Grandma keeps commenting on my weight, so insulted!

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Forum -> Health & Wellness -> Healthy Lifestyle/ Weight Loss/ Exercise

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amother

Mon, May 20 2013, 9:19 pm

I know I'm a little emotional/sensitive at this point in my life, so maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, but I really am not in a position to deal with this right now. I'm hurting enough I just can't handle insensitive comments.

My grandmother keeps making comments to me about my weight. I know I'm overweight, but I'm not 300 pounds, I wear a size 12, that's not so crazy. I was thin (size 6) until about 2 years ago and gained weight due to a medical condition. I'm also not able to do any intense exercise because of my medical condition. Lately, she just doesn't let up. I gained most of the weight about 2 years ago and have not gained any weight in the past year and even lost close to ten pound in the last few months which was very very hard for me because of my medical issue. Two months ago, she asked me if I gained weight. I said no. A month ago, she asked me if she could pay for me to go to the gym. I said, no I have no time. Now she gave me a whole speech how I have to exercise because it's so healthy and it will be so good for me and she'd be happy to pay for it.

I don't need her commenting on my weight. I know she means well, she's trying to help. I don't think I look that bad, I'm just not thin like I was. If she'd be concerned about my health, I think I'd be able to handle it better, but I know she's doing it because she thinks I don't look good. I told my mother about it and she said tell her DH is not complaining so she doesn't have to worry. I don't want to say that to her because it's really none of her business, even if DH is complaining, it's STILL not her business.

I'm so upset about this. I'm in enough emotional pain due to my condition, I can't handle being hurt like this. Why does she have to keep going at it?? Every time I think about it, it just makes me cry all over again.

She is such a sweet, generous person usually, I've always liked her but I think that just makes it hurt even more.

Rutabaga

Mon, May 20 2013, 9:30 pm

My grandmother is somewhat like that as well, but she combines it with being a "Jewish mother." Over the phone she will tell me to watch what I eat, etc. She even told DH that she likes the fact that he can cook, but he shouldn't cook too much food. Rolling Eyes

When we go visit, however, she always pushes everybody (including me) to eat, eat, eat, and gets insulted when we don't. It's very irritating, but I try to ignore it because she's my grandmother.

If you really can't ignore your grandma on this topic, can you ask whichever one of your parents who is her child to have a word with her?

anotherima

Mon, May 20 2013, 9:34 pm

Tell her that when she makes comments about your weight it makes you feel bad and drives you to eat more. And when you need her help you will let her know.

Fox

Tue, May 21 2013, 12:54 pm

Are you my secret daughter? This sounds exactly like my mother. The irony is that until she was in her mid-70s, my mom was quite plump herself (think, a size 24-26 or so). She only really lost weight after having an illness that took away her appetite. Having lost over 100 pounds or more, she's now obsessed with food, dieting, and monitoring everyone else's intake.

Sadly, it's made her less pleasant to be around for everyone -- even my father. No one, even naturally slender people, enjoys having every morsel analyzed.

Various people in the family have tried to suggest that she's being hurtful and inappropriate, but she doesn't get it. She sees herself as "just trying to help." My own DD, who is more blunt than I am, finally said, "Bubbe, we can't come visit you if you're going to make remarks about everyone's weight. It is hurtful and cruel, and it is bad for all of us." Again, Bubbe was mystified.

So now she's trying a different tack: at some point during almost every conversation, she says, "See, I'm not saying anything about your weight today!" Sigh.

greenfire

Tue, May 21 2013, 1:08 pm

be direct and tell her this is something you can only work on in your own way & in your own time

is she aware of your medical condition ?

amother

Tue, May 21 2013, 8:14 pm

The problem is that no one knows about my medical condition, only dh and I. I did sort of ask my mother to say something to her but I didn't explain to my mom why I can't lose weight right now. I'm not sure if she will say something because it's her MIL and my father is not the type to say anything.

SS6099

Tue, May 21 2013, 8:22 pm

It's so hard... My grandmother used to promise me $ for every 5 lbs I lost... And then she bashed me for losing too much weight in her eyes when I developed a medical condition and couldn't eat. No happy medium unfortunately!!! But my condition was and is between me and DH so yes, it's tough!!!

Butterfly

Wed, May 22 2013, 9:34 am

amother wrote:

I know I'm a little emotional/sensitive at this point in my life, so maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, but I really am not in a position to deal with this right now. I'm hurting enough I just can't handle insensitive comments.

My grandmother keeps making comments to me about my weight. I know I'm overweight, but I'm not 300 pounds, I wear a size 12, that's not so crazy. A month ago, she asked me if she could pay for me to go to the gym. I said, no I have no time. Now she gave me a whole speech how I have to exercise because it's so healthy and it will be so good for me and she'd be happy to pay for it.
I don't need her commenting on my weight. I know she means well, she's trying to help. I don't think I look that bad, I'm just not thin like I was. If she'd be concerned about my health, I think I'd be able to handle it better, but I know she's doing it because she thinks I don't look good. I told my mother about it and she said tell her DH is not complaining so she doesn't have to worry. I don't want to say that to her because it's really none of her business, even if DH is complaining, it's STILL not her business.

I'm so upset about this. I'm in enough emotional pain due to my condition, I can't handle being hurt like this. Why does she have to keep going at it?? Every time I think about it, it just makes me cry all over again.

She is such a sweet, generous person usually, I've always liked her but I think that just makes it hurt even more.

OP you wrote that your grandma expressed to you concern about your health as an excuse for you to lose weight. She also gave you a whole speech about how excersize is important to one's (your) health. You feel though that she is not genuinely concerned about your health as much as she is rather concerned about your looks. Why do you assume that? She sounds very caring as she is even willing to pay for the gym... People go to gym for health reasons too and not just for weight loss reasons. Perhaps you may want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she does mean what she says....

Secondly about her commenting about the weight. I bet she feels extremely close to you. She knows you acknowledge how dear you are to her. And like most moms who feel they can freely comment on anything they don't approve of, in the name of love and good upbringing - some also fail to realize how certain comments can unfortunately bring forth severe negative impacts ...

Op as a grandma myself my advice to you; Don't send messengers to your grandma. You don't know how they might relate the message to her. Chances are that she might not receive the message correctly and may thus feel hurt and humiliated that you've been 'badmouthing' her.

Be your own advocate! Nothing works better and more effective than one speaking from the heart!
Express your sincere feelings to her. Be specific!

Ask her politely, and half smilingly (if possible) to please stop commenting about your weight. Allow her to acknowledge that you are pained by it by also sharing with her how it sometimes makes you cry.

And last but not least thank Hashem that you are privileged to have such a wonderful grandma who is so sweet and generous {your words.
I might add; Genuinely caring and loving as well...

Delores

Wed, May 22 2013, 9:51 am

A word about grandmothers and old people in general: They give advice about everything. It's almost like they feel obligated. I love love love my grandmother, but when she tells me a)how many kids I should have b)What my job or my husband's job should be c)What and how often my kids should eat etc... I usually smile at her and say "I prefer to make my own decisions". Please don't get mad at her she's like every other grandmother I know.

wifenmother

Wed, May 22 2013, 10:37 am

And I thought my grandmother was the only one...! She was always plump - still is. And I was very slim until a few years ago. Since I've gained some weight, my grandmother has been commenting... Never mind the fact that even now I am still not even close to how plump she was at my age. But then again, ever since her 80th birthday she seems to think that she has to comment about everything and anything and give everyone unsolicited advice. I learned the hard way that responding does not and will not help. So I just smile and nod (or ignore - depending on how hurt I am by her comment) and daven that when I reach old age, I should be more pleasant to be around than she is.

lavendar

Wed, May 22 2013, 11:46 am

my grandma comments but doesnt offer to pay for the gym !

tsiggelle

Wed, May 22 2013, 11:56 am

Size 12 is very good in my opinion.

Tell your grandmother that your doctor says your weight is fine, you are not planning to lose weight, you like yourself like you are, so please don't talk about it.

Sandwich it with words of love.

bigsis144

Wed, May 22 2013, 12:10 pm

Delores wrote:

When I was probably about 12 or 13, my grandmother told me to get a nose job once I was old enough... I have no doubt she loved me and found me beautiful (she was an AWESOME bubby), but many old people just don't have filters anymore.

tsiggelle

Wed, May 22 2013, 12:32 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Delores wrote:

If you haven't , start praying now to keep your filters when you are old.

amother

Thu, May 23 2013, 4:04 pm

tsiggelle wrote:

Thank you!! I am NOT morbidly obese. I do NOT look like I'm about to drop dead from a heart attack. I know my grandmother, and I know that the reason she is 'concerned' is because of how I look, not because of health.

tsiggelle

Fri, May 24 2013, 7:48 am

amother wrote:

tsiggelle wrote:

What about YOU? Do YOU think you look ok? If not, why not?

amother

Fri, May 24 2013, 8:41 am

bigsis144 wrote:

Delores wrote:

My grandmother never had a filter to start with. It's way harder on her kids, though, most if us grandkids can just laugh it off most of the time.

PinkFridge

Fri, May 24 2013, 8:51 am

Not having had a grandma, I find this discussion interesting, and am taking mental notes for when the grandkids get bigger ;-)
Now had I had grandmothers, they would have been born in an era where size 12 was not only not considered unhealthy, but was considered a sign of affluence and security. But I digress. The good thing is, you know that at size 12 you can look and feel good and aren't unhealthy. A question: do you have time for a gym? If so I'd be tempted to take her up on the offer if she could accept that you are doing to try to maintain your healthy weight and blood pressure and other numbers and that her paying shouldn't be "results"-oriented.

I do like the idea of getting your parent's help to troubleshoot if needed. Singular to reflect the parent who's Grandma's child.

amother

Fri, May 24 2013, 4:13 pm

OP again,

I realize that I don't look as great as I did 2-3 years ago. But I'm ok with that, I realize that there's really nothing I can do about it. I dress very well. I have a gorgeous sheitel and I wear makeup every day. I really think that I look good. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to do any exercise besides walking which I do on my treadmill at home and that allows me to maintain my weight. Grandma paying for me to go to the gym is mostly purposeless because whatever I can do there, I can do at home. She is results-oriented, she doesn't want me to go to maintain my weight, she wants me to go to LOSE weight.

b from nj

Fri, May 24 2013, 5:21 pm

amother wrote:

Do you think you can confide in her about your condition so that maybe she will keep her comments to herself?

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