So upset at HASHEM!

amother

Thu, Mar 22 2012, 11:02 pm

You know how everyone always says "with each child comes bracha"? Well its not true!!!!!! Since we had our most recent baby (who is b"h very cute and healthy), we have gone from not enough money to deeper and deeper in debt, with more bills and less and less money. We are in over our heads and everything dh and I are trying to do to make money is failing. Its all a bunch of lies, I am so angry at Hashem right now. I am never going to listen to a single Rav or Rebbetzin tell me sweetly "don't worry, when you have more children, Hashem sends the parnassah" cuz apparently its not true, not true at all. You can just keep having more kids and more kids and if Hashem decides there will be no money, then there will be no money and that's just that. We have had to borrow from relatives recently just to put food on the table, is that called bracha????? Argh I'm so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yael3

Thu, Mar 22 2012, 11:21 pm

I really hear your frustration.
I wonder though, if perhaps working on acceptance might help. What I mean is that if your relatives are Hashem's personal shlichim/shlichot for the moment to help you out, would you be able to live with that?
The money that comes to you from relatives is from Hashem too.
Ideally, we work, make a living, and support ourselves - or so we think!!
What if Hashem is sending you the message that He wants you to spend time at home and with your children and that He will take care of you in other ways - like getting cash flow loaned to you by relatives?
I know it is frustrating and I'm not taking that away from you.
I pray that you find happiness and a sense of self-achievement in work though for now... how about taking a break,. taking a breather, and letting Hashem continue to provide in ways He sees fit.
Hatzlacha!! Hugs!!!!

shalhevet

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 7:38 am

Look, we don't know enough from what you posted to say what happened, but we also have free choice with the money.

Maybe your problems are due to bad financial decisions months or years ago? Maybe you want to live on a standard of living that you can't? Maybe you or your dh need(ed) to work harder in the past or now? Maybe you don't have enough parnassa for a different reason, like your emuna isn't strong enough or it's a gezeira instead of, ch"v, someone getting sick or worse? Maybe now you can sell something (move somewhere smaller, sell a car) to bring in money/ lower your expenses?

There is nowhere that anyone is promised the standard of living most people take for granted today. If you and your children have food (even bread) and you have somewhere to live and one set of clothes (even from a gemach), that is called parnassa. Of course we can daven to Hashem and do hishtadlus for more than that, but it is not called not having parnassa.

Is there an organization near you that can give you advice on managing your money? What are your debts from? Maybe people here can give you practical advice if you post your income and expenses.

grace413

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 7:54 am

I'm sorry that you find yourself in a difficult financial situation. As you say that your baby is BH very cute and healthy, I understand that you have your priorities straight and love your new baby despite the financial hardships.

Sometimes the bracha doesn't come right away. Maybe in the future, this child will be the one helping you and DH out in your old age, financially and otherwise. I know that doesn't help pay the bills now but maybe the thought will help you hold on.

As other people said, perhaps you and DH can find a way to earn more money, sell something or if all else fails there are tzedkah organizations.

May you have nachas from all your children.

amother

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 8:15 am

Believe me, this resonates.
An odom gadol told us NOT to regret a moment of kollel, even though that got us in the slippery slope of credit cards. And I have to say the same for our kids. Find another posek for the future but don't let yourself get bitter over the ones who are here. I know that the kids who "wouldn't have been" had I made different choices are bringing us tremendous nachas. (ANd sometimes I have to wonder about the kids who might have been here.... But I don't let myself think about that too much.)

Tamiri

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 8:20 am

I heard that each child brings a bracha, not each child brings parnassa. I guess that's peirush Rashi.
It's nice to believe that each child brings a bracha. Then what do we say to the mother whose children were murdered this week in France? Or the mother of the bachur in my neighborhood killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago? Or the parents of fallen soldiers? Where's the bracha there? Or does a bracha come with an expiration date?
Which is why you should have children based on your abilities and personal beliefs and not meisehs or stories.

grin

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 9:07 am

none of us can ever know what our lives and finances would have been like otherwise - I have seen material bracha come with our children; others have not. perhaps s/he brought you a bracha of health or peace in your home?

I personally have always felt that the child is the bracha itself, esp. a healthy one.

I wish you much bracha and success in all and thank G-d every day for your generous relatives!! (yes, of course, you would prefer to fend for yourselves - but remember that there are those who live in poverty even without having children.)

mimivan

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 9:14 am

I notice you refer plans your husband and you have had to make money...these sound like short-term strategies, rather than actual jobs (forgive me if I am wrong). If you really feel this way, I think it is time for your husband to leave kollel. I was a kollel wife, and I think one's husband should only be in kollel if both the husband and wife should be at peace with it. Either your or he should find some kind of long term gainful employment Hashem Yaazor, and your fortunes, G-d willing will likely change. Perhaps Hashem sent you this nisayon so you or your husband can make a change.

At least you have relatives to borrow money from...there are people also without families.

Perhaps help will come in the 11th hour...but in any case, some shifting in priorities is needed, from the sound of it, so you can reap the full bracha of parnassa. just IMHO because I've been there, done that

Barbara

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 10:04 am

6,000,000 children die of hunger every year

In the US alone, more than 1 million children regularly go to bed hungry.

Also in the US, one in 45 children is homeless (on the streets, in shelters, or doubled up with other families)

Its pretty self-evident that Hashem doesn't send out additional means to support every new child who is born.

Tamiri

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 10:39 am

Barbara wrote:

Well, maybe it only applies to Jewish children? Certain Jewish children? Select Jewish children? Maybe it's a matter of luck, not bracha?

torquoise

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 10:49 am

I totally agree with you OP.
As much as I turn to our gedolim and talmidei chachamim in general for inspiration, this is one area where I really don't agree with them.

No, you cannot go on having more and more kids and say "Oh, we'll manage somehow." Because then I'm going to get an envelope in the mail, crying how your family of 9 children have no food for pesach. Bitachon is good, emuna is good, but you also need to face reality of today - basic standards of living cost ALOT of money. Tuition for frum schools is ALOT of money. Health insurance costs ALOT of money. Rent in frum communities often is WAY overpriced.

And if both parents (and the rest of the family) become stressed-out, burned-out and hopeless from not being able to provide the basic needs for their family, and they need to knock on doors to collect money for their daughter's wedding, WHERE IS THE BRACHA????

ElTam

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 12:17 pm

Don't be upset at HaShem. HaShem gave you and your DH free will, which you exercised to have another child. (And even if what the Rabbaim and Rebbitzens says is true a bracha isn't the same as parnassah.)

Get on BC and make a plan for how you can start earning more money or trimming your expenses. Hatzlacha!

amother

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 12:24 pm

torquoise wrote:

OP here- Ok I think I'm somewhat calmer then I was last night when I wrote the post...although I am still upset about the whole situation. Torquoise- what you wrote is exactly what I meant. Just because you go on having another kid, does not mean that money will come flowing in and I hate to say it but financial means have to be considered when deciding to have more kids. Its just the reality of life, you need money to live. Anyways, to all you posters who gave me chizuk thanks, to the other poster who just assumed that my husband is in kollel and makes not effort to work, I don't know why you jumped to that conclusion. My husband is not in kollel, he has been working, his job is not doing so well and its very complicated but we really have no money.

marina

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 1:04 pm

Tamiri wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Well, maybe it only applies to Jewish children? Certain Jewish children? Select Jewish children? Maybe it's a matter of luck, not bracha?

Next shnorrer who comes to my home asking for tzedakah for needy families in EY who don't have what to eat will get some information on how these families should just have more children instead of sending out someone to beg for them.

OP, I am so sorry that people lied to you.

amother

Fri, Mar 23 2012, 1:15 pm

My husband strongly believes that Hashem sends Parnosa. We got married with no extra money. I always believed having a plan where the money is coming from.

We got married and my husband was sick before w got married. Someone in the community have us enough money to get married and set up a home. My husband was given a job with an outrages salary for three first six months. Another short term gift. Things went very well for us with four cases. One was a PI, one was workerman's comp and the Supreme Court case and one was an estate case. The PI was a case that was lost years ago and won on Appeal and then settled.

My husband kept telling me that Hashem would send parnosa. All my husband's parnosa is in our cummunity. He has very nice parnosa and his parnosa comes from strange connections to people. One really big job came through imamother.

Did we plan? I don't think so. I have trouble wrapping my mind around this whole concept that Hashem is sending money through shlechas. Where is the messengers free will?

amother

Sun, Mar 25 2012, 9:08 am

I'm not sure if I agree with Marina. I don't think it's a matter of lying. I think its that the people who say these things don't have the broad shoulders of the leaders of old who would say something and then see it through and offer ongoing chizuk. Remember the story of Rav Chaim who had someone ask him a shaila about using milk for the four kosos?

torquoise

Mon, Mar 26 2012, 8:59 am

amother wrote:

Very good point.