Home

Foster Parents - To Be or Not To Be
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


ButterflyGarden




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 6:37 am
There was a tragedy in our community that left two children without their sibling and parents. These children had a hard life until now and really need stability. They are currently in a hospital ICU recovering. When they are released, they have nowhere to go. DH and I are considering taking them home with us until a permanent situation can be found for them. Is anyone here a foster parent? What should we be considering before we make our decision?
One thing I have thought of is that the oldest is 10. That's just 14 years younger then we are. Also we have to find out if we can financially handle feeding and clothing two more children. We are a kollel family with two children (16 months and 5 1/2 weeks).
My heart breaks for them, and when I think about it I cry, but I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing.
Back to top

shalhevet




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 6:41 am
I have a friend who fosters, who lives in Yerushalayim. You can pm me for her number. As far as financial arrangements, is it throught the social services? Because then I think you get a good monthly allowance plus expenses.

You should think very carefully what consequences this will have on your dh's learning and your own children. Don't do it out of pity. Get plenty of info and know exactly what you're getting into. If you can do it, it is a tremendous mitzva. B'hatzlocho.
Back to top

smiley:)




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 8:46 am
RivkaBatya-
Though I can't help you on the foster issue, I think I know the case you are speaking of and it's really admirable for you to want to jump in, even if you decide not to do it. I keep wondering what will be with these poor kids! Yasher koach to you.
Back to top

Marion




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 8:47 am
How old were their siblings? Are they used to being the oldest/youngest/in between? How many children were there? Do you think they'll thrive being helpers to your children and sharing in the household responsibilities, or do you think they'll wilt if you expect them to pitch in? Was their family at a similar level of observance as you are, or is there going to be a mismatch (not as frum, so your restrictions will be intolerable, or more makpid, so they won't view you as frum)?

I'm asking these questions because I assume you would treat them as your own children, and I assume that as your babies get older you'll expect certain things of them.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 9:10 am
I admire your wishes - I always wanted to foster kids cause of some negative fostering for a short time when I was a kid. But unfortunately I have tough kids and a hard life now so it is out of the question. You have to think of your sholom bayis level and the emotional heartache these kids are having cause it is heavy duty losing your family and then expecting things to be normal. Did they have other issues before or were they run of the mill kids. All this and more must be taken into account. Nobody likes to be running from home to home either - cause then it's like not having a home at all. So how long term or short term can you do this should also be asked of yourselves. To parent a 10 year old at 24 would be very difficult yet not entirely impossible. The gov't would assist for financial care and therapy, etc. so long as you don't actually adopt them - in cases of adoption the burden becomes yours. Tizku l'mitzvos for even thinking about it and maybe that will help find a plan in the long run for them!
Back to top

momofgirls




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 10:11 am
I took in a nephew of mine. There are many things involved and you need to take them all into consideration, How old are the children you are thinking of taking in. I took a 9 yr old an dmy kids were at that time 6-7 months & 18 months. if you'd like you can pm me. I will try to be a help
Back to top

NumberOneMommy




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 11:31 am
I grew up with a foster child that my parents took in for 8 years. He was 5 months old when my parents took him in. I adored him and took very good care of him. however some of my other siblings suffered because he needed alot of extra help. Even though my parents treated him like there own child my siblings new he wasn't and they just resented it. I guess since your kids are young they might not notice a diff. whatever you do goodluck and tizku lmitzvos.it's an amazing thing to do
Back to top

shalhevet




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 2:13 pm
Having thought about this, some other points to ponder:
If they are in the ICU now, does that mean they will also need medical/ physical help when they come out of hospital, as well as a lot of emotional help? Might they need you in the middle of the night? Will that mean you might have to get up for four needy children every night? Will they need medical follow up - keeping doctor/ hospital appointments? Will you be able to do that with two babies in tow?

I'm not trying to say you shouldn't do it, only that you have to carefully weigh up all the factors and see if it is realistic to be able to take care of the needs of your own family as well as two other children.
Back to top

Motek




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 3:38 pm
shalhevet wrote:
You should think very carefully what consequences this will have on your dh's learning and your own children. Don't do it out of pity. Get plenty of info and know exactly what you're getting into. If you can do it, it is a tremendous mitzva. B'hatzlocho.


Although I DO understand why you make these points and enumerate the questions in your second post, and I understand the concerns of the other posters, STILL - or on the other hand, I am shock

Don't do it out of pity?! Think of the consequences?!

This woman has thought about doing this tremendous mitzva, which doesn't have to be a lifetime commitment, and yet there hasn't been ONE ENCOURAGING POST.
Back to top

shalhevet




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 3:48 pm
Because if she doesn't take all the consequences into account before going for it, it will not help anyone. I said not to do it out of pity, because that is just an emotional decision and here you need a good deal of seichel as well. Her husband and children come first and they have to get all the facts and sit down and weigh up if their circumstances and personality will allow them to do all that they take on themselves properly. If she decides she is able to then it will be wonderful for all concerned.
Back to top

smiley:)




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 3:52 pm
Also, as I said before I think it is a very commendable thing to even consider this. But one thing to consider also is how much emotional baggage these children have already given their own situation, and how it will or wont rub off on the family. But without knowing them at all, but just hearing about the situation, it sounds like they sure could use some stability.
Back to top

smiley:)




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 3:53 pm
Also, as I said before I think it is a very commendable thing to even consider this. But one thing to consider also is how much emotional baggage these children have already given their own situation, and how it will or wont rub off on the family. But without knowing them at all, but just hearing about the situation, it sounds like they sure could use some stability.
Back to top

withhumor




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 18 2007, 5:41 pm
I have relatives who fostered and also adopted. The only issue that I would find difficult is yichud, round the clock. It’s a real issur and that’s scary to be careful with. Dealing with the kids rebellion and all that… that’s part of life and if your heart is big enough, you can hold out until moshiach comes!
Back to top

farmom




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jan 20 2007, 9:38 am
I know a couple in Israel that adopted/fostered (not sure) a 12? year old boy from a broken home. Now he's about 13, and they are amazing for him.
They're also about 10 years older than him, and have 2 or 3 little kids, under 4.
They are amazing ppl, and let him develop into his own person, without pushing their standard of yiddishkeit on him, yet they demand certain things from him and teach him responsibility and maturity.

They are really special ppl and definitely worth talking to. PM me for their info if you are interested
Back to top

supermom




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jan 20 2007, 11:39 am
My parents took in two kids that are still around till today. But in the years she has taken in all together around ten. My youngest sister at that time was three years old. A lot of times when something is just temporary means a lifetime.
Back to top

ButterflyGarden




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 21 2007, 3:44 am
We are still trying to get information about the situation. I do know that the children had emotional problems before the accident and want to make sure that we would be the right people to help them. As of right now, we definitely would need financial help. Long term, I don't think we would adopt them (the father is still living, but is in jail, or will be after he is released from the hospital. I know it is for killing an arab in self-defence). I've been told that they do have family here, but they are totally chiloni.
Back to top

Motek




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 21 2007, 5:26 pm
about husband and children coming first - of course I understand that (I was a foster parents too and made my own cheshbonos) BUT it still grates on my ears. I think of biographies I've read about people, some not even famous, who had open houses and made no cheshbonos when it was a matter of hachnosas orchim. Makes me and my calculations look mighty petty and selfish.
Back to top

ButterflyGarden




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 22 2007, 1:48 am
Is there any kind of training you get before the children are given to you? Like how to help them cope or adjust?
Back to top

shalhevet




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 22 2007, 2:27 am
The social services here will help you, give advice etc throughout the process.
Back to top

sarahd




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 22 2007, 4:12 am
Motek, if it's not a thought-through decision, and RB takes the children and later decides she can't handle them so gives them up, then the children will have gone through another trauma and another seperation and will be worse off than before. It's definitely something that needs to be thought through very thoroughly.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Going to parents for shabbos
by amother
7 Thu, Dec 05 2019, 5:59 pm View last post
ADHD parents please help!!!! Guanfacine for ADHD
by amother
25 Thu, Nov 21 2019, 5:49 am View last post
If your parents/in laws paid down payment on house...
by amother
143 Wed, Nov 13 2019, 11:07 am View last post
ISO Tour Guide for my parents in Israel... 6 Sat, Nov 09 2019, 7:07 pm View last post
Adoptive parents went on TV to shame daughter now look bad
by amother
5 Thu, Nov 07 2019, 5:06 pm View last post

Jump to: