Talking to children about death

amother

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 10:27 pm

We just got a new passport for our 5 year old DD. Her old passport was returned to us in the mail, and she was looking through it curiously. I pointed out to her the stamps that showed when we had traveled. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "This is when we went to visit Zeidy when you were 5 months old. This is when you were 6 months old. This is when you were 8 months old, etc."

DD: "Why did we go visit Zeidy so many times."

Me: "Because Zeidy was very sick and it made him happy to see you."

DD: "What happened to Zeidy?"

Me: "Um...well he was very sick. Very, very sick, and uh, he died."

DD: "How did he get dead?"

Me: Help! How did I get into this conversation?!? "Well, he was very sick, and his body got very weak until it just didn't work anymore. But don't worry, it's not the kind of sick that you get."

DD: "But what was he sick with?"

Me: Aaaahhhh! "It was a sickness called cancer. But don't worry, that is a very serious disease. It's not like you or Mommy or Abba getting a cold or a tummy ache."

DD: "Are you going to die?"

Me: desperately trying to figure out how to change the topic "Well, everybody dies eventually, but hopefully not until they are very old."

DD: "OK!" goes off to play

Me: sigh of relief

So that is not exactly word for word because my memory is not that good, but it's pretty much the gist. How did I do? Is there a better way to talk about death? Should I not have answered her questions at all because she's pretty young to be thinking about such subjects?

Amother because I've told this story in real life and I don't want to out myself.

the world's best mom

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 10:48 pm

Sounds good to me.

When I told my kids that the trial drug my brother was on had failed and there was nothing else left to try, they just said "oh" and continued eating their supper. I said, "So what do you think will happen to Uncle Chaim Dovid now?"

My daughter shrugged and said, "Die?" and went back to eating.

That was the extent of my death conversation with my kids, and we're staring death in the face. I think you explained it a lot better than I did.

mommyla

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 10:59 pm

I had a conversation that sounded pretty similar to yours with my precocious then-3-year-old DS, when his pet fish died. He got very upset after we flushed it and starting asking about when we will die and what happens to us (and our stuff, he was very concerned about our house and his bed) when we die. I answered in about the same words as you - iy"H we won't until we're much, much older and then we'll go to shamayim to be with Hashem. He accepted it, ran off to play, and now, more than a year later, I've never seen any signs of it being the wrong thing to say.

It's good that you answered her questions; if you hadn't, she'd probably get scared and come up with crazy ideas of her own.

the world's best mom, I'm so sorry about your brother. May Hashem give you and your family the strength to get through this difficult time.

whatif

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 4:13 am

Our 4 year-old has been very curious about death recently.
He asked where his grandpa's daddy and mummy are and we simply explained that they were very old and went back to Hashem.
Recently he asked why his grandma's mummy hasn't gone back to Hashem yet because she's really old!
Whenever he asks, I just respond very naturally that people get older and older and then eventually they die and go back to Hashem. Baruch Hashem, we have not been confronted with the questions of young people who die but I think that as long as we are talking about old people, then this is not threatening to a young child.

m in Israel

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 5:16 am

I think you did just fine. I find that all my kids this age asked about death, but it never really seemed to bother them. As Freidasima said, they didn't really understand much, particularly about the permanence of it (my 4 year old would play with his mentchies and they would often "die" and then "get alive again"). One of my sons at about 7 1/2 started to really think about death and lie awake in bed worried about who would take care of him if we (my husband and I) would die. With him we had to have more complete discussions, as he wasn't taking pat answers (he knew of younger people who had died, so I couldn't use the "when someone gets very old" line). We discussed how a person has a neshama and when it it time Hashem takes the neshama to shamayim and the body "dies". Usually that only happens when someone is old, but sometimes a younger person may either have a serious accident or get a very serious sickness, and die. But it is not something that is usual, so he does not need to worry about it, and if chv it happened to someone in our family every one else in the family would help and take care of each other, etc. But this was all at an older age.

I think the important thing is for you not to act as if there is some huge scary secret connected with death. This is part of how the world works, and we are sad when people we love die because we miss them, and that's ok. But don't overdo the drama and make them feel that this is a taboo subject.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 5:26 am

We lost my mom, and our little pug dog this year. I explained to DD that "sometimes our bodies don't work right, and the doctor can't fix it. When our bodies stop working, there's no place for the neshama to live, so it goes back to Hashem. We'll see again Grandma when Moschiach comes."

No, I did NOT tell her that the dog had a neshama! I told her that the little life spark that made our dog special is part of Hashem's creation, and it goes back to it's creator, to be with all of the other little dog sparks of life.

I was at a friend's house the other day, explaining this conversation, and her husband - a rabbi - overheard me. He raised an eyebrow and said "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." I glared back at him and said "Oh come on. Dude, work with me here!" He just laughed and shook his head. He thinks I'm crazy because I had a dog to begin with.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 9:45 am

I think you did fine.

I also think that this is a normal time for kids to be curious about death. I know that my five year old is, and has been for the past couple of years. He was fascinated with the fact that the mitzrim died when he heard about it, and he's always saying things like "Don't run into the street -- if you do, a car might crash into you and you'll die." He also somehow decided that when you reach 120, you die. (I've corrected him on that, but he likes to say it anyway.)

I think the most important thing is the attitude with which you talk about it. Don't act all nervous, like he's not supposed to have these questions. Just the facts, ma'am.

yo'ma

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 12:22 pm

Like all the previous posters said, you did fine. I told my children that the neshama is what gives life and now that the neshama went up to shamayim, the body is dead. I did say a little more.

My mother made a sweater for my 8 year old when he was little. Now my 3 year old wears it. He calls it Bubby's sweater. If anyone comments on it, he says it's from Bubby and then my 5 year old pipes in, she's dead!! Confused

amother

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 2:10 pm

Just a little perspective, I have a relative that lost his father at about age 5. When I asked him (he's now an adult) if he really understood the concept at that age, he told me this story...in his words (more or less): "Shortly my father's death was my 5th birthday, and my mother made me a party. Afterwards, she asked me how I enjoyed it. I answered: "It was really nice, but I was sort of hoping that Dad would come."

Children that age don't really understand the concept.