I'm in so much pain

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

I'm in so much pain

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amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 11:00 am

I have 4 children, close together. B"h
My oldest is 7. My heart breaks when I think about him.

Hes a sweet, brilliant child b"h, normal behavior....until recently.

He was always the one who got least attention here in my house for various reasons. As much as I tried, it was never enough.

Now, after all these years, it's starting to have an effect on him. For the past few months he speaks like a baby. Like any 2 year old toddler. He never behaves anymore, he's always complaining, cries a lot, moody, and beeeeegs for attention.
He's becoming downright annoying. As much as I know it's a lack of attention, and not his fault, I'm constantly yelling at him which only makes it worse.

(I don't suspect that anything happened to him at school etc. it's purely a lack of ATT).

I'm an emotional wreck because of this. I cry every time I speak or think about him. I cannot forgive myself for putting him into this situation of sharing his mother with another 3 babies. Yeah, I know it's too late, but still.
As much as I try, it's not doing the job to fix it. By now I'm starting to give up. I'm full of despair.

Please, please help me ladies.

octopus

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 11:20 am

STOP with the self recriminations. all is not lost. DO something special today with him and only him. It could be jsut for 20 minutes. repeat every week.

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 11:20 am

Your post is extreme.

If your son needs positive attention give it to him.
Play games with him, do a puzzle, read him a book, take him out to the Pizza shop (do this with all your kids one on one).

Seven years old can be a kvetchy age

33055

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 11:26 am

OP, it is not normal to cry every time you think about or speak to your son. You are giving him the attention you believe he craves. You are reinforcing his negative behavior. He acts like a two year old and you respond.

I think you need counseling to deal with this. I would also recommend a parenting class.

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 11:43 am

Op here.
Reading all responses but might not have time to respond before tonight.
Please keep them coming. Thanks so much I'm so confused and sad. Sad

ROFL

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 11:49 am

Give him attention when he is not being needy. Go out with him for pizza or ice cream just because.
Make his bedtime a little later than the other children because he is the oldest. If he shares a room. Tell him he can read for fifteen minutes in your room while the others go to sleep and then he can go to sleep later.
Sneak up behind him and give him a hug and say I love you because you are you!
Hatzlcha

hbf

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 12:10 pm

Don't put any more of your koach into crying. Sit down, work out a star chart straight away with some small exciting prizes for: washing negel va'aser, getting dressed, eating breakfast, going to school without a fuss, homework if he gets any yet, eating supper nicely, not having any tantrums and going to bed nicely.

Buy stars to make it exciting and make the chart colorful.
I think that you're amazing for picking up on this so early on, believe me, mothers and fathers all around the world wish to be in your position now, they nebech have the child a lot older and totally impossible. Love him and encourage him to color his chart in with you and perhaps ask him if he can suggest any other tasks for him to to work on.

Wishing you such an enjoyable time on your exciting adventure with him.

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 1:02 pm

Feeling sad wont help the situation at all. Give him 1 on 1 attention tonight. Can you take him out just the two of you for ice cream? Maybe once a week just the two of you.

lili

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 1:05 pm

dont give him the negative attention he asks for IGNORE IT.
Instead, focus on giving him positive attention, for the first 2 weeks, every 20 minutes.
Nothing big, a hug/compliment/asking him to help you with something....just a positive 'connection'.

(from Dina Friedmans course)

SingALong

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 1:19 pm

My dd age 6 started this after DS kid #4 was born, I took her out just me and her once a week to give her alone time but it didn't really work.
Then I started every night 10 minutes private time with each kid, red a book, hugged, schmoozed or played a quick game. I found a few minutes of one on one each night to be more effective than 1/2 hour out with me once a week. Older dd held baby while I have private time with dd age 6. It took a few nights to figure out a system that worked.

granolamom

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 1:24 pm

first of all, OP, YOU did not put him in this situation of having to share you with three babies. You can blame G-d for that. obviously its the Plan that your 7 yo is supposed to have this challenge.
next, it is not your job to 'fix' anything. all you have to do is your best. so if you've been trying to give him as much attention as you thought he needed but couldnt for various reasons, there is no room for self blame.
ok, so now you see he's not doing well and you want to change something. pat yourself on the back for taking the first step - admitting there is a problem.
I agree with the above poster, I took dina friedman's course and her advice re: kids with high need for attention is spot-on.
I have a 9yo in a similar position, lately I've been reading to him for about 10 min right before bedtime (just him, no little siblings are invited) and its made a significant difference. things still arent perfect, but I've long given up my quest for perfection. oh another thing we did is we now have a 'private handshake' and we'll do it randomly here and there during the day. he feels special that its only his and its an easy way to connect.

and as others have said, 7 can be a very difficult age. ime, very whiny/needy.

lk1234

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 2:10 pm

ooh- I like that handshake thing- that's so cute Granolamom!

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 2:10 pm

Thanks so much for all responses so far. I'm picking up some good advice.

I used to do the 10 minutes private time every night,but I stopped that fast because by the time 7pm rolls around I'm just too exhausted. I just want to see everyone in bed then.
My kids did love that though. Sigh.

I especially like what Lili suggested because that might be easiest for me to follow through now.

1. More problems I have with quality time with him is:
He gets me so annoyed, so I can't bring myself to get into the mood of saying something nice to I'm or play a game with him. Lately the only words I talk to him are criticism Sad

Poor child.

2. Even when I do sit down with him, he doesn't know handle the positive attention. He laughs and edges his way through it. He does feel like a million dollars though, just doesn't know how to handle the att.

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 2:48 pm

My oldest ds is almost 7 and he has also just started talking like a baby and he moans loads! I also have 4 kids. Its extremely annoying and frustrating but we try not to give him negative attention and try treating him like the oldest but he still tries to act like a baby and tantrums. Wer hoping hel snap out of it himself but I try not to let it eat me up!

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 2:48 pm

imasinger

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 2:52 pm

Lots of wonderful advice on this thread. I particularly like the part about not feeling guilty for the spacing of your children, which is hashgacha pratis.

The way I learned in parenting classes to do one on one time was:

Spend 10 minutes or so where he is in charge. He picks the activity. Your job is to notice, comment on details (but not particularly praise) and ask questions. "Wow, look, that lego tower is so tall. What color is going to go next?" But not, "Watch out, or it's going to fall over." And not, "You're such a good builder; maybe you'll grow up to be an engineer." The first is criticizing him, and the second is sending messages of your values. One on one time is about him being in the driver seat. Ten minutes of your life, even at 7 pm, is going to be less tiring than all the stress of worrying about his behavior.

Hang in there!

animeme

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 10:25 pm

A question for all you 10-minutes-per-child-per-night people. Who is watching your other kids while you take half an hour or more to make this happen? How do you handle the kids who don't have the where-withal to understand that they should be good during other people's time because they will get their own?

For example, throughout the times I have tried this, I have had toilet-training kids who will only go with me, babies who scream from 6-9, hyperactive kids who need me to check on them regularly, etc. And I do have a kid who had issues, also around age 7, from being mevater too often and not enough attention, except his reaction was to be excessively silly to the point of disregard or occasionally being malicious. I would have loved to give him the time, but my husband was never home before 8:30, and even now is not reliably so, even if he sometimes is.

So how do you manage it? I'm tired of regularly seeing the light go out in my 8-year-old's eyes when I have to stop a game with her two minutes in because her three year old sister needs to go potty right then, even if I just took her (and yes, she actually goes) or because her brother just created a dangerous mess in the kitchen when he was supposed to be in bed.

amother

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 10:29 pm

op, he's lucky to be blessed with a mommy that got the message loud & clear & will be working on fixing the problem.

Just wana share some ideas that I used for my 6 year old that started similar attention seeking behaviors after her 3rd sib was born last Spring.

*I take her out with me once in a while after her sibs are sleeping while I do reg grocery shopping.
*I drop notes on her pillow, clothes, her snack (lately she started writing back!)
*Sunday night she goes to sleep 10 min later cuz its "our special night" where she gets to choose an activity. (we've done games, puzzles, coloring, painting, messy play with shaving cream, read a book, I make sure to do something really childish & fun)
*I call her to help me in the kitchen (setting supper table, peeling veggies...) & then make major announcement at supper about mommy's HUUUUGE helper.
*We have a chart for this & a chart for that (brushing, playing quietly in the morn,) & somehow it makes her feel really proud
*Try having a casual conversation with him about how people love being around those that are thankful & don't complain much. (I know youre thinking "well, duh! I told him a million times to STOP KVETCHING" I found that the turning point in my daughters attention seeking behavior is after we both had a calm casual conversation about kvetching, whining & complaining.)
*I also love playing with her "I Am Thankful For" & we run through the alphabet or alef bais. We end up making up some silly one's & there's nothing more bonding than sharing a good laugh!
*I also used Perel Abromowitz's idea of the "Victory Method". I drew 50 little boxes and whenever she or me were able to be a "gibor" and listen to our yetzer tov & stay in control we filled in a box. When all boxes were full we celebrated with a special dessert for the 2 of us.
*Dunno if you can get his father more involved in spending more time with him, or perhaps a Zaidy or Uncle...You're only human & being that Ive had days where getting everyone dressed & fed was a major accomplishment I can understand that being there emotionally for every kid every day can be impossible when youre on survival mode. I think you would benefit A LOT from getting more family members involved in giving him positive attention

Last but not least I would tell you to take a deeper look into yourself & make sure that there isnt a lot of negativity & kvetching & complaining coming from you. ALso, the crying & guilt sounds a bit overdone just make sure to rule out depression...

HOTZLACHA & STAY STRONG MOMMY!!!

Remember, "guilt is the worst form of self abuse",and the last thing your son needs right now is a mom thats killing herself emotionally

focus on doing youre best. There is no greater feeling than looking back at a challenge & feeling proud of how you handled the situation and by "handling" I mean not sitting & crying & feeling sorry about the poor kid but just trying your best & letting Hashem do the rest!

granolamom

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 10:38 pm

animeme wrote:

It took me a long time to get to this place but by my fifth baby I realized its ok to let the

other kids cry for five or ten minutes so I can be with an older sibling. I will give kids old enough to make dangerous messes special things to play with (my iPad) and then reward good patient waiting. My three yo does the same potty thing but after the first time I didn't come running out of big brothers bedroom she learned to wait a few min. ( three year olds are capable of demanding attention in this way too)
Your 8 yo will feel like a million dollars when you DON'T stop the game for the younger sibling.

Alternatively, do you have time in the morning? Or Even just a few times a week like shabbos and Sunday can make a difference

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Feb 17 2013, 10:49 pm

granolamom wrote:

animeme wrote:

I very much agree with the bolded! Ive picked up this idea from "Siblings Without Rivlary". I will turn to little interrupter & say "Mommy's finishing a game with Chaya, I'm sure you want to share something really important but it will have to wait until we are done" You stick to your guns & when they see you mean business they'll cooperate...Iv'e also done rewarding for being patient...especially important at homework time.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Nov 09 2021, 12:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

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