How to throw off a man?

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:14 am

Here is the story.

I work sometimes with men, depending on branch and shift. I think I am always polite but not friendly with men. Not flirting, nor ice cold, nor rude.

One day, there is this co-worker that was trying to help me with a customer I was dealing with, (mind you, I am much longer in the business, but he didn't know it then. He was just trying to help), and he was being too 'mother hen' about it.
I told him to let me deal with my workstation myself, I know how to do it, and the way I do it hasn't caused me problems the past few months (when he insisted on asking where the particular note was and I was insisting that I dont use it for months now).

After asking him to bug off one time too many, he blew up at me and at everyone, was in a huge huff, said some not nice words at me and then left work.

So far, so good. I wasn't really hurt, because I knew he wanted to help out of the goodness of his heart, (though he could've done it in a way that is less 'mother hennish', and let me deal with the business at hand whilst still helping, like any other male would do. Wait for me to finish and then do the lifting,) and he seems rather sensitive .

So he comes back in a few hours, and after a few minutes, he asks me if I am " xyz". I asked him "what difference does it make?". I wasn't looking for male friends, or to have continued conversation with him. So he said that he went to another branch and heard one of the higher ups say that 'xyz' is now in branch 'abc', and she is excellent etc.
I acknowledged that I am xyz, and then he started a waterfall of appologies and explanations that he only wanted to help and he didnt know who I was bla bla bla.

We appologised to each other and peace reigned.

So far so good. I understood he had only wanted to help, legitimate enough. He understood I knew how to do the work.

So far so good.

------------

What comes next is what I need help with.

For whatever reason (wanting to be friendly/wanting to be in my good books/ or something I can't fathom at the moment), he goes out of his way to greet me in a way that others will know I came in;

* like announcing for the world to hear:" look which guest arrived" (sounds less stilted in hebrew) .I think I said 'shalom'.

(today)* calling after me (he saw me from my back I presume, because I hadnt seen him)" hi (mrs) xyz."

I ignored his calling, as if I hadn't heard. Later he meets up with me by the supervisor's desk and greets me half jovially (not sure of spelling, but this is surely the word for it) and then says, "I called you before, but you didn't hear".I didn't correct him.

I wanted to tell him a few times that I don't have male friends , and not looking to make male friends. But he is sensitive, and I don't know how to talk to him about this. He should also be knowing this himself, seeing as he seems to be frum and all.
I considered sending my dh playing the role of competitive, controlling husband, but I am not sure that would go over well with him.

I don't know what to do. He certainly doesnt do that to the other female co-workers, maybe to the supervisor, this going out of the way .

What do I do?

Questions to clarify the matter are welcome.

Btw , this is not a shalom bayis issue. But it might be if I have to pester dh for an idea how to throw him off. That is why I am turning to you.

33055

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:25 am

I would be dignified. I would politely respond with a cool not cold good morning. If he asks how you are, I would just say fine b'h. I would not ask any questions. I would respond to all questions just as brief unless it is necessary for work. I would not bring my husband into my work place for this. This guy seems like an annoying mosquito, if it is more, please let me know.

The way I see it is he its not actually harassing you.

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:29 am

Squishy wrote:

How long should I continue to play dignified to give it a chance? I am not sure it will work.

If I won't have to bring my dh into work, I really won't mind, I just need a way to get the message across and I don't know how to bcause he is so sensitive.

No, I wouldn't call it harrassing yet, but I want him to get the message.

Mrs.K

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:30 am

Spinach between your teeth, lots of garlic at lunch, ungroomed facial hair, the possibilities are endless...

Raisin

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:32 am

pretend to be talking very affectionately to your dh on the phone when he comes over.

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:35 am

Mrs.K wrote:

Spinach between your teeth, lots of garlic at lunch, ungroomed facial hair, the possibilities are endless...

I don't want him asking all concerned"Are you ok?What happened?"

I think I will blow up at him if I need to lose my female friends because of him. And the respect of my clients.

But thanks for the smile.

Don't take off that thinking cap yet! Please!

mizle10

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:37 am

If he's really bothering you, I think your boundries come before his sensitivity and you should just tell him "I respect you as a person and as a co-worker, but for religious reasons I can't have any relationships with non-relative males."

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:37 am

Raisin wrote:

pretend to be talking very affectionately to your dh on the phone when he comes over.

Good idea, but won't work due to work detail.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:40 am

Aloofness is the only way to go , a picture of your DH and kids on your desk is a statement ....
BUT If he is a perv creep... IME they feel "challenged" and try even harder to get your attention Rolling Eyes

and once dissed he might retaliate.
At least he is not your old creepy boss like it was in my case .....My creepy boss thought that me avoiding touch and yichud was "exciting " cause it was against the rules. Rolling Eyes

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:41 am

mizle10 wrote:

Excellent idea. Now how do I tell him that, he seems to be religious.

If he says he was just trying to be polite/friendly, I just need to remind him that he started it after he knew who I was, and acting in this way gives him no good points in my book but the opposite?

Keep those answers coming

mizle10

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:44 am

You tell him just like that. I respect you, but because of MY religous reasons I can't have platonic, or other, male relationships. And sincerely apolagize.

crl

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:45 am

Since it sounds like you're a well-respected higher up, I think you can definitely get away with being just cool and not overly friendly because it doesn't look anything less that professional.

It sounds to me like he's very insecure and just doesn't know how to relate to people well and now he's kind of intimidated and acting weird/nervous around you because he just doesn't know what to do.

I think that you can say something about the religious reasons for not wanting a male friendship IF he gets to the point that he's bugging you, but otherwise, I would just ignore it for now, because you want to appear unflappable to your coworkers and clients.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:46 am

mizle10 wrote:

Great line! I would say instead of the bolded " I don't socialize beyond strictly work related matters" your understanding is greatly appreciated or something.

Merrymom

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:47 am

Why do you think he's flirting with you? He can also just be trying to get ahead job-wise. There's a rather impolite term that I'm thinking of (s.u. to someone if you want me to be blunt). Just ignore him, he'll eventually get it.

I think actually acknowledging what he's doing is the very worst thing that you can do. He's obviously a man that needs to tell women what to do, being that he can't do that with you, maybe he's hoping to get you dependent on him emotionally.

Last edited by Merrymom on Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:50 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:48 am

crl wrote:

You hit the nail on its head, I think.
I think I will wait then , and if it gets too much I will have to tell him.

Comments still welcome.

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:51 am

Merrymom wrote:

Because I am not in the position to help anyone go up the ladder. And I think he knows it.

He is either doing it to over-appologise, or he doesn't have good people skills, or something.

yksraya

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:54 am

You do not need to care about his sensitivity cause if he is religious he should know the halachas himself. next time he comes over to chat just tell him I'm sorry but it's against the torah for me to talk to you. and tell him you will only discuss work related stuff only if necessary.

Merrymom

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

Because I am not in the position to help anyone go up the ladder. And I think he knows it.

He is either doing it to over-appologise, or he doesn't have good people skills, or something.

Why would he know it? If they're saying good things about you in other departments then clearly you have some kind of pull in the company. In any case it doesn't matter about that. He simply might need you to turn to him just to lift his ego. You rejected his help, how do you think that made him feel? If you were him what better way to salvage his ego then getting your eyes to light up every time you see him?

mizle10

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 11:00 am

yksraya wrote:

Religous does not necessarily mean jewish.

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 11:03 am

I am basically in the same rank, although I am excellent, and yes, people love when I am on shift, workwise. So he knows I can't help him climb the ladder.

He is jewish and religous.

How long will it take him to see that I don't want to be his friend, that I don't chat with him, that my eyes don't light up when he greets me?