How can I get my daughter to take better care of herself?

amother

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 11:25 am

My fourteen-year-old daughter really isn't into her looks or grooming. She's got a nice uniform and basic weekend clothes, and will usually wear jewelry on Shabbos but no other times, and doesn't seem to care what her hair looks like- she brushes it and puts it back in a pony.

She showers every two to three days, closer to three if I don't remind/bug her. Her hair is really oily and needs to be washed more often, but she doesn't see that, or doesn't care. She also has persistent acne that she treats only semi-regularly.

I don't need her to dress fancy, as long as she's neat. A ponytail is fine, if it's neat. But she needs her hair to be clean, and she needs herself to be clean, and she needs to take care of her acne. Aside from the obvious hygiene issues, she has some social challenges in school and it is important that she be well-groomed. Her guidance counselor has specifically mentioned this to me, though she understands the challenges.

She feels she is too old for charts, and doesn't like getting reminded to do things like this. Also, she will only shower at night (can't go to school with wet hair, won't blow dry) and often goes to bed after me. Sometimes, when I ask her in the morning if she showered the night before and she says yes, I'm pretty positive she's lying to me. And leaving it all alone (saying nothing) hasn't helped things get any better.

Ideas?

MrsDash

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 11:35 am

Maybe send her to something along the lines of a day spa. Show her how good one feels after getting pampered. A facial, nails, and hair done, wax, etc. It could influence her decision on how she cares for herself. Also, if she feels good about herself, meaning she has healthy confidence, she may be more inclined to take care of her outer self to match up with how she feels on the inside. Do you have a JCC or gym near by she could join? Exercise is an incredible way to raise one's confidence. Any time she does put in effort, even if it doesn't seem like a lot to others, make a big deal in her case. Compliment your daughter, and show that you recognize how hard she is working.

greenfire

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 11:48 am

this is where training them while still young matters - a lot of people just expect their kids to wash themselves and all they do is go in & get wet ... it effects the teen years when they are so vulnerable to classmates and their opinions

I would suggest going to walmart with her and purchasing together some grooming products to make her feel she is special ... make it fun along with a plastic case to hold them in

include nail clippers, a metal nail-file, acne wash & cream, body scrubby, soaps, shampoos, brush, hair clips, etc.

she should take a shower before supper - this way you don't have to worry if you go to sleep

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 12:01 pm

I think it's important to pick and choose whatever is most important. Based on what you list, I'd say social skills and hygiene would be on the top (lots of teens don't care about hairstyles and wear a pony, and that's fine.)

If your DD can't be trusted about hygiene then you may need to be on top of it a bit more. Like another poster mentioned, have her shower earlier so you can be sure she's done it. Indulging in some fun products, or taking her to a beauty salon for a wash, cut, and blow-dry, may encourage positive associations with being clean and neat.

Since you are in touch with her school guidance couselor, what suggestions does she have for helping your DD improve her social skills? Good social skills are so important, they can't be emphasized enough, and being left behind for the lack of them can be very frustrating and painful. Sometimes, a few sessions with a social skills therapist where indicated is an investment for success for a lifetime.

amother

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 12:14 pm

OP

Greenfire, very true. Since this has become an issue, I have instituted daily showering requirements for all the kids in the family capable of showering themselves, and I check on them every so often. This "every two or three days" pattern started when I had to give baths and supervise showers, because it was/is impossible to do daily, so I staggered them. That pattern stuck, I guess, and now I cringe every time I tell my 4 year old that no, you can't have a bath tonight because I have no time. And that's what my 14-year-old tells me- she has no time, is exhausted, etc.

Can't shower before dinner, because of when she comes home. She basically walks in the door and eats, then straight to homework. And I love the idea of getting her products, and have bought her a succession of shampoos that she uses together with her prescription shampoo for the oil. I may have finally hit on a good one- it's Free and Clear, because she doesn't do well with fragrances.

CM- I do know that, that she hates it. I hated it too, just like when my mom tried to encourage me to spend more time with friends. So I try to lay off, but it's hard!

amother

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 5:17 pm

amother wrote:

That's funny, because my mom would describe me the same way. I'm not into my looks or my grooming. I have plain black skirts and basic shirts and shells. I usually wear jewelry on Shabbos if I remember (purely l'kavod Shabbos, because honestly, I don't really care about it), but not during the week. And I have a beautiful sheitel but don't usually bother with it. I just wear a snood, a pre-tied, whatever's most comfortable.

amother wrote:

She showers every two to three days, closer to three if I don't remind/bug her. Her hair is really oily and needs to be washed more often, but she doesn't see that, or doesn't care. She also has persistent acne that she treats only semi-regularly.

Okay, so I do shower every night. But as a kid, I remember there being nights when I was just too busy to be bothered with showering. It was such a pain. So I would sometimes shower without washing my hair. I had long hair, and it was just too much trouble sometimes. I also had acne. Whatever. I wasn't friends with people who judged me based on my acne. And eventually, it went away. I survived.

amother wrote:

She feels she is too old for charts, and doesn't like getting reminded to do things like this. Also, she will only shower at night (can't go to school with wet hair, won't blow dry) and often goes to bed after me. Sometimes, when I ask her in the morning if she showered the night before and she says yes, I'm pretty positive she's lying to me. And leaving it all alone (saying nothing) hasn't helped things get any better.

Charts for a 14 year old? Nah. I think you need to hear her out. IT's obviously important to you that she be well-groomed, but it's just as obviously not important to her. She sees you as trying to control her, trying to make her do things that you think are important, but she obviously just can't be bothered.

Have you talked to her? Why doesn't she treat her acne often? Does she think that other people care when her hair is oily? If she doesn't, what motivation does she have to wash it, other than to make her mom happy (not a high priority for a fourteen year old)?

I think she needs some friends who don't care so much about these things. Is she in a school where there are girls like this? I know my friends from ms and hs were like this. They didn't care that I wore my hair in a sloppy ponytail, my glasses were always askew, and I didn't care for clothes, jewelry, or makeup. They cared that I was a friendly, happy person (I hope!) who was fun to be with.

I did go to camp one summer where there were no people like that. Everyone was into clothes and makeup, and everyone judged those who were not as put together as they were. I was miserable there.

amother

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 8:00 pm

My Dd is about 10 years older than yours. She has social issues and does not shower and has terrible acne. When I get exasperated and yell at her. She just ges angry at me. She also hated showering when she was a teenager but at least her skin was better.. I don't have any advice, does she proabably have a low self esteem and doesn't care about herself. I think therapy is they best way to go, to just help her. At this point my dd tells me when she doesn't shower. Who cares, I am not going out so why should I be clean. I try to tell her it for herself and she does nt see it Good luck to you and I hope you can change your dd , I certainly am not able to change my dd and she is not a happy person.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 12:18 am

I would leave it alone and not say anything because I think that is making it worse.

Acne is so emotionally painful. But you are a little off base when you say it can be treated. A doctor can, a bit, but it basically does what it wants. It is coming from inside. One thing that helps a little is washing the face only with cold water, not warm or hot.

Make sure your bathroom is attractive and convenient. Get new towels and put a brighter light in it. Cheerful and pretty.

Get her a nice thick bathrobe and don't say anything. Her hair clips for the ponytail should be expensive.

Ask her if she wants to see a dermatologist for the acne. Confess you don't know anything about it, beause you don't. Let it be between her and the doctor, a woman. If she goes regularly to a trusted dermatologist, that person can give her hygiene lectures that will be listened to, because it is not her mother. But not on the first visit. She must like the doctor first.

Make sure DD has nice nightgowns and slippers, and goes to bed feeling sweet and pretty. Make sure the light is bright in the area where she gets dressed.

If she doesn't do well with scents - get all unscented soaps! That may be part of her reluctance. But without saying anything!

If your community pierces ears on 14 year old girls, do that, using small pearls, not gold. Consider buying her a genuine necklace of small pearls, for Shabbos. Fake pearls are ok too. The white of the pearls will look better on her than the yellow of the gold, because of the acne.