Is it ok to say this to my friend?

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:34 pm

My friend is getting married please G-d soon and she doesn't have much money to pay for everything. She told me she is having to go to charity organisations for help. My mother mentioned to me today that her and my father would like to donate some money for her wedding, for her dress or something. My mother says it's very important, this is a huge mitzvah. I am wondering should I tell my friend that it is my parents who want to donate, or should I say it's some other person I know. I'm just thinking that it might be embarrassing for her if I say my parents want to give her money - and more sensitive to her if I say "someone I know", or a family friend or something, so she doesn't think it was actually my parents giving her the money, as this might make her feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. What do you think?

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:46 pm

my parents have paid for things for a few of my friends wedding that had no momey.they did it completely annon. for example my father called up a florist and said I would like to pay for half the flowers or the brides flower arrangement... or called the band...
if yoou parents are close with her I think they can call her and say yu are like a daughter to us and we would like to pay for ur dress as a wedding gift.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:50 pm

amother wrote:

I am the op - my parents have met my friend only briefly. They know she is a close friend of mine and the reason they want to give the money is not because of who she is to me but just because it is a mitzvah - I.e. to pay towards the wedding of anyone ,even a stranger to you.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:53 pm

sorry it's the op again - what if she says she would like to send a thank you note? what can I say if I don't say it was my parents?

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:55 pm

busydev wrote:

do you know which org she is going to? you can call them and make the donation thru them.

no she is living abroard and I'm not sure if she's got it finalised or anything. I don't know if it's really an "organisation" or what and I can't really ask her that also because it sounds weird.

penguin

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:55 pm

In the categories of tzedakah, not knowing the giver is a higher form. You can tell your friend to write a note to "Dear Benefactors" and you will pass it on.

harriet

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:55 pm

I have channeled money to friends through their showers -ie collected $300 in gifts, my parents added $200 and when I spent the $500 and they got more(in pots/pans/etc) than what was typical, they never expressed any surprise or anything. They would have been MORTIFIED to know that it was from my parents and I think it went over better this way.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 4:58 pm

penguin wrote:

In the categories of tzedakah, not knowing the giver is a higher form. You can tell your friend to write a note to "Dear Benefactors" and you will pass it on.

that's a great idea I could say the "donator" wants to remain anonymous because he/she wants to do the highest mitzvah.

how should my parents give her the money though without her knowing who it is? would they have to give it to me in cash?

marshmellow

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:02 pm

don't use the word donation - say gift. say they (this person) wants to give a wedding gift. I think that's better no? might make her feel like a charity case otherwise

busydev

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:02 pm

If she lives abroad then cash is iffy to get it to her. what about a cashiers check? or a wire transfer from your acct (so ur parents can give u money and you wire it to her).

If she lived in your city I would say to drop it off in her mailbox anon. envelope would say what its for.

Or you can do some basic investigations of what chesed org is in her city and give it thru them- not nec the one she would have called- but they may be able to help you. (I know the place in my city that helps kallos (and many other ppl as well) would def take money and then pass it on to who you wanted it for so it can be anon.)

out-of-towner

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:04 pm

Have your parents go to a specific Hachnasas Kallah fund that you know that she will go to and give them money earmarked especially for her Chassunah. If she's already going to go to this fund anyway, this is the most discreet way to help her out. Kol Hakavod for your sensitivity!

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:07 pm

amother wrote:

she is coming back to where I live for a month before the wedding

in that case you could put the money in an envelope and drop it through her letterbox

busydev

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:08 pm

amother wrote:

she is coming back to where I live for a month before the wedding

great. then drop it off without anyone the wiser. Either a cashiers check (safer) or cash. no need for thank you notes or telling her anything.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:17 pm

busydev wrote:

amother wrote:

she is coming back to where I live for a month before the wedding

great. then drop it off without anyone the wiser. Either a cashiers check (safer) or cash. no need for thank you notes or telling her anything.

the problem is don't you put your name on a check?

busydev

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 5:46 pm

not a cashiers check you dont. (unless you want to) the name on the check is the banks name. any bank should be able to write one out for you.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Mar 12 2013, 9:12 pm

This is what I would do.

I would courier her Pink balloons and a envelope containing a nice card expressing best wishes and desire to remain anon (in the card I would add a bank issued money order ).

And I would enjoy every seccond of her excitement if she tells me her happy news knowing Inside that I was soche to help my kind parents make a kallah happy...... Yeah I'm a sappy one, I know ! Wink

What awesome parents you have!