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Mon, Sep 19 2011, 11:29 am
Simply call and leave a message on the yarzheit that you're thinking of your friend and her son. Don't make superhuman efforts to actually talk to the friend on the yarzheit; many people feel a little raw and not up to personal contact.
If something in-person is needed, simply state that your friend's family and her son are in your thoughts and prayers, that he was an amazing boy, and your friend is an amazing mother.
There's nothing wrong with praising a deceased child, and every parent enjoys nachas -- even under difficult circumstances.
Zaq is correct, however, about avoiding the temptation to appoint yourself as a Navi. It's enough to say something positive about the child and let the family know that you are thinking of them.
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