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-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
amother
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 Fri, Jan 27 2012, 3:28 am
My husband was married before. He and his first wife were married for 10 years and never had children. Although she does not live in this community anymore, she has family here and visits from time to time. Sometimes we are invited to the same simchas.
My husband still has some photos of her, including their wedding album (in our storage room). She is in his college yearbook photo, which is on hour bookshelf.
I feel I should inform my children, at the appropriate age, about this aspact of my husband's past, especially since it seems inevitable that they will either stumble upon these photos or someone in the community will say something.
My oldest is in second grade, and very mature. I thought I should tell him, but I don't know how he will react.
Does anyone have any advice to share?
TIA.
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HindaRochel
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 4:09 am
I would let the situation come up naturally, for example going through his yearbook, or when you are looking through pictures, and just say something then. "Oh, this is L. your father's first wife."
Then let the questions come. Try not to feel anxious when you talk about it. Just "this and this happened." Not a big deal thing.
But do answer all their questions and worries and concerns. IF you feel there is an unasked concern then you might bring it up tangentially. "Divorce is sad, but it sometimes happens. Have any of your friends parents divorced?"
Then you can assure them "B"H Aba and I have a good marriage. We love each other and always work together."
However you can fit that in.
I wouldn't belabor the point, only bring it up if they have concerns.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 8:11 am
It's really up to your husband, not you. Your kids have no "right to know", seeing as they have no siblings from this marriage, there is no reason to tell them unless your husband actually wants to. What should be for sure is that anyone who knows about the first marriage should be made aware that the kids don't know and it is up to your DH and NO ONE ELSE when/if/how to discuss it. My gut tells me that if he still has the wedding album and other mementos, he may want to tell them at some point, but again, it's all up to him IMO.
I'm anon because this happened in my own family. My mother was briefly married before meeting my father and had no children from that marriage and I never knew about it. I know about it now because an older cousin who had been at the first wedding told me about it. I was very angry with her, because it was not her right to relay that information to me. It should have come from my mom or not at all. My life has not been enhanced in any way by this information and my mom had her reasons for not telling me, and that was her prerogative. The first husband wasn't Jewish (my mom is BT), and even though we have not talked about it other than me informing her that I know, I have a feeling that's part of why she doesn't like to talk about it.
To recap: it's up to your husband, make sure the family knows that it's at his discretion and never to assume the kids know anything or that DH wants them. Just some advice from a kid who's been there...
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amother
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:13 am
| amother wrote: | It's really up to your husband, not you. Your kids have no "right to know", seeing as they have no siblings from this marriage, there is no reason to tell them unless your husband actually wants to. What should be for sure is that anyone who knows about the first marriage should be made aware that the kids don't know and it is up to your DH and NO ONE ELSE when/if/how to discuss it. My gut tells me that if he still has the wedding album and other mementos, he may want to tell them at some point, but again, it's all up to him IMO.
I'm anon because this happened in my own family. My mother was briefly married before meeting my father and had no children from that marriage and I never knew about it. I know about it now because an older cousin who had been at the first wedding told me about it. I was very angry with her, because it was not her right to relay that information to me. It should have come from my mom or not at all. My life has not been enhanced in any way by this information and my mom had her reasons for not telling me, and that was her prerogative. The first husband wasn't Jewish (my mom is BT), and even though we have not talked about it other than me informing her that I know, I have a feeling that's part of why she doesn't like to talk about it.
To recap: it's up to your husband, make sure the family knows that it's at his discretion and never to assume the kids know anything or that DH wants them. Just some advice from a kid who's been there... |
I'm surprised that you weren't hurt that your mother didn't tell you, I have a brother like this, that was married for 5 years, no kids, and remarried and has a beautiful family. his divorce from his first wife was very messy, her parents interfered and caused a lot of problems. The point is that he never told his children about that chapter in his life, and now they are getting married one by one b"h and their spouses found out when getting information, and that's how the kids are finding out. THEY ARE FURIOUS! I spoke to his daughter, (who was even mad at me) she can't believe all these years noone told her the truth. she feels betrayed. I would tell your kids rather at a very young age so that it is just a fact of life, then when they are older, and it feels like you were hiding something.
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freidasima
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:14 am
First, don't expect questions. I know of kids who were told something and were either so afraid to ask that they didn't or totally misunderstood for years and didn't ask. If you want to tell someone something, tell them fully, don't open a box and wait for questions.
Second if it's going to come out, tell them when they are old enough to understand, of course together with your husband or with his approval. I know someone who found her mother's first wedding pictures at her grandmother's home and kept it to herself for years. Her mother never told her and she was the one to confront her mother when she was in her late teens and wanting to get married. Her mother opposed her marriage and to make a long story short, the daughter got married and eventually divorced. she once told me that if her mother had shared her own problematic first marriage story with her, she might have not made a similar mistake herself.
So together with your husband, at an age appropriate time, might be a good idea to share a bit of information.
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HindaRochel
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:26 am
| freidasima wrote: | First, don't expect questions. I know of kids who were told something and were either so afraid to ask that they didn't or totally misunderstood for years and didn't ask. If you want to tell someone something, tell them fully, don't open a box and wait for questions.
Second if it's going to come out, tell them when they are old enough to understand, of course together with your husband or with his approval. I know someone who found her mother's first wedding pictures at her grandmother's home and kept it to herself for years. Her mother never told her and she was the one to confront her mother when she was in her late teens and wanting to get married. Her mother opposed her marriage and to make a long story short, the daughter got married and eventually divorced. she once told me that if her mother had shared her own problematic first marriage story with her, she might have not made a similar mistake herself.
So together with your husband, at an age appropriate time, might be a good idea to share a bit of information. |
Just curious FS, don't you find that such things are best not to be announced but to become part of plain family history? I mean, I wouldn't make a big deal of it (I agree dh needs to approve, I sort of assumed that the mom isn't revealing dh's secrets without his will.)
But I think too often people keep guarded what should just be a factoid.
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cm
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:27 am
| HindaRochel wrote: | I would let the situation come up naturally, for example going through his yearbook, or when you are looking through pictures, and just say something then. "Oh, this is L. your father's first wife."
Then let the questions come. Try not to feel anxious when you talk about it. Just "this and this happened." Not a big deal thing.
But do answer all their questions and worries and concerns. IF you feel there is an unasked concern then you might bring it up tangentially. "Divorce is sad, but it sometimes happens. Have any of your friends parents divorced?"
Then you can assure them "B"H Aba and I have a good marriage. We love each other and always work together."
However you can fit that in.
I wouldn't belabor the point, only bring it up if they have concerns. |
I agree with all of the above! You cannot keep this secret forever, and if your children found out from someone outside the immediate family, or at a sensitive (adolescent) age, or when they are just about to get married, it could be very difficult.
In keeping with amother's post, I would like to suggest that it should be up to your husband to tell, or at least give his permission for you to tell. It's his information. It's also the sort of thing that parents need to discuss with each other first, to make sure you are both on the same page.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:46 am
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I agree with Hindarochel - say it as naturally as possible. Don't make it sound awful, bad, scary or anything. Just that Daddy had a first wife, but unfortunately that did not work out. It happens sometimes. Now he has us, and he loves us very much, and he's happy.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:51 am
| amother wrote: | | amother wrote: | It's really up to your husband, not you. Your kids have no "right to know", seeing as they have no siblings from this marriage, there is no reason to tell them unless your husband actually wants to. What should be for sure is that anyone who knows about the first marriage should be made aware that the kids don't know and it is up to your DH and NO ONE ELSE when/if/how to discuss it. My gut tells me that if he still has the wedding album and other mementos, he may want to tell them at some point, but again, it's all up to him IMO.
I'm anon because this happened in my own family. My mother was briefly married before meeting my father and had no children from that marriage and I never knew about it. I know about it now because an older cousin who had been at the first wedding told me about it. I was very angry with her, because it was not her right to relay that information to me. It should have come from my mom or not at all. My life has not been enhanced in any way by this information and my mom had her reasons for not telling me, and that was her prerogative. The first husband wasn't Jewish (my mom is BT), and even though we have not talked about it other than me informing her that I know, I have a feeling that's part of why she doesn't like to talk about it.
To recap: it's up to your husband, make sure the family knows that it's at his discretion and never to assume the kids know anything or that DH wants them. Just some advice from a kid who's been there... |
I'm surprised that you weren't hurt that your mother didn't tell you, I have a brother like this, that was married for 5 years, no kids, and remarried and has a beautiful family. his divorce from his first wife was very messy, her parents interfered and caused a lot of problems. The point is that he never told his children about that chapter in his life, and now they are getting married one by one b"h and their spouses found out when getting information, and that's how the kids are finding out. THEY ARE FURIOUS! I spoke to his daughter, (who was even mad at me) she can't believe all these years noone told her the truth. she feels betrayed. I would tell your kids rather at a very young age so that it is just a fact of life, then when they are older, and it feels like you were hiding something. |
As I mentioned, my mother's first husband was not Jewish, so I understand why she might not have wanted to tell me about- she is pretty sensitive in general about her past, and while I've always known she's a BT, she's never gone into much detail about it. I don't think I ever would have found anything out if not for that cousin. The guy wasn't Jewish and the Rav who married my parents is long gone, so it is unlikely my ILs would have found this info.
I'm sorry about your nieces and nephews, but they sound like entitled brats to me. They are NOT entitled to every bit of private information about their parents' lives. They should get over themselves and understand that their father had his reasons.
Of course, being that there was a wedding and all, there will always be some people, especially relatives, who know, so there is always a chance of someone saying something (as happened in my case). One should either decide it's not worth trying to hide it and tell before someone else does, or make it crystal clear to the family that they are NEVER to discuss it with the children without your express consent.
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Blueberry Muffin
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:55 am
| amother wrote: | It's really up to your husband, not you. Your kids have no "right to know", seeing as they have no siblings from this marriage, there is no reason to tell them unless your husband actually wants to. What should be for sure is that anyone who knows about the first marriage should be made aware that the kids don't know and it is up to your DH and NO ONE ELSE when/if/how to discuss it. My gut tells me that if he still has the wedding album and other mementos, he may want to tell them at some point, but again, it's all up to him IMO.
I'm anon because this happened in my own family. My mother was briefly married before meeting my father and had no children from that marriage and I never knew about it. I know about it now because an older cousin who had been at the first wedding told me about it. I was very angry with her, because it was not her right to relay that information to me. It should have come from my mom or not at all. My life has not been enhanced in any way by this information and my mom had her reasons for not telling me, and that was her prerogative. The first husband wasn't Jewish (my mom is BT), and even though we have not talked about it other than me informing her that I know, I have a feeling that's part of why she doesn't like to talk about it.
To recap: it's up to your husband, make sure the family knows that it's at his discretion and never to assume the kids know anything or that DH wants them. Just some advice from a kid who's been there... |
I would advise you to let the kids know at some point - earlier than later - you can't control anyone else from repeating the information - even if you tell them not to disclose the info.
I'm a bit surprise that this imamother only said your kids have no right to know.... - from your experience with your cousin - you said you were very angry you were not told. You can't control what will slip out of other peoples mouths or whether others will be as sensitive to "protecting" you as your own parents. As others have mentioned - when you decide to tell them, tell them in a very calm and sensitive way and reassure them that you love them.
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amother
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Fri, Jan 27 2012, 10:16 am
| amother wrote: | | amother wrote: | | amother wrote: | It's really up to your husband, not you. Your kids have no "right to know", seeing as they have no siblings from this marriage, there is no reason to tell them unless your husband actually wants to. What should be for sure is that anyone who knows about the first marriage should be made aware that the kids don't know and it is up to your DH and NO ONE ELSE when/if/how to discuss it. My gut tells me that if he still has the wedding album and other mementos, he may want to tell them at some point, but again, it's all up to him IMO.
I'm anon because this happened in my own family. My mother was briefly married before meeting my father and had no children from that marriage and I never knew about it. I know about it now because an older cousin who had been at the first wedding told me about it. I was very angry with her, because it was not her right to relay that information to me. It should have come from my mom or not at all. My life has not been enhanced in any way by this information and my mom had her reasons for not telling me, and that was her prerogative. The first husband wasn't Jewish (my mom is BT), and even though we have not talked about it other than me informing her that I know, I have a feeling that's part of why she doesn't like to talk about it.
To recap: it's up to your husband, make sure the family knows that it's at his discretion and never to assume the kids know anything or that DH wants them. Just some advice from a kid who's been there... |
I'm surprised that you weren't hurt that your mother didn't tell you, I have a brother like this, that was married for 5 years, no kids, and remarried and has a beautiful family. his divorce from his first wife was very messy, her parents interfered and caused a lot of problems. The point is that he never told his children about that chapter in his life, and now they are getting married one by one b"h and their spouses found out when getting information, and that's how the kids are finding out. THEY ARE FURIOUS! I spoke to his daughter, (who was even mad at me) she can't believe all these years noone told her the truth. she feels betrayed. I would tell your kids rather at a very young age so that it is just a fact of life, then when they are older, and it feels like you were hiding something. |
As I mentioned, my mother's first husband was not Jewish, so I understand why she might not have wanted to tell me about- she is pretty sensitive in general about her past, and while I've always known she's a BT, she's never gone into much detail about it. I don't think I ever would have found anything out if not for that cousin. The guy wasn't Jewish and the Rav who married my parents is long gone, so it is unlikely my ILs would have found this info.
I'm sorry about your nieces and nephews, but they sound like entitled brats to me. They are NOT entitled to every bit of private information about their parents' lives. They should get over themselves and understand that their father had his reasons.
Of course, being that there was a wedding and all, there will always be some people, especially relatives, who know, so there is always a chance of someone saying something (as happened in my case). One should either decide it's not worth trying to hide it and tell before someone else does, or make it crystal clear to the family that they are NEVER to discuss it with the children without your express consent. |
it just so happens that they are totally not brats. they have an extremely warm and close knit relationship with their father, and this secret really hurt. (btw, they got over it, but it wasn't easy, lots of questions.... etc)
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amother
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 12:11 am
OP here:
I broached the topic with DH. He says he sees no need to inform them at all, since there were no children from his first marriage.
I am not too comfortable with this...
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grace413
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 12:18 am
| amother wrote: | OP here:
I broached the topic with DH. He says he sees no need to inform them at all, since there were no children from his first marriage.
I am not too comfortable with this... |
Tell DH you are concerned that the kids will find out from people in the community and that it's better if the info comes from him. These things always come out somewhere along the line, especially as you say that she sometimes shows up in the community.
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amother
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 12:29 am
| amother wrote: | OP here:
I broached the topic with DH. He says he sees no need to inform them at all, since there were no children from his first marriage.
I am not too comfortable with this... |
it's HIS past...HE gets to choose!!! Also, WHY THE HECK does he still have her album & photos?!
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33055
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 12:55 am
I would tell. You can try to control your family. You can't control the community. We had a situation at our house. One of my daughters friends has an aunt who was married before to a guy in our Shul. My kid had no idea this was a secret. Who could anticipate this. That girl was never told her aunt was married before. She told her cousin.
My daughter was not gossiping. She was confused when the girl went to visit her aunt and a different man was her husband. I also had no idea that someone would try too keep this a secret.
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Dolly Welsh
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 1:22 am
Too soon and badly is better than too late and well. Just get it done. DH is wrong. It's a fact and it should have been "always known". If DH can't get the words out, you can do the flat-footed, emotionless recounting of the facts, WITH HIM PRESENT and nodding, yes, that's true. IMHO the alternative is even worse.
Yes, it's going to come out somehow, some day, somewhere, see comments above. The big annoyance to your children is not the fact itself, but the surprise. But, if they "have always known that, so what" there is no surprise.
The other problem is, "but you really love Mommy best, right?" So lay both of those to rest at this little session. No long discussions and DH gives no explanations or excuses. He might not say one word. Or, he can remark, "Torah permits this if the people truly cannot make a good home". Take refuge in Torah. The younger the children, the fewer questions they will ask, which is better. DH is not to be questioned or reproached or to look bad.
I don't think it is going to get better or easier with time.
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amother
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 6:01 am
| amother wrote: | | amother wrote: | OP here:
I broached the topic with DH. He says he sees no need to inform them at all, since there were no children from his first marriage.
I am not too comfortable with this... |
it's HIS past...HE gets to choose!!! Also, WHY THE HECK does he still have her album & photos?! |
Just to give more detail about the situation:
They were married for 10 years, her parents were active in our community, she lived in our town for several years after their divorce and after we were married. She married a relative of a friend of DH's and then they divorced too. She has children with someone whose father lives in our community and whose children may go to school with ours one day. Occassionally she is invited to the same simchas as we are.
Considering all this, I am concerned the kids may be told about her, and I want them to hear it from us first.
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Ruchel
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 7:37 am
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Oy this is hard. I would be afraid the kids start thinking there could be another divorce. It's also very private business... I agree with amother, why keep the pics? Esp if the kids dont know
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morah
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 9:09 am
You say your husband doesn't want to tell. That means you can't say a word- it's his life, his business, and his choice of if/when/how to tell. That being said, there are a lot of downsides to not telling- he was married to her for a long time, so not only do you have family/people who were at the wedding, but you have all the people who knew them as a couple over those 10 years. That's A LOT of people who could potentially slip. While it's not OK to go behind his back or against his wishes on this one, you DO have the shared concern of your children, and you have every right to worry about how it's going to go down if they find this out from someone else or when they're adults or something. You can't force your husband to do anything, but you CAN talk to him, express your concerns, and try to convince him of why you feel his decision is unwise.
Squishy- you really should be careful about what you tell your kids and never assume that these kinds of things are common knowledge. A good family friend was married very briefly before marrying his current wife, and like the husband here, has chosen not to tell his kids. I'm a little older than these kids, and the only reason I know about the first marriage is because I was at the wedding. I don't necessarily agree with the guy's decision, but it's not my business. I know to keep my mouth shut. Even as a kid, my dad told me after their divorce "Never talk about "Betty", it makes "George" sad". And for the record, this family is not frum, so no typical frummie reasons (I.e. shidduchim) at play here. I think it's simply that he'd rather forget that part of his life and doesn't want to deal with his kids' questions. My point is, I don't think it's that uncommon for people not to tell their kids about previous childless marriages.
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amother
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Tue, Jan 31 2012, 9:16 am
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My mother was married briefly before she married my father. The divorce was messy to say the least. We were never told anything as she didn't feel we needed to know. Unfortunately, she didn't take into account that other people don't think so too, and we all learned about it after we were married. Needless to say, we were all furious! Some off us found out from complete strangers. I definitely think that if here is a chance the kids will find out, they should be told.
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