Feel so emotionally torn on names..need advice

amother

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 10:24 pm

BH we had our first son this past week and with the Bris coming up I feel so torn. we wrote a first jewish name with a secular middle name on the birth certificate. I lost my father during my engagement suddenly. He was just 60 yrs old and passed away suddenly. I loved my dad tremendously but he had a very very hard life. Not to get into specifics but my father battled with mental illness and addictions. He was a very loving father though. My sister had a baby last year and named her baby after him. We were not planning on naming after my father because he had been named after already and were not thrilled with the name itself. I got a call from a friend today knowing of our intention not to name after my father. She said she didnt want me to regret not naming after my father, and that his soul no longer has opportunity to do mitzvahs and its a huge raise for his soul. She said I may not have another boy and have to live with this decision. I felt such guilt that I am not doing my dad justice and now am considering changing the middle name and using one of my dads two names..both of which we really don't like anyways.originally we were gonna use my husbands grandfather's name as a middle name who I never met but it would mean something to my husbands family. Am I a terrible daughter for disregarding my father totally?

Shalshelet

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 10:30 pm

How do you feel about your husband's grandfather's name vs. one of your father's names? Does either speak more to you? It's a decision you will have to be comfortable with. I don't think that your friend should have pulled a guilt trip on you like that. I'm sure there are other ways you can remember and elevate your father's neshama, if you so choose.

OTOH, you know, you could give your son three names if that works for you. (I know someone whose brother has five names, btw).

ROFL

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 10:33 pm

It takes ruach hakodesh to name a child. I think you and your DH should look at your sweet boy and figure out ---what you and only you and DH decide is the right name ! if you both decide not to use your fathers name , then don't . Choose a name that is right for him ,
You should have mazal and bracha.

spring13

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 11:01 pm

Oy, I'm sorry you were guilt-tripped like that, it was really really out of line for anyone to confront you like that.

there's no objectively right or wrong way to feel about this situation; there's right or wrong for you.

it's your child. your personal feelings about any particular name DO count. guilt shouldn't be your only reason for picking one. if a certain name just works for you and another doesn't, you should feel confident that it's the right choice, even if there are "reasons" to use another. you're not automatically being a bad daughter: you're being a good you.

talk with your DH. contemplate your beautiful new son. if it would help you sort out your feelings, talk to a rav or another person you look up to. but at the end of the day, I think that when it comes to naming your own child, you should pay major attention to your gut.

Last edited by spring13 on Tue, Dec 27 2011, 12:44 am; edited 1 time in total

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 11:31 pm

1) Your sister already did it, so you don't have to. Repeat this to yourself a hundred times.

2) Ditch this friend immediately. She is putting you off your instincts which are very high level at this moment as you know. Ruach ha Kodesh. I suppose you have to invite her to the bris. Well, don't say more than two words to her, or spend more than three seconds saying hello. After the dust settles be too busy to see her. Claim you're tired and can't talk. Eventually she will either get the message, move away, or die. Doesn't matter which, whatever works is fine.

3) A name is a kind of picture a person in the mind, especially the parents' minds. If you don't like the name(s) there is a peril that this will hurt your ability to like the person himself. Sometimes a Rav suggests a name, or a trusted relative. But not nosy friends.

Hugs.

Get some sleep.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Mon, Dec 26 2011, 11:48 pm; edited 2 times in total

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 11:47 pm

Interesting idea but: her sister already did it. It's enough. She doesn't want to. Her sister already did it. In fact, as G-d controls mood, the fact that she doesn't want to, is itself significant, and should be gone along with.

Post partum ladies are vulnerable. The scent of blood draws certain types. Maybe they are jealous or something.

amother

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 11:53 pm

It all matters what the name is. No offense to anyone but if I had that situation with someone named zelda shprintza yente something... I wouldn't do the name. If its a relatively common name, or one at least heard of, I'd say go for it-it IS a tremendous aliyas neshama for him. Mazel Tov!

amother

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 12:39 am

I understand you completely. my mother is mentally ill, but really tried with us growing up and has many good traits.

I am 9 months pregnant with a girl and I am concerned if she does not make it (she has many health issues) what to do with her name.

what I have in mind is to use her name as a middle and give a comfort name first and call the baby the comfort name.

hopefully I won't have to deal with this, but since you do that's my 2 cents.

also- what you decide is 100% your choice. don't let ANYONE guilt you or bully you into the name.
I agree with Dolly distance yourself from this friend.

amother

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 6:39 am

It's nobody's business but yours and Dh's what you name your child. You need a name that you will be comfortable with.

I had issues with my father and as my brother and sister had both named kids after him, I felt very comfortable naming my DS whatever I wanted.

Marion

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 7:03 am

We had this with my late FIL's name. We used his name as he was known b'tzibbur as a middle name (interestingly, so did 2 other siblings, all due around the same time); one gave the full name. We do use both of DS' names, so we do use FIL's name on a daily basis, but I told DH I wouldn't be able to call a son *just* by that name.

You have to be at peace with your decision. If you couldn't bring yourself to call your son by his name, how would you feel? Shame on your friend for making you second guess yourself!

ElTam

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 8:35 am

The parents get Ruach haKodesh, not the mom's random friend who decides it is her place to mix in.

And if your friend says anything else to you, I'd tell her exactly that.

Mazal tov and I'm sure whatever name you pick will be perfect for your baby.

life'sgreat

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 9:28 am

I think the hard life issue is generally relevant to others, not parents. Meaning, if you name after an uncle, aunt, or other person, if they had a hard life, many don't want to use that name. But generally (key word) people name after their parents even if they had a hard life. However, you two need to feel completely comfortable with giving that name. Could you discuss it with a rav?

PinkFridge

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 9:43 am

This was not the role of the (let's be generous) well-meaning caller. Your father is in the olam haemes and is surely getting nachas from your continuing the mesorah, as well as your good intentions in making your machutanim happy. This is as great a zechus accruing.

As an aside, it took a few grandchildren and years till we had someone for my mother. Sometimes I think that our family might not have been ready earlier. I don't think my mother lacked zechuyos by having to wait for a namesake.

And if - IF - you don't have another boy, you will have grandsons, iy"H and hopefully someone will love the name and appreciate the person behind it.

Just MHO. Do what you think is best.