what do you think about this???

amother

Sat, Oct 08 2011, 7:27 pm

A different perspective from what I've seen so far on this thread.

I also read a few books with explicit scenes when I was a teenager. Not romance novels, the scenes were just part of the sci-fi/fantasy/historical fiction plot. I got them off my parents' bookshelves - we were a very bookish family and the walls were lined with books of all types, I roamed through them at will. Even while I was reading them, I felt extremely uncomfortable, as well as glued to reading more. (Though I now remember there was a sci-fi series that got progressively more and more explicit and I decided on my own to stop reading.) At the time and later I was very upset with my parents for allowing me to read them (I left my books on my bedside shelf in full view) and wished I hadn't.

Only reading this thread helps me to understand now - they were probably coming from the point of view of most of the posters here.

Has my opinion changed? No, I still wish my parents had picked up on my discomfort and warned me against them, or at least told me what they contained. My mother still can't understand why I censor my books and won't read certain things she would love to give me (books are a very traditional present in our family).

Don't know if this helps you at all OP, but it's a different pov from most others here.

gold21

Sat, Oct 08 2011, 10:05 pm

I read trashy romance novels behind my parents backs, and I assure you that it did not impact my marriage B"H. the images absolutely do not continuously run through my mind- in fact, I cant really recollect what I read exactly!, so I have no regrets about it. I found the stuff fascinating at the time, but I completely totally lost interest once I got married, and I am currently completely disinterested in romance novels.

mom71

Sun, Oct 09 2011, 6:18 pm

op here- well, after much thinking, I finally decided to confront her. I let her know that I know what books she is reading and because she is 17 I will not stop her even though I'm very much against it. Then I sat down to have a heart to heart talk with her. I explained to her that reading these book will only distract her from her school studies etc. Then I told her how reading these books may have an affect on her married life,it actually takes such a beautiful and special part of marriage and gives you a completely wrong picture. Our conversation didn't last to long because she kept brushing me off and wasn't interested to hear. I gave her, her space and left. Now I will leave the rest up to Hashem.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Oct 09 2011, 6:24 pm

mom71 wrote:

OP, this is just not so. I read those trashy novels when I was younger. I read them and did not think about them when I was not reading them. It was a book, that was it. Nothing more.
And it did not do anything to my marriage or intimate life. I dont think about those books in terms of my marriage/intimate life. I know that that was a novel and this is real life.

thankyou

Mon, Oct 10 2011, 10:11 am

[quote="mom71"]op here- well, after much thinking, I finally decided to confront her. I let her know that I know what books she is reading and because she is 17 I will not stop her even though I'm very much against it. Then I sat down to have a heart to heart talk with her. I explained to her that reading these book will only distract her from her school studies etc. Then I told her how reading these books may have an affect on her married life,it actually takes such a beautiful and special part of marriage and gives you a completely wrong picture. Our conversation didn't last to long because she kept brushing me off and wasn't interested to hear. I gave her, her space and left. Now I will leave the rest up to Hashem.[/qu

Sounds like you did an amazing job!
Kol hakavod

Merrymom

Mon, Oct 17 2011, 1:07 am

What is wrong with snooping in your child's room? Nothing imho. So long as you are the parent and you are responsible for their safety and wellbeing, both emotional and physical, you need to know what's doing. It is your property and not theirs so you have every right to look. Reading a diary now, that's different. That's like going into someone's brain and I find that just awful.

In any case, you should use this as an opportunity to explain why certain books can really mess with your head. If your daughter really wants romance give her an outlet that you can approve of. Things like Jane Eyre, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, etc.

5*Mom

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 7:24 am

I don’t think that at 17 this should be considered taivah, or yetzer hara and I am concerned at the OP's use of the word disgusted. If these are the messages you are passing on to your daughter she is learning the following: 1. She cannot come to you for information about important delicate subjects 2. She is bad (yetzer hara) for being curious and 3. relations and anything to do with it will be associated with words like taiva and yetzer hara. These are far more damaging to her than any graphic book would be because you are her mother, you are married, you are frum, you know all the Halachos and hashkafos and you are decidedly negative and uncomfortable about the subject.

She is reading because she is naturally curious (I am surprised it took her till 17!!) and perhaps has gotten messages from you that you are not a safe source for information, so she is turning to other sources. I would ignore the issue of the books completely and instead open a gentle but honest discussion about relationships, s-xuality (age appropriate) and the Torah hashkafa all put in the proper context. I would emphasise that Hashem created man and woman to be attracted to each other and it is normal and a good sign at her age, because in a few years she will be ready for marriage (and in fact just 2 generations ago she may have been married already!). In order to protect both parties in a relationship the Torah gives us boundaries, such as with whom, when and where we can have a relationship. Keep it positive only and do not use words like taiva, yetzer hara and disgusted. If she continues to choose to read, at least you have provided her with a healthy, positive perspective on relationships and she is a lot less likely to be negatively affected by what she reads.

Yocheved84

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 7:55 am

5*Mom wrote:

She is reading because she is naturally curious (I am surprised it took her till 17!!) and perhaps has gotten messages from you that you are not a safe source for information, so she is turning to other sources.

There are some things that teenage girls don't want to share with their mothers or feel embarrassed asking! And here, she probably just has natural curiosity but not specific questions that she can form. On this site, we are all married or have been married, and are adults. But let us think back to her age for a moment. We didn't know terminology or what that "pitter patter" feeling in the heart meant.

I think this lovely girl just wants to know what love and romance will eventually feel like. I think OP was right for saying what she did. And anytime a teenager says (or yells!) "Yeah! Whatever! Convo done!" they were listening, no matter how short the verbal exchange.

MerryMom--at age 17, don't you think it's a little late to be snooping around her room? It's not like, G-d forbid, c"v the girl is doing drugs or something dangerous to her life.

Merrymom

Mon, Oct 31 2011, 8:58 pm

Yocheved84 wrote:

5*Mom wrote:

I don't snoop in my teenagers' rooms, simply because I trust them. If the time would come that I wouldn't trust them (G-d forbid), then I most definitely would snoop.