My son is a loner...or so it seems

mommish613

Thu, Jun 07 2012, 10:42 am

So I know that not all boys need "best friends" as girls do.

My 3rd grade son is a seemingly happy child- but is very unique in that when he comes home he likes to chill out and do his own thing. He'll ride his bike for 10 minutes but then go back inside and play lego. He does not enjoy playing with any of the other boys in the neighborhood. He says he plays with kids all day in school and is not so interested in playing more when he gets home.

I constantly hear various boys names in school that are his "friends" and he seems happy with them but he rarely wants to invite them over after school and has gotten maybe 1 invite the entire year. Some of the other boys in the class use every opportunity to get together with other boys (I know this from speaking to other mothers).

I was told my some close relatives to leave it alone and eventually he'll grow out of it since everytime I've pushed him it backfired. I just wish there was something more that I could do since it is really hurting me knowing that he doesnt really have any solid friends...

Any advice from moms that have had a similar situation??

Sad

m in Israel

Thu, Jun 07 2012, 11:09 am

I was once involved in some training for teachers about teaching kids social cognition/ social skills and a very similar type of discussion came up. What about kids who are happy with less social interaction? They have no interest in large circles of friends, etc. For what its worth, the general consensus at this class was the key question is whether or not the child in question CAN have more friends if he wanted to. In other words, is this child avoiding playdates, etc. because he is CHOOSING to be alone? Because his personality is more introverted, he likes solitude, etc. Or is it just a cover for the fact that he doesn't know how to relate well to others, or the other kids don't want to play with him, so he says "Oh, I don't want to play with them anyway!"?

From what you wrote, it sounds like this is truly a choice he is making, but it might be worth looking into a bit more. Find out from his teachers if he plays with the other kids during school or not. Keep an eye out on the few times he is together with friends, and see if things seem to go smoothly. If he is having trouble in these areas, I'd try to work on ways to improve his social skills (you can search online for lots of great material). If he is not, then I'd back off and let him choose the level of social interaction that he is comfortable with. Not everyone needs a "best friend"

mommish613

Thu, Jun 07 2012, 11:28 am

Thank you- your info was extremely helpful!

Yes, according to his teachers he is VERY busy during recess playing with friends. Whenever speaking to them I am the one to bring up the social issue, not him. It's hard for me to judge a situation that I am watching because usually when I am watching its because I very strongly convinced him to come play with a friend and he knows that I am supervising. He will usually purposely disinterest himself or stay for only a few minutes because I co-erced him.

He definately does have an issue introducing himself to a "new kid on the block". He just doesnt have the personality to go over to someone and say "Hi my name is Dovid, whats yours...". Its just not his type.

I will continue to keep my eye out for what you mentioned, though I do agree that it's probably a choice on his part. I also learned my lession that coercing him to play with friends when he wasnt intersted can backfire.

Maybe he'll come around on his own... someday Confused