I don't like my child right now

amother

Thu, Feb 28 2013, 9:26 pm

My 10 year old son has become defiant and anger more than usual. He is chuzpadik and speaks badly to my DH and myself when we ask him to do something. I know he needs better rewards/displinie but even the charting system doesn't seem to work.

How do I "punish" a child that doesn't care what I take away or if I do take something away he goes BESERK(out of control screaming and yelling). We just can't stand it anymore. He bothers his siblings, annoys them constantly and just can't along socaially. I am completly stressed out at home with him around, never knowing when he'll become that defiant person and lash out at one of his siblings.

Yes, we are taking him to psychologist and possibly a psych for medication evaluation.

He also makes negative comments about judaism which is devestating. He'll say things like I don't want to be like you you are too religous etc. Its devestating as he is only 10! How do I answer that?

Any suggestions on how to make my home less stressful environment and how to parent him correctly would be much appreciated

amother

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 7:10 am

I have a similar child. He has ADHD and is just a difficult personalty. We have had to adjust our parenting. EVERYTHING has structure and rules attached to it. There are clear consequences for every major infraction. Minor ones get a reminder. He also does not care if we take away his stuff - we have emptied his entire room and after the initial tantrum, he forgets about it.

In stead - we have a reward system. He responds to this. We do it for all of our children so that he does not feel we are picking on him. It is s slow process but for the most part he now is nicer to his siblings and is easier in general.

Now, as he gets older, new things pop up, more emotions, etc . . . and it is not easy but it is different.

octopus

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 9:55 am

I don't have advice as to what system long term you want to do, however, I do find that when my kids are frazzling me and I have this feeling of just get away from me then it is time to spend pleasant time with them and not run away from them. so think about a system that you want to do. do something pleasant with your child. and talk to him. about what's happening, what you plan to do. and enjoy the pleasant activity you do together.

Barbara

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 10:09 am

amother wrote:

I understand that your child is giving u a hell of a time right now but to write that u don't like him right now!!!! Oh my gosh that really freaks me out! Mayb your child feels that!

My mother (a"h) would occasionally tell me that she always loved me, but there were times that she didn't like me very much.

The OP is human, and expressing a human feeling about a difficult child. She's not saying that's wonderful, she's asking for help, but she is frustrated. I'd rather hear that than a pasted-on smile pretending all is OK.

IOW, Chill.

Barbara

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 10:14 am

amother wrote:

Sometimes, kids pretend it doesn't bother them, so that you don't know how much they really hurt.

And sometimes you have to reboot. Say OK, you did things wrong. But we're wiping the slate clean and starting from NOW. And let him know the consequences and, yes, the rewards in advance.

Separate out his comments on religion. In fact, try to view them as intellectual questions. That's interesting. What part of our practice do you not like? Why? What would you rather do? What about this, this, that which requires it. Address his doubts before they take over.

amother

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 10:53 am

Omg! I wanted to start a thread about this too!
I have the same problem. My son is diagnosed with add and HF autism. His biggest problem is his anger. If he doesn't get his way he explodes, shouting and throwing things and kicking stuff.
I'm so nervous about this. I don't want him to become an abusive husband who throws things at his wife Sad

He is in therapy for other reasons but we will adress this too. In the meantime, what worked for u?
Sorry OP I'm not more helpful..

amother

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 11:08 am

Thanks for the feedback and advice.
I do love him and let him know regularly but I am just overwhelmed by his difficult personality.
I did put a rewards program in place for him with a point system.

The problem is when he misbehavies and DOES bother his siblings or disobey me then its hard to know how to react and what to do.
Sometimes I let it go but other times I realize he needs a punishment so I put him in time out where he screams and carries on that the whole house is shaking!
I can take his DS away but he will also be very loud and disruptive if I do that.

its just so hard to manage him on a daily basis.

amother

Fri, Mar 01 2013, 11:46 am

I find that when we are afraid to take a high value item away, we always think it will be worse than it is. My kids take a long bus ride to and from school this year. As a compromise, we purchased them electronics as this is what the other kids do on the bus. 2 of the kids ahve been fighting daily and I finally took them away after I warned them. I was so worried that my younger son would have awful behavior on the bus without his DS - even worse than with it. Well, he didnt. He improved and earned it back. And today he lost it again. We cannot be afraid to punish them because we are worried how they react. My oldest freaks when he loses a high value item or privilege. I would rather not take those away, but he needs to learn.

CPenzias

Sun, Mar 03 2013, 8:56 am

First of all op, you're taking your son to a psychologist and possible evaluated for meds so you're doing what you can!
I just want to say, I'm a 5th grade special ed teacher (I have students in my class who are emotionally disturbed) and my thing is taking away privileges. For example, part or all of gym depending, fun Friday, other things that other kids get that they can't, recess etc. They get very upset and the anticipation of having things get taken (or consequences) is great too. They're very anxious and don't like it. As a mother, I do the same thing...

I can also tell you that I can tell right away which parents just "give in" because of their Childs behavior and how they're fearful of their Childs reactions and which parents take a stand. It's VERY important to take a stand and let your child know that you're in charge...as difficult as that may be. Let him flip out and scream and yell and then talk to him once he is calmer...

mother of boyz

Sun, Mar 03 2013, 10:31 am

[quote="amother"]My 10 year old son has become defiant and anger more than usual.
I don't know enough about the situation to comment, but could this sudden anger, and mire than usual be a red flag? I would think it's cause for concern......could something have happened to make him act out more than usual.............?