This system isn't working for me

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 1:46 pm

This system isn't working for me, but I don't know how to get out of the system Sad

Its called the women do it all system and I am sick of this system (...and I'm only in it for 3 years) I do everything, work, clean, cook, take care of my son and what does DH do, learn! I'm jealous!
I love to working, cooking, cleaning and best of all being a Mommy, but I can't do everything Sad

How do you manage?

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 2:31 pm

So your husband does NOTHING (other than learn)? Not ok!!! Not sure why/how you were ever ok with this (meaning, how this pattern started) but in my opinion, when both parents are working (and I guess I'll equate learning with working, as it takes it out of the home for a specific amount of time per day, for specific numbers of days per week), or for that matter, even if there were no kids, if both spouses are working, there must be a division of labor. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc etc (and in your situation, child care and parenting responsibilities) must be divvied up! Of course it's not working for you! It wouldn't work for anyone! Tell him how you feel and have specific responsiblities assigned to each of you (based, in my opinion, on your natural kochos)

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 2:53 pm

ysmommy wrote:

not all learning guys are like that.

many kollel husbands help their wives a ton.

this is not a system problem (although the system has its problems as well)

its a communication/expectation problem between you and your spouse.

have you spoken to him or are you being the classic silent martyr?

Here's an example:
Over five years down the line, husband is super helpful around the home.
But, when we had been married for less than a year he turned to me and asked me (albeit nicely), when I was planning on cleaning the cholent pot (It had been out for a few days soaking embarrassed

)
I very politely explained that he too can clean the cholent pot, and that it isn't specifically my job.
Communicated.
He's never asked me since.

TwinsMommy

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 2:58 pm

here's how we divvy it up. I'm curious to know how others do.

Hubby works full time and I work part time (self employed at home, so flexible schedule).

I do all bill paying and checkbook balancing and banking, all laundry, all cooking, all organizing. I do all paperwork (daycamp stuff, IEP stuff, FBA stuff, we're planning to buy a house so I took a homebuyer's course, etc). I make all kid appointments and do 90% of appointment shlepping. I do all snowblowing (we're in Cleveland Smile

Hubby does MOST shopping (bless his heart he spent $400 today on Pesach goodies) after I make a list. He does all dishes. He takes out trash. He mows lawn.

In terms of floor mopping/dusting/toilet cleaning, I do it once in a while and mostly we hire help.

As far as childcare goes, we only have 6 year old twins who are in school full time. In the past when the kids were home half day, they were all mine.

Hubby learns in dirshu every morning and he has certain things he does on his own every evening--- but from 9 to 5 Mon through Thurs he works (Fri 9 to 12:30) and on Sundays (and Mondays from 6:30 to 8:00) he works a second job too.

We're happy with our arrangement. He'll leave the dishes for a day or two and apologize and remind me that HE'LL get to them. I'll almost run out of clean underwear for him and remind him that I'm doing laundry TODAY. lol. It works.

If your hubby does NOTHING for the house and kids, that's a problem, in my opinion. UNLESS you WANT it that way.

Tablepoetry

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 3:10 pm

amother wrote:

)
I very politely explained that he too can clean the cholent pot, and that it isn't specifically my job.
Communicated.
He's never asked me since.

Perfect.
OP, some men need to realize that you are not supposed to do it all. Why should you? Did you sign up for life long drudgery?
The moment women work out of the home, IMO, their domestic chores should decrease proportionally to the amount they are working.
A f/t working mom should be EVENLY splittting the household stuff with her dh. If he's not working or working p/t, he should be doing MORE. If he is not the domestic type who notices what needs to be done, you may need to 'manage' him, or make a schedule/charts.

But I love the example above.
Be proactive. Tell your dh that today you are cleaning the kitchen, for example, TOGETHER.

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 3:18 pm

TwinsMommy wrote:

Here's how we do it:

We both work full time. Me: 8-4. Him 9-5 (but ends up being more like 9-7) No children (yet)

Me: Menu planning, shopping, cooking, baking, most table setting/clearing (except Shabbos) dishwasher load/unload, bill paying

DH: cleaning (including floors, bathroom, countertops, etc. We don't have hired help), polishing silver (for Shabbos), laundry, beds (taking them apart for niddah, putting togther for mikvah), dishes, take out garbage, set alarm clocks, Shabbos table setting/clearing (most weeks)

(what am I missing?)

busydev

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 3:45 pm

my husband is in kollel and I work full time and we split alot of household chores.

When we first got married I was in school till late most nights and he started off then with helping cause otherwise nothing would have been able to get done (I was working FT then too)

Now 4 years later with a 1.5 yr old this is our basic splits: (we figured out that we are both out of the house about the same amount of hours)

We take turns doing dishes and cleaning up. One week I do the dishes (starting m"shabbos ending when shabbos starts) and he cleans up after shabbos and does the big vacuum/sweep, washes down the table etc before shabbos.
we switch the following week.
for some reason I wash all the bottles and milchig dishes (not very many usually, dont eat much milchigs except cereal/milk and yogurt).
I usually do bedtime tho occasionally I ask him to help with bathtime when my back is hurting or I have a headache and cant bend over so easily. He never changes a diaper unless I am not home.
I do suppers. I do most shopping, tho he does go when I need him to do so. Tho I write the lists and he always ending up spending more somehow.
He does a portion of shabbos cooking and can do it all if he has too. He likes to have everything done by thursday night so I told him that I wont be able to do that so he helps out. he makes the cholent. and I do chicken erev shabbos since it tastes best fresh. he does the garbage. I clean the kitchen counters and stove. We share the bathroom cleaning (1 time each of us does it)
but this was all thru a lot of communication and recommunication. We sat down and divided tasks... and when circumstances changed ( I graduated, we had a baby, our baby started getting around and making messes etc) we changed the splits accordingly.

gotta figure out what works for you.

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 3:50 pm

amother wrote:

This system isn't working for me, but I don't know how to get out of the system Sad

How do you manage?

I would feel a lot more resentfull if he was working.
at least he is learning.

cs1

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 6:29 pm

To amother above. Why?
I would feel a lot more resenful if dh just sat on his tuchos all day.

Dh and I both work. We live on shlichus and work in the same building.
I make my own hours, but usually end up working 11-4 Monday-Thursday. I also bring baby along to work.
Dh works 7am-5 pm (hopefully!!!) And goes back out for mon. Tues and wed. evening programs from about 7-10.

I do all laundry, cooking, cleaning, organizing and managing house, taking care of baby (bath, appointments, changing diaper, getting dressed, putting to bed - cuz he is usually not home..) cleaning up after shabbos (except for cutlery) cook for 15 shabbos guest every friday night,

Dh will set shabbos table, wash the shabbos cutlery on motzei shabbos, manage bills (we kinda do together) go shopping, take out garbage, mop floors erev shabbos, take care of official stuff, take the baby during the work day when I have meetings or just need a break, scrub my burnt pots Wink

,

I do more but once my baby is asleep for the night, my evenings are very relaxing and most of the time I read and hang out on the phone so I cant complain.

I just want to add that whenever I ask dh to do something he will...he just aint home so often so im not always interested in waiting around for him...

abby1776

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 6:56 pm

I work very long hours. My DH stays home, does all shopping, all cooking, all cleaning (I keep telling him to hire a cleaning lady but he is too cheap).

When I am home I try to help out as I am able with laudry, loading and unloading the dishwashers, setting the table, watching the children, etc.

But as I am only really home right before shabbos starts until Monday morning, I dont really do a lot and I am not about to spend my previous time home cleaning toilets.

gold21

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 9:37 pm

OP, your husband must do his share. No, he doesn't need to "help". That would suggest that the primary responsibility for housework and childcare is yours, and your husband should just be a good boy and help out. However, the truth is that when you work full time, housework and childcare is not your primary responsibility- it is a shared responsibility. He needs to do his part.

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 9:50 pm

In my house dh does ALOT bh. We have two children and both work outside the house. Me from 9:30-4 and him different hrs everyday. ( for example he stays later in morn to help me sometimes and comes home later at night or vice versa) he dresses ds everyday and I dress baby. I take baby to work with me. He does almost all cleaning and laundry and organizing in the house. He also gives baths a lot. I do all cooking, bill paying and wtvr else needs to be done. We are looking for cleaning help so dh doesn't have to do it all.....as you can tell I am a pretty lousy housekeeper.......

BusyBeeMommy

Thu, Mar 21 2013, 10:05 pm

As much as I agree with everyone about the importance for DH's to do their fair share, it usually doesn't happen. DH's usually end up "helping" more than taking half of the responsibilities. For example, my DH will help tremendously in making Shabbos, getting the kids dressed, bathed, fed, grocery shopping, etc. But at the end of the day, it is my orchestration and organization that gets everything in place when it's needed. I pull it all together, and make sure each piece of the puzzle is in its proper place. The responsibility of it getting done often falls on my shoulders, even if I ask for and get DH's help.I think that the only thing that's his sole responsibility is paying the bills. And all of my friends, relatives and acquaintances concur; I have yet to find a woman tell me that her DH is equally responsible for the household and childcare duties. They've even done studies on it and found that women still bear the brunt of those duties despite working as many hours a week as their DH's.

Do I like it? No. Do I get resentful? At times. My DH is tremendously involved and helpful. But it's probably not gonna change. So I accept it.

And take a break from it for a few days a year to get my bearings.