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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 4:16 am

Will try to make this as short as possible-bare with me pls.
My 8 year old son, Grade 2, who is on the spectrum, is in a mainstream frum school, with an aid. He is considered high functioning. Up until this year, this set up has worked for the most part.

When I was having my Purim seudah this year I got a text from his aid which read 'I resign as of immediately' woa-no explanation-nothing. I was left to look for someone asap - found someone who actually worked with my child for the past few summers in a special camp he attends. She knows him very well and what he is capableof. When she went to school to begin working with him, she was quite shocked. Could not believe this was the same boy - he was not coping at all. He had meltdowns, cried a lot, etc. In her words she said to me 'you know I've seen a lot in my work, & it takes a lot to shake me up. What I saw today broke my heart in a million pieces' I wanted to just cry myself. I started to make some phonecalls to get him out of there and switch him to a special needs school. Enough of this mainstreaming- at what cost?? In the meantime now that its about 6 weeks later, he has made good progress, but his english teacher is really the problem, from what my shadow tells me. She yells, gets very nervous. Whaen she yells, my son feels so horrible, and the tense situation escalates.
She asked me if its possible to ask the school to have a quiet spot for just the 2 of them so she can teach my son 1-1. Away from the rest of the class- not a time out - a teaching area. I sent an email to the school special ed dept & principal explaining ecerything. I am not getting great feedback.
I have to fight for e/t for this child. When a school says they 'accomodate' they really don't. I don't think what I'm asking is such a big deal, is it? My child has become anxious over the past few months. He doesn't want to do any of the things he used to like doing. I think this is from the yelling he's been subjected to in school every day.

I want to know how I should handle this situation. Am I out of line?

granolamom

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 6:44 am

having never been in that specific situation, I dont have any advice on how to handle it.
but you are not out of line.
keep following your gut and advocate for your child no matter which side of the 'line' you are perceived to be on.
ime, most yeshivas are poorly equipped to 'accomodate' kids who stray too far to the edges of the developmental bell curve. often its not malicious, just a problem inherent to the design of the school system. of course sometimes you find a very creative and caring administration who can accomodate a greater portion of that bell curve, but mostly its up to the parent to fight fight fight for their kid.
I know that fight, its not for the faint of heart. at some point you may want to consider other options if you feel that your child is suffering and that there is no way to work with the school to ensure that he thrives.
wishing you lots of hatzlocho

the world's best mom

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 9:24 am

Your son is lucky to have a great mother who is willing to advocate for him and make sure he gets the best treatment. You are his only advocate, so even though the fight is a tough one, you can't give it up. Keep up the good work and hopefully soon he will get into a program that is able to meet his needs in a pleasant and appropriate manner.

ElTam

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 10:01 am

No, you are not out of line in standing up for your child's needs. If your child's aid came from an agency, I hope you will give feedback about the quitting and that you were not told about the problems as they were happening.

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 9:22 pm

Thank you all for your replies. Sometimes its hard to know cz I'm his mom and I know I can't be objective.
The schools here are so narrow minded and most of the time do not have the kids best interest at heart. I'm exhausted.

seeker

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 9:36 pm

About the separate room, I think it was not at all out of line for you to ask, but you also need to understand and accept if your request could not be accommodated. Space is a premium in almost every school I've seen.

Regarding the broader issue, it sounds like this school might not be the best place for your kid. They might not have the ability to accommodate his needs. If it is just this teacher, it is almost the end of the year and you can hope for better luck next time - and make sure to monitor the situation much more closely. But it sounds like you might not be getting what you need from the whole administration, in which case you need to do what is right for your own situation. I'm not familiar enough with the yeshivas to know if a better one exists, if it doesn't, you might have to make the tough decision to un-mainstream. Remember, as much as inclusion is generally promoted, your personal main criterion has to be where your child can grow the most.

Optione

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 9:36 pm

I'm sorry that this is so challenging.

One thought and suggestion: e-mail is a set-up for miscommunication. Can I suggest that you call the person who can give you an answer? Maybe even say to her/hm "I want to discuss accommodations for my son. Would you rather we discuss it on the phone or should I set up a meeting?"

Good Luck!

seeker

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 9:38 pm

Also, I think most schools I've seen DO actually seem to have the students' best interests at heart, but heart is not enough. You also need a whole lot of resources to make it happen, including knowledge, time, and personnel. THAT's what's missing in most yeshivas. I think they want to help, they just don't know enough about how, and they don't necessarily have the resources to learn. It's a real shame.

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 9:56 pm

I did speak to the principal personally after sending the email.
'Co incidentally' the english teacher called me yesterday to tell me that she meant to call me for a while just has not had the chance. She proceeded to tell me how difficult he is and gave me a few examples, and what do I suggest? I did not know what to answer this lady.
Space is not the issue with regards to the accomodation that I'm asking for.

I spoke to his shadow tonight - she told me that after the school year she is asking a shailah about reporting this teacher - writing a letter to the board about her constant yelling at the boys in the class. She just wants to protect the kids, specifically my child right now. All she is asking for the next 6 weeks is to finish off the year as un traumatic as possible for him. It might seem like 'only' 6 weeks to some, and I told this to the principal today, but for my son, every day is a challenge at the best of times.

seeker

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 10:00 pm

OK, I guess I misunderstood your original post. I read that you asked for the aide to have a private space to work 1:1, and the school was uncooperative. I did understand from your broader description that there were more issues, but I thought that was what you were asking about. Sorry. Good luck finding a better arrangement. It's so hard because the ideal hasn't actually been built yet, as far as I know...

amother

Tue, Apr 30 2013, 10:14 pm

That's ok - I was asking for a private area for him. I did not know myself until now how bad this teacher really is. Nobody knows except the pple who are in the classroom every day. Not me, the principal - so I have to take her word for it - why would she lie?

You're right when u say there is no perfect scenario for him. I wish I can pull him out and send him to public school.

granolamom

Wed, May 01 2013, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

you can.
I dont think a public school placement dooms a frum child. sometimes its better than anything the yeshivos are able to offer. I'm not saying I think you should or shouldnt, but if that is truly your wish, you can do it.

I spent about 6 years saying 'I wish I could just homeschool' until things got so sad for my child that I just pulled him out and did it. my only regret was not having done it sooner.

Mama Bear

Wed, May 01 2013, 10:57 am

I dontknow where you live, but Shma Koleinu called me yesterday that they have slots. They are a non public free school with Jewish teachers and Jewish kids and their students are mostly on the spectrum. You can still get in for next year.

greenfire

Wed, May 01 2013, 11:04 am

you are his best advocate ... even luckier that you found a great shadow who stands behind your son

best that I can tell you is that if mainstreaming isn't working out - go to the special ed schools - they most likely are used to people like your son and hopefully are better educated in dealing with these situations

most schools promise the moon yet can't be bothered ... although I don't really think it was an unreasonable request of you

amother

Wed, May 01 2013, 4:09 pm

Just curious about what you think...

What's better, a special needs jewish school, or a public school that is mainstream?

thanks,

Shema Koleinu is in New York, right?

I don't live in the US

granolamom

Wed, May 01 2013, 9:05 pm

amother wrote:

Just curious about what you think...

What's better, a special needs jewish school, or a public school that is mainstream?

thanks,

Shema Koleinu is in New York, right?

I don't live in the US

I think a special needs Jewish school is better for some kids and a mainstream public school is better for other kids. its really a matter of who your child is, what he needs, and who can best provide it. no school is perfect for anyone, much less everyone.

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