Nanny going out at night

amother

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 8:30 pm

I'm trying out a new nanny, and I have a number of issues with her. One of them is she decided to go out tonight without letting me know.
I understand she's an adult, and yes it was jsut about when her time finished- but it bothered me that she'd just walk out and say nothing.
this is my house after all, and it bothers me. I also have no clue when she'll be back.
Did anyone have a nanny and how did you handle this issue?
Thanks!

MaBelleVie

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 8:45 pm

You mean a live in? If you have certain expectations you need to sit down with her and lay it all out. She's probably doing was was acceptable at her last job.

It isn't fair to make her ask permission to leave once her official work hours are over. She deserves her independence. Be clear about her hours, give her a key, and instruct her on locking up if necessary.

abby1776

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 8:46 pm

I assume that she is a live in.
The key to any nanny reationship is good communication
You need to say to her, I expect you to be here from x hour to x hour. Its ok if you go out at night, but I expect you to be able to perform your job at x hour in the morning.
If she needs you to let her into the house you need to tell her that she needs to be back by xhour or she cant get in.
If you expect her to be home in the evenings to babysit you need to tell her that.

Its alot like amarriage - you need to communicate your expectations an dnot be afraid she will leave.

justcallmeima

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 8:50 pm

I don't understand why you would have an issue with her leaving when she's not working for you. It is totally expected that she is free to do whatever she wants when she is not in your house and "on your time". Most nannies are working other jobs on evenings and weekends so they can send money to their families in developing countries. Often they are supporting their own children or their parents and/or siblings. They don't always tell their employers that they have other side jobs because they worry that the employer will not like that, but they need to make extra money to send to their families. I don't understand why it would bother you what she does when she's not working for you. Yes it's your house, but she's not doing anything wrong in your house. She just went out. You didn't mention, what are the other issues you have with her?

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 8:59 pm

You say she went out "just about" when her time finished - did she cut her time? Did she leave the child(ren) unsupervised? Be clear about expectations for her work hours and how to hand off responsibility to another adult. But also understand that when she is off the clock, she is entitled to privacy.

SingALong

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 9:03 pm

As soon as her hours of work are over, my nanny/live in goes for her walk or out with friends. Her first day she asked me if it's ok and what time she should be back. I don't give her a key or combination, I told her I got to sleep this time please always be back by then. All her friends have similar arrangements by similar jobs. (A couple of times I needed her to stay in the house with sleeping kids while I went out, so I told her she can have her friends over to sit on the porch. )

amother

Tue, Jun 26 2012, 9:05 pm

She left about 5 mins early and the baby started crying right after.
She can go out, but I'd like to know, the same way anyone staying in my house should do the mentchlich thing and let me know first.
The other issues are not relevant here- (I do communicate with her, but she is not following anything I have told her nor written down for her, which is the main crux of the other issues).
I dont have a key, only a shabbos lock and there is no way she is getting that number- at least not yet (its only her first week).
A/how, if s/o has actual experience w/ a nanny I'd love to hear it.

Mrs Bissli

Thu, Jun 28 2012, 4:42 pm

We only have a live-out, but many friends have au pair or a live-in. I think most people stipulates how many evenings the nanny is expected to stay in (eg 2 or 3 nights), but remain flexible which night you/nanny get to take time "off". I think they usually decide a week in advance the following week's "rota". Quite a number of au pairs seem to be taking college or english courses in the evenings.

Being invited to friends' houses with au pairs (so I could hear/observe), they seem to just say bye or see you later without informing the family where they're going or when they're back. Some say to the children "see you tomorrow, be good to Mummy and Daddy". So I'm afraid I'm with others that I see nothing wrong with your nanny's behaviour.

As for your nanny not listening to what you asked, you just have to be patient and repeat till she gets it. Does she have difficulty with English? Just avoid sounding accusive, I find many people pretend they understand your instruction because they're afraid to admit they don't understand.

Leaving 5 minutes early won't bother me per se, so long as it's not persistent.

Last edited by Mrs Bissli on Thu, Jun 28 2012, 5:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

miky72

Thu, Jun 28 2012, 5:23 pm

I have an au pair.
She has keys to our apt and she can go out as soon as her hours of work are finished.BUT I told her from the beginning that if she is working the next day (and she usually starts at 7.30 AM) I want her to get at least 8 hours sleep so I want her back by 11pm.
If she is not working the next day she can come home at any time.I'm NOT her mother!
Good luck!

Gerbera

Thu, Jun 28 2012, 5:24 pm

I have a live-in nanny and what she does after her work is done is her business. In Canada room and board is subtracted from pay as part of sponsoring a live-in caregiver - so if she is paying for the room and board she can come and go as she pleases- why on earth should she have to tell you? That being said she always asks if it is ok to go out and I tell her of course! If your problem is with her leaving early you need to speak with her about that. Just because they are live-in shouldnt mean they need to be around after hours. Why should she have to tell you when she will be back too? As long as she is on time in the morning it's her business. If you dont have a key for the door- you have to work around that problem.

Raizle

Thu, Jun 28 2012, 6:58 pm

I happen to agree with the OP that when living in a household situation the polite thing to do when coming and going is to say hello and goodbye. it can be disconcerting to have someone come and go and not be sure if they are in the house or not.
this has nothing to do with giving permission to leave, it's simply common courtesy

amother

Sun, Jul 01 2012, 10:29 pm

Thanks all, she is not paying for room and board at all. I asked the agent, he said she can go but it is understood that she should let me know. A/ how after 3 days she quit- there were too many kids for her to handle.
For those that have nannies, would u mind sharing how u found them? I have called so many agencies with no luck.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Jul 02 2012, 6:23 pm

I haven't used agencies because fees are high, there's no guarantee the candidates stick to the job, and you still have to do vetting and checking the references anyway.

We've been fortunate--mostly used websites like gumtree and another local one. Though quality of candidates vary a lot. I mean, from someone who's more suited as a cleaner who can barely speak English to someone more appropriate. We do initial screening over the phone, invite the vetted candidates to come to our house, check the references then invite the final candidates again to spend 20min or so with the kids. Though # of responses do have inverse correlation with the # of kids.

Sorry to hear the live-in didn't work out, but good luck