Baalei Teshuva Raising Frum/Chasidishe Kids

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zuncompany

Tue, Oct 26 2004, 10:11 pm

amen sister!

Ozmom

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 1:48 am

"Yichus is a bunch of zeros, you can either put the 1 at the beginning or at the end"

amother as an FFB I apologise for all the narrow minded FFBs out there that have caused you pain and hurt and I hope I can make a stronger effort to invite over more and make a part of my home the Bts in my life.

zuncompany

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 8:33 am

Ozmom, its those addituded that will help solve the situation. I was talking to my husband last night cause we were trying to redivy up the maaser money cause the situation changed and we were trying to decide how much where. It became a whole discussion about this very topic that amother brought up. We do feel abandoned. Honestly. Certain people and shluchim took interest in us as single individuals. When we first got married we had a million invites. We were booked months in advance. This past Yom tov... nothing. Not a single invite. But the second their chabad house needs funds who do they call cause my husband has a "good" job. It is the shaliach who makarved my husband in the end and the ones who made our shidduch who will reap the benefits... why? Cause they still care. They reap the benefits not cause we are giving them huge sums of cash... but because they are watching and helping us raise a chassideshe home. They still care. They still call. The husband of the couple that made our shidduch calls and learns with my husband once a week over the phone. They have come to every simcha (even the boys brisim... they are 6 hours away too). They even call us when they need a break to come for shabbos. They have made us extra memebers of their family. So, when I do have a problem I can call her like a sister and cry on her sholder. And she does the same to me.
Sara

amother

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 9:43 am

Thank you, OzMom,
for your understanding.

ForeverYoung
Guest

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 10:06 am

Amother, I'm with you in all you said above.

A while ago, I red an interesting essey written by an FFB.
They help a girl to get married. Basicaly, they replaced her family & filled the roles of her parents during the preparations & simha.
The author felt that she treated a girl just like her own child,
and was very pleased with herself. It was a great mitzva, that she was fullfilling.
Shortly after the wedding her own daughter got engaged. Boy, was she delighted! However, as the hasuna preparations were taking over more & more of her time, she began to realise that she did not treat the adopted girl like her own child. The author realised, that she treated the girl as a 'mitzva'. Most of the pride that she felt had evaporated. In the end, the author discussed the issue in length.

chestnut

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 10:40 am

ForeverYoung wrote:

The author realised, that she treated the girl as a 'mitzva'.

unfortunately, this is often the case. very sad!

Rochel Leah

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 11:00 am

it is sad .

thats why my mom , a bt herself, made a point of once she was married- my father's family were very helpful- and you have a maid in south africa, that she would have a girls over that were bt's and becoming bts, and she continued to help them once they were married, cuz she knew what is was like...some moved on to other places but she still keeps contact with them, whenever I went to ch, before I was married I stayed at one of my moms friends who became bt in south africa. I feel vey close to her and speak often with her. she is a wonderful mom, I would want to be like her as a mom- I have seen ffb mom's who just have the kids for the "number".- it's nice to say : " I have 11 kids"

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 1:47 pm

I don't know how to quote properly, so I'm just going to put out some general comments and hope they make some sense.

1. I am a BT (I do not hate the title) and became frum through BT's and FFB's - B"H for all of them. When I need chinuch advice, I go looking for it from people who are good role models - BT or FFB. I really do not recall anyone giving me unsolicited advice.

2. Intermarriage - I think Sara you were discussing this problem. It's not so simple - when my brother married a non Jew (who converted unhalachically - which makes it more sensitive), I was told I COULD NOT attend the wedding. Furthermore, after consulting with a Rav, I was informed I was not even supposed to be going to their house as it gives validity to their marriage. I love my brother dearly, he has 2 little children and lives 3,000 miles away - when I visit back home, I did choose to go to their house, although, my husband did not.

3. My stepchildren are FFBs even though though their parents were not - they all managed to marry FFB's - (some more Chassidische than others)

4. And, not to be insensitive or rude, when it comes to raising children, it seems the Rebbe's parents did not exactly have the same outcome with all of theirs..............

I would love to add more, but all of a sudden I got invaded by 3 cuties.

Tefila

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 2:56 pm

cs that is what I meant when I said even the avos and moshe rabbeinu had children who went off the derech so we still have to just try our best and daven.

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 5:32 pm

It's definitely humbling isn't it?

gryp

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 5:57 pm

I know no one meant to be insensitive or rude but I see there are comparisons being made by the way we raise our kids and the way the greatest tzadikim raised their children and were raised. there is absolutely no comparison! we are not on the same level, and we cant even pretend to be. the raising of children is not equal here. in the family of tzadikim it is like dealing with klipas and nitzotzim of elokus. for us, or me at least, I am raising children for the future generations. how can we even compare the two?

Wed, Oct 27 2004, 7:36 pm

The Baal Shem Tov was orphaned as a youngster and was raised by strangers - what does one have to do with the other.

It seems I've touched a really sensitive spot here. I wasn't judging the Rebbe's parents - chas vashalom.

Chassidus explains it takes 3 partners to raise a child - mother, father and Hashem. If a child is less than successful, in spite of all the parents' efforts (FFB, BT or [gentile]), it's concluded that the Abishter had a different shlichus for that neshama.

The answer here is you do your very best regardless of circumstance and say a lot of Tehillim.

amother

Thu, Oct 28 2004, 3:23 am

I think what cs is trying to say is that sometimes a parent can do their utmost and still there are problems, that a certain part of it is biyedei shamayim

Tefila

Thu, Oct 28 2004, 5:43 pm

amother a certain part ? A major part

ForeverYoung
Guest

Sun, Oct 31 2004, 9:16 am

Rochel Lea, pls. pass on to your mother my appreciation of her dedication to her 'adopted' children

Pickle Lady

Wed, Jul 06 2005, 6:31 pm

I wanted to revive this old but important topic.

Today I was talking to a friend about how important I thought it was that I was a SAHM. One of the main reasons was that I need to learn about how to make a jewish home. I didn't grow up frum and I need to learn. Even if I had spent time in a frum home I still need to learn how to put it to practice in my own family. Its hard raising a jewish home when you didn't grow up frum. There are so many things you don't even know where to start. I think a big key is knowing that you need help. Then getting a good mashpia someone to give you great advice. Also a good community.

Yes one of the hardest things about being a BT is not having family to relieve burdens. Since I was married a year I have made all yom tovim at my home (yes even pesach). Its not that hard but then again I had no other option. Also when I had a baby I had to family to help me out much. Its hard but you get over it. Even if I am not learned but I show my kids that I am Emesdic with my yiddishkeit then something will stick. I defintly think that is the key. I also think that sometimes kids go off derech when there are really other problems not just that there was enough yiddishkeit in the home. I have a friend who has most of her siblings went off the derech and her parents are BTs. But this family had many other issues. I think some of them was that neither parents were hardly home.

I think raising frum kids is hard for both BTs and FFBs. I also think it has to do with secular society affecting the way we think about how to raise our kids. And one of them is the mommy working outside the home and letting non jews or non-frum jews babysit thier kids.

gryp

Thu, Jul 07 2005, 8:17 am

Quote:

One of the main reasons was that I need to learn about how to make a jewish home. I didn't grow up frum and I need to learn.

hey Pickle Lady, I think you are doing a pretty good job despite not having grown up in a frum house. there are some things you do with your kids that I would like to do too with mine- so we learn a little bit from everyone around us, and thats how we become good mothers.

Pickle Lady

Thu, Jul 07 2005, 8:47 am

Thanks RG..are you refering to my sons severe obsession with tefillin. Even at the moment he is wearing his tefillin.

but back to seriousness..this is really important...I wanted to drill in my head that I and my husband are my kids chinuch and their school is supplementry.

Rochel Leah

Thu, Jul 07 2005, 8:52 am

Pickle lady, I am sure you're children will pick up your desire to learn more and will want to do the same.

My mother always felt bad that she couldn't read rashi and we could so she learnt with us and was then able to help us with homework on rashi.

gryp

Thu, Jul 07 2005, 11:03 am

Quote:

Thanks RG..are you refering to my sons severe obsession with tefillin. Even at the moment he is wearing his tefillin.

that,

and other things too. besides the Tefillin, he is familiar with shul, knows what a Torah is, knows who the Rebbe is and imitates the Rebbe davening, and has no outside "non jewish" influences in his life like a TV.

Quote:

but back to seriousness..this is really important...I wanted to drill in my head that I and my husband are my kids chinuch and their school is supplementry.

realizing that is the first step, which you have accomplished. next step is what to do practically, and for this there are no set rules, it goes by what you feel your kids should know or mitzvos they can be doing by the time they reach a certain age, ie. wearing a yarmulke, giving tzedaka, saying shema at night, learning alef-bais, saying brachos on foods, etc.

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