Friend didn't come to your simcha because of a kids fever

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amother

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 12:31 pm

I have a bar mitzva tonight in a town about 20-30 minutes away (Israel). My daughter has a low grade fever and is dripping from her nose and eyes. She was pretty kvetchy on shabbat. The bar mitzva are relatively close friends. I had a sitter lined up and everything. I think I won't go. If you were the hostess would you understand, or be offended.

merelyme

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 12:34 pm

Understand.

If that's your only concern, I vote you stay home (even if they won't understand).

manhattanmom

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 12:37 pm

I would stay home. it's what you have to do. Do both you and your husband have to go? If it's your friend making the bar mitzvah--can you go and have your husband stay home with your sick child?

tsiggelle

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

whats wrong with giving your best wishes along with saying that you really wanted to come but your daughter isnt/wasnt feeling well and needs/needed you at home?

In the kitchen

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 1:56 pm

Your immediate family always comes first. They should understand that. Your child isn't feeling well and would be much more comfortable with you than a sitter. Also you can monitor how they are feeling and take appropriate actions. Refua shelaima to your dear child and forget about what other people may think. Call to wish mazal tov ve zehu.

Strawberry2

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 3:19 pm

manhattanmom wrote:

I would stay home. it's what you have to do. Do both you and your husband have to go? If it's your friend making the bar mitzvah--can you go and have your husband stay home with your sick child?

Refuah Shelaimah!

boysrus

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 3:21 pm

stay home! she will understand. refuah shelaimah

ElTam

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 3:41 pm

If I were you, I would stay home. And if I were the hostess, I would understand. I personally would not leave my kids with a sittter if they are sick. It's not fair to the sitter.

morah

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 5:00 pm

Presumably, these people have been parents for at least 13 years. Sometime in those 13 years, they must have had to cancel plans due to a sick child. I'm sure they'll understand.

hadasa

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 5:06 pm

If I were the hostess I would totally understand and accept it.

amother

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 6:29 pm

Stay home. I also have a smicha to go to tonight and am not going bec. I am a drop under the weather myself and would rather save my koach for my kids and family. Family comes first. It's a bigger mitzvah to take care of one's own family.

Mimisinger

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 6:49 pm

I think that the best option would be if dh stayed home. Barring that, I would stay home.

shanie5

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 10:26 pm

If the hostess will be offended, she isnt a good friend.

melalyse

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 10:53 pm

I'm going to be the odd one out here. How old is your DD? Does she know this sitter? I assume this sitter is responsible. Is the simcha @ night and DD might be sleeping? I feel like this is a one time event that I would want to be with my friend for it (of course my children come first if there is no option). If one of my kids are sick on a day that I usually work, I leave them home with the sitter.

de_goldy

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 11:04 pm

definitely stay home.
friend should understand.

33055

Sun, Mar 11 2012, 11:11 pm

melalyse wrote:

I am going to be the second odd one out. (Does that make us the even ones out?)

I would go if the friend paid for my meal already. I would go and not stay for a long time. If your daughter felt worse, then maybe I would change my mind.

amother

Mon, Mar 12 2012, 12:02 am

Quote:

I would go if the friend paid for my meal already. I would go and not stay for a long time. If your daughter felt worse, then maybe I would change my mind.

In making a simcha, the host should assume that a certain percent of people who responded that they will come will not actually come. That's normal. And if OP has a valid reason, I don't believe that the cost of the meal should make a difference. The friend will have to pay for the meal whether or not OP eats it. And if OP's child needs her, that's where she belongs.

(FTR, I'm very cautious about spending my own money and kal vachomer someone else's money.)

DrMom

Mon, Mar 12 2012, 12:22 am

Squishy wrote:

melalyse wrote:

At many Israeli simchas (at least at the catering halls we know of), you give them an approximate number of expected guests, but you only get charged for the meals for those who actually show up and sit for a meal.

In any case, I'd stay home.

melalyse

Mon, Mar 12 2012, 9:20 am

For me it is not about a meal being paid for. I feel that even when one of my children are sick, I am allowed to do something that I was planning on doing for myself. I would be different if it was C"vs a horrible illness. Sometimes a child could have fever for a weak, I feel that a parent can't cancel everything to be home with that child for a week. I feel that another family member or another caring adult can take care of my child for a few hours while I go to my friends simcha.

m in Israel

Mon, Mar 12 2012, 10:16 am

melalyse wrote:

This is a different point. The OP is not asking if she can do something for herself -- she is asking if people think the host/ hostess will be offended. If the OP specifically feels she really wants to go, but feels guilty leaving her child, your points would be very valid. However it seems clear the OP feels more comfortable being home for her child, and is just worried about insulting her friends. Assuming that's the case, I think the answer given by everyone else is right -- the hosts should be able to understand the concept that her sick child needed her, rather than take this personally.

FWIW, I recently missed the Bar Mitzva of a cousin's kid for this very reason. My 2 year old was running a low fever and throwing up, and I just wasn't comfortable leaving him with a babysitter. My husband was out of town, so only one of us going wasn't an option -- I was the only one who would have been going. I called up the cousin that afternoon and explained the situation, wished her Mazel Tov and said I'm so sorry I wouldn't be there. She completely understood and there were no hard feelings -- as someone else said, they're parents, too!!

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