My 13 yo ds and his harmless fun

amother

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 4:45 pm

Is there any way to stop him or can he actually be punished? He keeps on bothering his younger siblings just to see how they'll react. I ask about being punished because usually one gives a punishment for them to learn their lesson and understand they did something wrong. He knows he's doing something wrong. What he does is not terrible, but of course the younger ones don't appreciate it. Do I just have to wait for that phase to pass? Sad

amother

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 5:23 pm

spring13 wrote:

I don't understand why you would let him persist. otherwise you're telling him that it's ok to pester his sibs and you're telling the younger ones that their feelings don't count.

Who says I let him persist? Each time he does it, I tell him to stop. I'm asking is there any way to stop him for good and is it worthwhile to punish him.

zaq

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 5:34 pm

Just saying nicely "stop that" may work for some kids (really? Stepford kids, maybe) but it is clearly not working for your ds. therefore, there must be consequences, otherwise you're a paper tiger with no teeth, to mix a couple of metaphors.

decide what consequences might fit the crime, inform ds that he is not to torture his sibs or the consequences will be invoked, and then invoke them.

Possibilities: he has to do some service for the kid/s he annoyed, like take their turn at washing dishes or whatever chores your children do. ( I don't advise having him make their beds lest he short-sheet them. ) If you fear that the sibs may deliberately provoke him for the pleasure of having him take over their chores, have him do something else for the household as a whole, or pay a fine to you, or deprive him of some privilege or treat.

ElTam

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 5:49 pm

Yes, there should be a consequence for doing what you know is wrong. The sooner he learns this the better.

School doesn't just tell you to stop when you are acting out. You are suspended or expelled.

An employer doesn't just tell you to stop being late each time you show up late to work. You get your pay docked and eventually you get fired.

And if you break the law you get a ticket, a fine, or worse. Whether I know I was speeding or not isn't relevant, I still get the ticket. (If I truly don't know the rule, there is a chance I could get off with a warning. If I know the law I am breaking I am more likely to get the ticket.) Same with your son. The fact that he knows he is breaking the rule to my mind means it is more imperative that he has a consequence/punishment.

I would work out with his father what the punishment will be. Work out three or four escalating punishments that you know will be meaningful for him. Take away things he likes or assign him extra chores, whatever is going to be the thing that gets through to him. Sit down and explain that you have tried to speak to him about his behaviour, and that everyone has the right to feel safe and happy in their home, and since he cannot respect that for his siblings there will be a consequence each and every time he offends. Be very clear on what you want him to stop doing, with examples. Let him know the first punishment and that the punishments will escalate in severity if the continues to break the rules. And then follow-through each and every time.

Kids are not dumb. Deterrents work unless you are dealing with a kid who needs outside intervention because of emotional or cognitive issues.

spring13

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 6:06 pm

If there are no consequences to his actions, why would he stop? Punishment doesn't necessarily mean spanking or something like that. Either he can lose a privilege or be given extra chores. The fact that he knows he's doing something wrong means that kal v'chomer he should be given some kind of consequence.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 6:06 pm

I agree with what has already been said. Establish some rules you can enforce comfortably, and enforce them.

Be sure to enforce positively as well as negatively. Kids act out when they are in need of attention, and poking a sibling can work really well, because sometimes the one that squawks is the one that gets in trouble -- a double "win." Counter that by commenting every time someone does something good for each other. Maybe consider starting a family project where everyone gets a point, token, or sticker for doing something kind, and treat the family to something special when a goal has been reached.

servewithjoy

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 6:10 pm

I find myself wondering why you are calling this behavior which you say you want to stop "harmless fun"? Are you being sarcastic? Or are you unclear as to why this behavior is not okay with you and you want him to stop it? If this is the case, then it can help to get clear first about what you think about this behavior or you may find yourself giving him mixed messages.

greenfire

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 7:13 pm

13 is old enough to know that pestering is rude and quite the opposite of how a brother should behave & most certainly not fun in any manner ...

he should be looking out for their well-being ... perhaps you can find some positive way to instill this side of being a big brother so that he no longer wishes to pester the little ones

granolamom

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 8:32 pm

often, persistent misbehavior is a childs way of letting you know he needs something that he isnt getting. so in addition to a consequence (which I think is in order here, the younger sibs need to know you are protecting their rights), it sounds to me like an attention seeking behavior. he bugs them, you come running to tell him to stop and he's got your attention. I'd think about it and see if maybe he could use a bit more one on one with you or special outings or privileges or whatever. not saying to reward the behavior - discipline first and elsewhere fill the need so he doesnt have to look for it inappropriately.
but of course I have no idea whats going on based on one post. its just something to think about..

naomi2

Thu, Dec 13 2012, 8:54 pm

sounds like he's either bored or needs to be taught some social skills.... why dont you privately say that you noticed hes been bothering his siblings lately (give examples) and ask him why he thinks he does this. (hes bored, wants attention...?) how does he think it makes his siblings feel (hurt, angry...) and , how will they start to behave if he continues this behavior (theill be mean back, their tell on him, avoid him) and how will he feel as a result of the new treatment he'll be getting from his siblings. (hurt, lonely, bored...). if hes just bored and pestering other because he feels like it, you can brainstorm about better activities to help keep him occupied. maybe tell him you'll video him pestering his siblings and play it back for him so that he can get a different perspective of how strange and hurtful his behavior looks. how his behavior affects how his siblings think about him. this is not meant to be sneaky and ridicule him, just privately help him gain another perspective of the matter.
also,as the other posters said, consequences must be in place before the behavior is exhibited so that your all calm and proactive and the other children don't start thinking that you are ok with his behavior..