Going to Manhattan alone?

amother

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:25 pm

Do you think it is reasonable for a 14 year old 9th grader to take the subway to the city with friends (from Brooklyn)? Dd is desperate to go, she has friends who already did this last year. It seems so premature to me! The train, the city, alone?! I will mention that dd is mature, intelligent and capable in this general, but still! The subway and Manhattan unsupervised? I know I need to make the decision for myself, not follow others, but I am so curious if people here think this is reasonable or that I am being overprotective....

abbyatoms

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:33 pm

When I was that age (not frum), about a decade ago, my mother would not allow me to go. But my friend's mother did and thought it was "so important" that she let me lie to my mother and say I was at her house when we went!! We didn't get into any trouble, just did some shopping. I'd say keep it to daylight hours and hope your daughter is more trustworthy than I was!

amother

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:38 pm

abbyatoms wrote:

I did my share of sneaking around too, is this carmic retribution Sad

? I am just surprised that other parents are permitting this. But perhaps I am wrong? I would love to hear opinions on this....

perquacky

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:40 pm

In this age of cell phones, you can be in (almost) constant communication with your daughter. Lay down some guidelines before she goes, like having her check in before she gets on the train and when she gets off. Make sure she has a safe place to keep her money and that she knows exactly how to get to where she's going. NYC is pretty safe, especially in the daytime, if you're smart. You could probably say the same about any big city.

amother

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:43 pm

sequoia wrote:

Well, people actually live in Manhattan, you know.

And many, many kids take the subway every day to school from a younger age than that.

The city is really safe.

I hear you, I sort of considered this. I grew up taking the subway back and forth to Manhattan-- latchkey kid here, in the 70s/80s with Dad living there and mom in Brooklyn. I took the subway throughout high school and college, grad school, working, etc. I guess I just picture some of the long tunnels and difficult transfers, some of the more unsavory characters....

zaq

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:45 pm

If she were going all by herself, if she were a goofy dreamer who couldn't be trusted to find her way out of a paper bag, if they were going at night, I'd hesitate. But mature, intelligent, capable girls going during the day with a group of friends? Unless the friends are known to be on the wild side and your dd easily swayed, what's the problem? Any trouble they can get into in Manhattan they can get into in Flatbush. You think the Brooklyn Bridge is a kind of force field that repels pickpockets, drug addicts, perverts, or drunk drivers?

I assume you long ago gave her the talk about not talking to strangers, not flashing her money or her cell phone, keeping her money separate from her keys, not buying from street vendors, keeping her hand firmly on her bag and not letting it dangle from her shoulder, and all the other street-smart personal safety rules. Not because she's going to Manhattan but because these rules apply everywhere. Even in Brooklyn Ir haKodesh.

amother

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:48 pm

perquacky wrote:

I suppose it is also that my dd has no subway experience whatsoever, whereas by the time I started traveling on my own, I had been riding the trains my entire childhood. Dd grew up being chauffeured around in a minivan. Vastly different childhood than mine.

Thanks for helping me work through this. I seem to be getting mostly affirmatives....

seeker

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 8:48 pm

I think it's reasonable. You want to make sure before giving your OK that she knows where she's going and what she's doing, and you approve of the friends she's going with as well as the plans.

amother

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 9:04 pm

zaq wrote:

on several counts

Dh is kind of leaning toward the let her go side.

amother

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 9:25 pm

she wouldn't be going alone. She would be going in a group.

The key word is group. One of the most important things to impress upon her is to stay together at all times. She shouldn't go to the bathroom herself or to pay herself etc. They should stay together. If they are together then its no less safe than anywhere else.

dancingqueen

Sat, Oct 13 2012, 11:48 pm

OP at that age I was definitely taking the subway myself. And now, of anything things are even safer. Most neighborhoods in manhattan are very safe more than Brooklyn IMO. As long as its during the day they will be fine, the subway really isn't scary.

Peanut2

Sun, Oct 14 2012, 1:41 am

I took the subway with friends when was about 15. I didn't live in the NY area either, but in a small town.
I'd go visit friends from camp and we would hang out in the city all day.

Now, these friends weren't from bklyn so we got to skip out on the bklyn trains, which might be a bit sketchier. Otoh at 18 I would take trains in manhattan alone at night.

ray family

Sun, Oct 14 2012, 5:01 am

I did. If it makes you nervous I'd question why your 14 yr old wants to go to the city? is there not enough to do where you are?
if it was my daughter I would just request for her to be home earlier rather than later. the trains do get a bit sketchy later on at night

jflower

Sun, Oct 14 2012, 5:13 am

Why does she want to go to Manhattan????? Because it's an exciting, energetic, happening kind of place. The other boroughs are fine, but they're not Manhattan which has a life and magic all its own.

I would definitely allow her to go with a group of friends, as long as I emphasized the cautions already mentioned by other imamothers. Another one if she or any of her friends has a smartphone or other device like a tablet: DON'T flash it in public. That's it. I hope she has a blast.

[u]

chocolate moose

Sun, Oct 14 2012, 6:18 am

we can't shelter our kids forever. op, didn't you ever take your kids shopping or sightseeing on the train?

I work in manhattan and see many of my doctors there; when dd needed to see a dermatologist, she would accompany me on my way to work, see the dr, and then go back by herself. first I took her the whole way, then I just took her to the train. we worked in stages.

but op's daughter is going in a group. op sounds sheltered to me, or perhaps she doesn't live in brooklyn. the train is a way of life here.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Oct 14 2012, 6:29 am

When I was 13, in 8th grade, back in 1992, I was traveling on the city bus, alone, from NJ to manhattan every so often, not even wit friends. It was fine. No cell phone and I knew where I was meeting the person at the other end.