Refusing Guests???

Pearl

Thu, Apr 28 2005, 8:38 am

okay, the subject title alone could get me into trouble here, but still I would like to ask a question:

did anyone ever refuse to receive a certain guest for shabbos/yom tov meal? like a person came over once, and was really obnoxious, is it possible not to have him over anymore, even when he keeps asking to be invited?
or is it all the way or no way with hachnasat orchim?

elisecohen

Thu, Apr 28 2005, 8:51 am

Well, I try not to ever refuse someone just because we don't like them particularly, I mean people who dh and I would say we just "don't get anything from" or can't hold a conversation with, but OTOH there are a couple of people whom we consider very bad influences for our children and whom we have therefore refused (with suitable excuses) when they have asked to stay for Shabbos.

We had a very unusual incident this yontiff though--a boy (well in his 20s) literally showed up at our door a few hours before the first seder asking to use the phone and it turned out he was Jewish and homeless. Needless to say we wound up with a Pesach guest. We arranged for housing for him with neighbors (we just didn't have room) and provided meals, then got him to social services Tuesday morning. Of course there's a lot more to the story, but how were we going to refuse someone who shows up erev Pesach hungry and shelterless!?!!

mom3boys

Thu, Apr 28 2005, 9:22 am

Not liking some one without a good reason is a problem a host has to deal with internally, however there are good reasons not to have some people in your home, maybe you can try to be accommodating and set this guest up with some other family.

My husband has a "friend" whom we have had in our home countless times, on his last visit an incident occurred which in my eyes disqualifies him from staying in our home ever again.

On Friday night we went to my sisters house for a meal, it was late and we put to of our older kids to sleep there. We came home before he arrived from his meal. The next morning it was nice and quiet in the house. While I was in bed, and my hubby in the washroom, I heard our guest stirring. A few minutes later, my hubby was face to face with our guest who had just come up the stairs shock

. He was surprised to see us at home and went back downstairs.

Understand this, in the basement where our guest was staying we have a full bathroom, on the main floor, there is a powder room, kitchen, living room. If one needs to use a bathroom, eat something, read a book, it is all down there. What was his reason to trespass our private space?

We feel that we are really quiet justified in our decision not to welcome this person into our home.

Tefila

Thu, Apr 28 2005, 10:10 am

Quote:

but OTOH there are a couple of people whom we consider very bad influences for our children and whom we have therefore refused (with suitable excuses) when they have asked to stay for Shabbos.

That I agree one has to be careful and sometimes the answer is no nicely but maybe to try to arrange othe occomadations w/h somone whose kids are already grown.In general after hearing some hair raising storys my husband usually checks out our guests w/out their knowledge ofcourse, b/c usually they tend to sleep by us too.
Since unfortunatley there are people out there that do crazy things to kids out there shock

Pearl

Thu, Apr 28 2005, 10:43 am

we are one of the very few kosher households in our city, so setting them up with others is hardly an option.
most of our guests are total strangers, which is why I am reluctant having them sleep over, as we have just one bathroom, and I find it difficult to share that privacy with strangers......

Motek

Thu, Apr 28 2005, 11:31 am

mom3boys wrote:

What was his reason to trespass our private space?

could you ask him?

if you don't ask him, you'll never know if he had a valid reason and you won't be inviting him again

if you ask him, you'll find out what he has to say, and if his answer is inadequate, he'll certainly understand why he's not invited again

queenie

Fri, Apr 29 2005, 4:36 pm

We know this one guy, in his 30's and we have invited him many times. But, he has also showed up 2 hours after dinner started, uninvited. He said he was supposed to go to the Rabbi's house but he wasn't home. (He didn't know the Rabbi was out of town and he is a regular there)

So he says to us, "Umm... I haven't heard kiddush yet." So that means he didn't eat either.

Another time he showed up at shul asking people if he could sleep over somewhere. So my husband comes home with him.

I said no more. I don't mind having unexpected guests, I don't mind last minute sleepovers, but not unexpected sleepovers after Shabbat has started. That's just not normal.

queenie

Fri, Apr 29 2005, 4:37 pm

Oh yeah, I forgot to add, he does this all the time. I have heard he has asked other people at shul if he could sleepover. No one knew where he lived and it was winter so we felt bad.

Guess what? He lives about a half hour walk away!!

Pearl

Mon, May 02 2005, 4:02 am

queenie, I know the type.....there is a man here who does that too, he's about 60, and he crashes at people's houses forever. my husband brought him over for a whole shabbos, and he almost didn't want to leave, + he was a little too friendly with our daughters, which was quite annoying................

another thing I wanted to run by you all - and I know it's shallow, but still...
what do you think about people who are not regulars at your home, are invited properly, and show up empty handed? and I am not talking about bochorim here, but ppl with a decent income.

queenie

Mon, May 02 2005, 10:05 am

First off, the bochurim I have had over are so polite and they even help. I have to stop them from thanking me. They really do show their appreciation. I tell them they have to sing for their supper!! or at least "bring" a devar Torah.

Sometimes bochurim that we know have helped us in other ways too. Like some that we have over have come and helped us in the house to move furniture etc.

I think that sometimes hosts are taken for granted by (mostly single) guests. They think that hosting people is something that we are just supposed to do so why should they thank us or bring something.

queenie

Mon, May 02 2005, 10:13 am

I know this one family that always has single people over - like 10 at a time or so. They do this about once or twice a month.

Before Shabbat my friend called me and said, "I forgot to tell you, don't bring anything, they don't like it!" she said, this family doesn't need another box of fattening chocolates or another bottle of wine. Don't waste your time or money. Do something more useful if you want to thank them like a donation in their honour. Apparently everyone that knows them knows this and no one ever brought anything. But, you should see the wall in their kitchen of donation cards.

You know how when you donate money in someone's honour they send the card to the honouree? Well, if each person gave at least $10 there must have been HUNDREDS OF $$$$ in donations there. Now that is a way to thank someone!!

Pearl

Tue, May 03 2005, 6:27 am

that's a beautiful way of thanking people!
and still, it's a token of appreciation.
I think it's rude if people show up empty handed. I feel we are being taken for granted. our house is one of 3 kosher households in the city where guests are welcome (one of them is the rabbi's house Wink

) so you can imagine we get quite a few. now, it's common knowledge that one of the 3 families gets financial assistance from the community for feeding guests, but we don't (not that we want to!), and we do go through a lot of trouble, which is fine, but still, would appreciate a thank you......most of them don't help, btw, so also different kind of thank you's don't come our way.
yes, I know, shallow etc......