Totally IRRESPONSIBLE! Please help.

amother

Mon, Apr 23 2012, 8:33 pm

My son (in junior high) is completely irresponsible when it comes to his school work. What can I do to help him learn how to be more responsible? PLEASE give me ideas. I'll do anything to help him learn to be a more responsible person.

Examples of things that he does or does not do:
He forgets to bring home the material to study for a test. (I make him get it from a friend so he could study so it's not like he knows he will get away with it. He simply forgets.)
He does not tell me about big school projects that are due.
He does not bring home instructions for big projects.
He does not do his homework if I don't check up on him.

To his credit, he wants to do well in school, he just seems to always forget to bring home his work...
How can I help him? Sad

TIA a million if you could give me any good advice that will help him!

amother

Mon, Apr 23 2012, 8:55 pm

I'm not a dr. But it sounds like ADD to me... (not ADHD since he does not seem hyper from what you described).

On the ADD questionnaires they ask about things like forgetting important things at home or at school. You can ask your pediatrician and they usually have questionnaires for the parents

If you can rule out ADD, then you can ask the teacher to sign the place where he writes his homework so you can know exactly what is for homework and your son will feel the need to write everything since the teacher is checking. I used to do this for some of my students... If this is too much for the teacher, then maybe they can write to you once a week if there are any upcoming tests or projects....

Good luck!

smilingmom

Mon, Apr 23 2012, 9:39 pm

Getting him evaluated might be beneficial and neccesarily in the long run, but for now, get your kid in the habit of making lists and writing everything down, that is how my add kid was able to compensate for her being forgetful. She had a notebook that she wrote everything in that she needed to do, including showering and making lunch. Everything got crossed off each day. It takes a long time to make daily list and to get used to the idea. But it worked very well for her.

amother

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 12:19 am

OP Here.

I appreciate the responses, but I should have added that I am not interested in diagnosing him as ADD here. That issue was discussed with his doctor.

I am looking for tips to help him become a more responsible student.

Smilingmom that notebook idea sounds interesting. I will ask him if it is something he'd be willing to do. Did your daughter make a list every morning and follow it throughout the day, or did she add things as she remembered them?

Any other ideas please?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 1:22 am

Possibly a tutor or mentor of some kind. There was a guy in a few of my classes in university who was the most scatterbrained person I had ever seen. His knapsack looked like a bomb had gone off of crumpled up papers. There was NO order in his life. But then he joined a group for students with learning disabilities and they focused on getting organized with him and months later he told me that his life is much changed, for the better and he even showed me his bag and there were folders and almost no papers flying all of the place.

I know that there are such tutors (or whatever they may be called) out there. maybe give this a try. Good luck.

5*Mom

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 1:25 am

Organizational skills are just that--skills that need to be learned, and can be learned. Not everyone with organizational challenges has ADD. Don't even go there. Also, calling a child irresponsible is a negative value judgment that doesn't give him the skills he needs either. It only makes him, and you, feel bad about himself. He just needs some help with organizational skills.

What I did for one of my kids was to consult with a home organization specialist (took less than 1 hour; not expensive at all) who sat with her and helped her work out a workable system with color coding, set places to store everything at home, and taught her how to write things down in a usable form. That's all it took and she is super on top of things now, more than 2 years later. If I would have described her before, everyone on this board would have diagnosed her with ADD!

smilingmom

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 8:02 am

amother wrote:

OP Here.

Smilingmom that notebook idea sounds interesting. I will ask him if it is something he'd be willing to do. Did your daughter make a list every morning and follow it throughout the day, or did she add things as she remembered them?

Any other ideas please?

She makes the list in the evening for the next day and adds to it through out the day and crosses off stuff as well.
She also had a study chart for midterms and finals. Mapping out what she studies each nite. it was realistic and she really stuck to it, with our help. The study chart was posted on our wall.

shirtsandskirts

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 8:36 am

I am shocked at how quick people are to label a child who has difficulties as ADD. ADD is a fairly new diagnosis, when I was in school there were many children like this (me, myself and I), and they needed to learn tools to become more responsible and on top of their work rather than take meds. If I would have just taken meds I would not be where I am today I needed to suffer the pain of doing poorly in school and learning to be responsible the hard way.
OP- I applaud you for wanting to put in the work to find ways to help him, rather than taking the easy way out.

I don't mean to offend anyone, I just think it is so over diagnosed. If a kid has any trouble in school it is automatically diagnosed as something. What changed from when I was in elementary school just 15 years ago?

m in Israel

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 9:03 am

amother wrote:

How can you help him become more responsible? BY STOPPING TO HELP HIM. Do not help him get copies of other kids notes when he forgets his. Do not drop off lunch or snack at school because he forgot, do not wake him in the morning let him take care of the alarm clock himself. Let him get punished, let him fail the test, let him be hungry. Life is the greatest teacher.

Believe me, I was that kid.

Although I agree with this concept in part, I'm not sure it is the right advise in this situation. Yes, it is important to let kids deal with the consequences of their actions-- but you also need to make sure they have the tools to correct these mistakes. I once heard Dr. Rona Novick say "If a child doesn't know how to read, we teach him how to read. If a child doesn't know how to do math, we teach him how to do math. If a child doesn't know how to behave. . .we punish him!" Shouldn't the logical ending be "we teach him how to behave"? Motivation plays a role in organization (and behavior) -- but so does learning the appropriate skills!!

I'm with the posters who recommended helping to teach him how to set up his bag and start using an assignment book. A consultant with a professional organizer or an occupational therapist may be helpful in guiding you to which systems/ skills will be most helpful to your son with his particular challenges. One common idea is that he get into the habit of writing down every assignment the teacher gives as soon as they give it, and immediately next to it write which materials must be brought home in order to complete this assignment. Then the assignment book also serves as a checklist as to what he needs to bring home each night. If the teacher is willing to work with him initially to double check his lists, that's great, but if not, maybe he has a friend who can be his "chavrusah" in this area for a bit and help double check his assignment book before he goes home. Also make sure he has some system of folders/ binders/ notebooks that works for him and helps him keep things organized. When every paper has a "home", he can put it away immediately and it is that much less likely to get lost. Some kids find it easier to have one set folder for "assignments and hw sheets" rather than a different folder for each subject. This way they don't need to remember which subject folders to bring home -- they just bring home the hw folder.

Good luck to you and your son!!

amother

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 3:52 pm

amother wrote:

OP Here

You might be right, but I don't want him to suffer by making mistakes. I want to help him in another way if possible.

amother

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 3:58 pm

5*Mom wrote:

OP Here
Thanks for your advice. The home organization specialist idea sounds interesting. Are there any specialists that specifically help disorganized children learn to become more organized?

Regarding calling him irresponsible. You are 100% right. I was venting here and I would not tell him how irresponsible I feel he is. It is difficult for a perfectionist mom to cope with a disorganized child and I have to bite my tongue quite often not to tell him what I think.

mha3484

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 4:51 pm

I was this child also and I am definitely ADHD but I can still share with you what helped me:

1) Having an assignment notebook that is legible and organized. I would write each assignment and the school social worker who was awesome checked it at the end of the day before I went home. I would make a list in my locker with a whiteboard of what books needed to come home with me so I saw it as I packed my bag. I had tutoring once a week in addition to the various services I received in school. The tutoring was used primarily for learning organizational and study skills. I still at 28 utilize these strategies.

2) I think a big problem for children and adults who have difficulties with organization is the feeling of being overwhelmed which results in work not getting done. I see this a lot in my self anyway. If you can show him how to take his test or project and break it into manageable tasks that he can accomplish it will do wonders for his self esteem and his grades.

3) My mom was very into logical consequences so if despite all of the support I had, I still did not bring something home that day or could not get my act together I had to deal with the teacher myself and explain why my work was not done. Often times this led to trips to my locker over the weekend to get the textbook I left there. I think it had some benefit as I learned how to communicate my needs and work with the teachers.

I really feel that these challenges have made me a more self aware and functional person. If I can give any other advice please let me know.

Sherri

Tue, Apr 24 2012, 8:50 pm

newima wrote:

First of all, for someone to be diagnosed, there are criteria that have to be filled. Labels from other random people don't count much. And medication is not the only way that ADD is dealt with. Usually there's CBT therapy and skills-teaching involved. Which is basically what others are suggesting.