my son witnessed inappropriate behavior

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

My son witnessed inappropriate behavior

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maccaroni

Sun, Feb 03 2013, 10:21 pm

My 10 year old son witnessed a neighborhood teenager boy playing inappropriately with himself on several occasions. I just found out from the boys mother who felt it was the right thing to tell me.
What should I do for my son? (ie.counseing, tell Rav, do I need someone who specializes in this?)

asp40

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 7:10 am

I would take your son to a child psychologist and let them assess how he is doing. I dont see how a Rav can help in this situation.

maccaroni

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 7:57 am

Thanks, I guess thats right and it would be more for me than than him

DrMom

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 7:59 am

Why for you?

maccaroni

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 8:01 am

because im devestated that this happened and the rav would understand knowing this family. But I'm a bit "afraid" that my child will be looked at differently if I tell him.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 8:05 am

Is there a professional frum therapist you could speak to? You could get some spiritual comfort perhaps and maintain confidentiality. (I'm assuming this wasn't a case of child abuse.)

amother

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 8:08 am

I would leave the school out of it.
If I did anything I would do it privately.
I would first talk to my son calmly and in a matter of fact manner to let him tell me what happened without coloring it by my own upset insofar as possible.
He may not need counselling about it.

amother

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 8:10 am

Yes, you may need to speak to someone privately and professionally to make sure you are handling it in the best way possible for your child, but he may not need to see someone.

DrMom

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 8:20 am

You don't need to answer in a graphic manner, but how much did your son see?

And does he seem bothered by what he saw, or does he just think, "hmmm... my neighbor's son is odd... *shrug*"

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 8:41 am

DrMom wrote:

You don't need to answer in a graphic manner, but how much did your son see?

And does he seem bothered by what he saw, or does he just think, "hmmm... my neighbor's son is odd... *shrug*"

This. Did your son actually say "gosh boy x did that weird thing and now I am traumatized" ? Or did you just find out what he saw? If it is the latter, I would just leave it alone. If it is the first then he probably just needs a little bit of counseling.

StrongIma

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 9:54 am

I agree with shabbatiscoming - not everything inappropriate is traumatizing and needs therapy. dd when 4yo saw a man exposing himself to her - she told me about it at the time, I said "how awful for you" or some such at that was it. never saw any bad results from it, and it's now years later and she's totally fine.

Barbara

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 10:02 am

maccaroni wrote:

I respect that you want to be ultra-tziniut here, but I think that people could help you more if you were more forthcoming with details.

I take it that your son saw another boy touching self. How did that come about? Was your son spying on the boy? Looking in on the boy in private places? Or did the boy corner or lure your son to show your son how he touches self.

If the former, then I doubt that your son was traumatized. You need to simply and calmly explain to him that this is something that some boys do, because it feels good. That it's something that should always be very private. Insert some vague statement relating to your take on halacha, but keep it gentle. And tell him how very wrong it is to spy on people and to violate their privacy. Keep the metaphorical doors open. And unless you have some reason to believe that its really troubling to him, leave it at that.

If the latter, then I think that talking to a rav would be a good idea, because without more information, I just don't have a good idea if this is a form of molestation or a form of bullying. If the latter, the police need to be involved; if the former, the boy needs help. Also, if the latter, I would personally contact a child psychologist to see if he thinks that therapy might be a good idea, or how you should handle it. But if your DS seems OK, then he probably is.

If "you" find it traumatic, there is no reason that "you" shouldn't seek counsel, even if your DS doesn't need to.

lk1234

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 10:14 am

If you tell us exactly what happened, we may be able to help you more. Tell us specifically what you are concerned about. This may not necessarily require a therapist.

Rutabaga

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 10:19 am

Barbara wrote:

Why would the police need to be involved for bullying but not for molestation? If anything, it should be the reverse.

Barbara

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 10:36 am

Rutabaga wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Why would the police need to be involved for bullying but not for molestation? If anything, it should be the reverse.

Obviously I reversed it.

Rutabaga

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 10:43 am

Ok, sorry.

maccaroni

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 12:53 pm

Hi everyone. THanks for the help. So my son spent a lot of time at this neighbros house in the last few years b/c hes best friends with the younger brother of the boy . Throughtout this year and last (when the boy matured)he visably saw him masterbating several times. He looked and then would walk out of the room (or so he says) but this happened regularly. He said the boy "plays with his aiver" all over the house (whether in his bedroom, attic or even under the kitchen table)the boy also tried to touch my son but my son said he would push his hand away or twist away from him. But the boy did try so I"m hoping not too much damage is done. I spoke to a psycholgist this morning who said its important that he be given the opporutnity to talk about it, and be educated properly so there are no outstanding long term issues. He also thought the school should be clued in (the main players) to protect him from the kid in school. I did speak to the school today and they said they are aware this child has serious issue and do have set boundaries in place at school.

I know he needs to go to counseling but in the meantime what do I do about the younger brother being best friends with my kid? I feel like I want to break any ties between their family and ours. Just not a good influence at all in many way. However, my son loves him and they have been BFF's since 3 years old.

Please keep the feedback coming as I really find it a tremendous support.

Thanks

maccaroni

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 12:56 pm

O and my son did acknowledge that it was "scary" to see him like that (in a trance....)

chica

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 12:59 pm

Could you limit their friendship to in school and only at your house? (Ie don't let your son go over to their house?)

hot pink

Mon, Feb 04 2013, 1:01 pm

Maybe just suggest / institute that they can only play at your house together, not the other boy's - so you can watch him, and he'll be far away from the other brother.

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