My dad keeps touching my daughter

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 1:08 am

My dad has zero sense of personal boundaries. My 8 year old dd is a very sensitive child. She needs her space. My dad keeps hugging her, picking her up, kissing her, when she is absolutely not interested. She squirms, complains, and sometimes even cries. She doesn't like being around him. I keep telling Dad not to touch her and not to bother her, but nothing has changed. They have no relationship really. They don't even speak the same language, literally. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to dd and explain that he doesn't know how to communicate with her in any other way, and ask her to put up with it? My greatest fear is that what he is doing is actually dangerous, because we're supposed to tell our children that they are allowed to say no to adults if they don't feel comfortable being touched. Is what my Dad doing putting her at a greater risk for molestation?

TIA.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 1:33 am

You absolutely have to step in and make it STOP! Your Dd needs to feel safe, and she needs to know that you will make someone stop touching her if she is unhappy - no matter how innocent it is. Your Dd will learn to "shut down" when touched, and that can carry over into many other situations when she may need to be more aware of her body and boundaries.

If that means no visits to Dad until he wraps his brain around the concept, then so be it.

This isn't just a zexual thing, either. I feel the same way about wet, sloppy Grandma kisses. If a child doesn't like it, in no way should the be forced to put up with it. There are plenty of ways to show honor and respect to your elders without having to compromise your physical comfort levels.

I modeled this with my daughter from day one. If she fussed and squirmed when I tried to love on her, I would back off immediately. When she was old enough to talk to, I'd say "See, if you don't like it, I will stop. That is what a good person does. If you say "no" and a person doesn't stop, then you can yell and scream and it will be OK. You won't get in trouble."

She's a very affectionate child, because she has the comfort of knowing that it will always be on her own terms, and that her wishes will always be respected. She has no problem with saying "Stop touching me!" and backing away. It's already saved her from a few bullies in school, who weren't expecting her to defend herself so firmly.

Isramom8

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 2:03 am

As a grandparent, I can imagine how frustrating trying to bond must be for your dad, even though you are right to make sure your daughter's boundaries are respected. Try to think of alternative ways for your father and daughter to bond, since they don't speak the same language. Other posters might have some practical ideas.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 2:07 am

Wow, I couldnt disagree more.

TAKING AS A GIVEN YOUR WORD THAT THIS IS INNOCENT NON-zxual TOUCHING BY YOUR DAD, I think it is going way overboard to draw parallels to * those* situations. This is an old man who does not speak the same language as his beloved grandchild and is trying (unsuccessfully albeit) to appeal to her, connect with her, entertain and be playful with him in the way that he can with a language (and probably cultural and age) barrier. I think this IS a teaching moment. It's a situation where it is appropriate to bring both sides together, teach your daughter a bit of kavod for her elders, explain to her that her grandfather loves her and wants to connect with her but doesnt realize how much shes grown up and that she doesnt enjoy playing like she did when she was younger... explain to her that grandpa would always put me on his shoulder/ throw me in the air/ tickle me/ bounce me on his lap... when I was a little girl. 9(Just because there are criminally ill sickos out there doesnt mean these activities are dirty or should be avoided like the plague... that in itself is a sad loss of innocence) Try to bridge the gap from her side and open her mind to the importance of connecting with people who we dont easily connect with, because they are family, important, our elders, etc. And then try to bridge the gap from the other end also. Instead of telling him not to do xyz, point out very matter of factly when she cries or complains, that she dislikes what he is doing. Then offer a SIMPLE playful alternative he can have with her since they dont have much else (that game where you have to slap the other persons hand and they have to move them quickly, or tic tac toe, or whatever easy old fashion game he can resort to when he sees her and wants to reach ouit. Say "I think all that otehr stuff you do makes her feel like youre treating her like a baby. How about xyz.. she thinks thats really funny or cool"

Your daughter needs to learn the difference between risky and ambiguous situations in which one puts up steel barriers and stands their ground and self protects at all costs, and innocent situations in which we allow a higher priority (trying to navigate a relationship with an older clueless grandfather, or even valuing our health so that we endure doctor exams etc) to ease our discomfort or bend our will. Ive seen really disengaged, willful preteens more and more lately, who have zero interest in anything other than their text messages, disney star icons, and friends gossip, let alone tolerating a cup of tea with a grandparent or respecting any sort of family bonds that seem irrelevant to their lives. Yes, even in the right wing frum world. Thats a sad outgrowth of an attitude theyve been fed that "if anything makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to reject it" They somehow read that as: "you are the arbiter of what is worth your attention... if youre uncomfortable or not having a fun time, you dont need to be involved"

abound

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 3:21 am

Teach your daughter your fathers language. It is crucial for a kid to communicate with their grandparents.

freidasima

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 3:40 am

What she wrote. Very important to be able to verbally communicate. Also boundaries are important and everyone including small children are entitled to their physical space. Time for a really nice and kind talk with all parties involved. With Dad to explain that your little girl is growing up and needs her space to learn to act like a young lady and not a baby and that they should try other ways of play. Card games with numbers don't require vocabulary that often. With your daughter to explain your father's behavior and tell her that sometimes kids have to have patience with adults who don't "get it", but that doesn't mean putting themselves in a physically uncomfortable place. Ask HER to ask him to teach her words in his language. More distant but close ways that some cultures show respect is through grandchildren kissing a grandparent's hand. Sounds weird? But it works.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 7:03 am

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 7:06 am

I speak from personal experience, don't let your daughter be in a situation where there is physical contact which is uncomfortable for her. It def leaves her with complications in relationships further down the line. No child should be left in this situation. Normally if an adult sees that what they r doing is making a child uncomfortable they stop, so pls ask yourself why doesn't he stop??

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 8:14 am

children have a right to say "no" and need to see that their boundaries are respected, whether it is touching, hugging, kissing, sitting on lap, pinching, tickling, being picked up....whatever it is no matter how innocent.
You need to tell your father to not to do it as she does not like it.
very healthy to have your child learn by example that their boundaries will be respected and their right to set them according to their natural inclination.

Rubber Ducky

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 8:27 am

Find activities that can help them develop a common language:

Scrapbooking (great way to organize photos and family history);

Gardening -- vegetables, flowers, or fruit;

Music -- instrumental if they play, singing if they don't.

Games: checkers, chess, fox & geese, battleship, Monopoly, dots, card games;

Art, drafting, crafts, woodworking...

MaBelleVie

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 8:51 am

Unless she's delayed, there's no reason she shouldn't speak his language. That's a huge mistake.

Anyway, teach her to be assertive. Stop stepping in for her and being her shadow. She's old enough to communicate something like this on her own, and it will empower her and most likely make him pay closer attention. But to do that she needs to know the words. Teach her.

greenfire

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 9:13 am

be direct - tell your father that not everybody can handle hugs - perhaps they can play a game together that can bring them closer together without any touchy feely goings on ... a good game would be how to speak grandpa's language - with flash cards or something

~ comprende
~ panamayish
~ farshtay

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 10:08 am

OP here. Thank you all for responding. There is a reason dd doesn't speak my Dad's language - we've had language delays and such. She does know enough of the language to communicate basic things, and he knows enough English for that too. The problem is, I don't think she knows what she is allowed to say. We've taught her not to say no to parents, and by extension, to grandparents. I don't think I know what to say either.

Tell me more about being assertive while staying respectful. I don't know how to do that, so I can't teach it to her. What usually happens is that Dad hugs her or picks her up or whatever, she looks clearly uncomfortable, I tell him to stop. Fine. Five minutes later, the scene repeats itself. I get more frustrated. Ten minutes later, same thing, and I get even more frustrated. At some point, I just end up yelling at him, and then I end up feeling terrible about being so disrespectful. I was raised to treat my elders with respect. I was definitely not encouraged to be assertive with anyone a generation or two older. Nobody talked about uncomfortable touch back then.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 10:12 am

amother wrote:

OP again. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't believe in personal boundaries. He thinks he should be able to hug his grandkids whenever he wants, and doesn't understand why I object. The kid can be squirming and trying to get away, and he would just hold them tighter and tell them that he loves them. (They understand that much of the language.)

granolamom

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 10:38 am

amother wrote:

OP, what do YOU believe?

do you think a grandparent has the right to "hug his grandkids whenever he wants" or do you believe a child has rights to say no?

there might not be a right or wrong answer here, but you need to uncover your own beliefs on the matter in order to either stop your dad or encourage your dd to put up with it.
neither will take your word for much if there is no conviction behind it.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 10:50 am

OP here. Good question. I believe in personal boundaries. I would never touch my child if I see that they don't want to be touched. I teach my kids not to touch their younger siblings, or other babies, if they don't want to be touched. I tell them that not every baby enjoys being held by a stranger.

At the same time, I also believe in respecting our elders. I don't know how to reconcile the two.

greenfire

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 10:51 am

just fyi - the title has a trigger effect to anybody who has been molested

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 11:41 am

greenfire wrote:

just fyi - the title has a trigger effect to anybody who has been molested

OP here. Sorry, I don't mean to trigger anybody. I can't change it though.

So I've been talking about this with dh, and we both agreed that I myself definitely have issues with touch, although dh feels that it's gotten better over the years. Now that I think about it, I do remember my own grandfather picking me up and bouncing me on his lap, and I remember feeling very uncomfortable but not knowing how to object. And there was no language barrier there!

MaBelleVie

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 12:05 pm

OK, if she has delays that explains the gap. Can she learn to say "I don't like hugs and kisses" in that language? Respect doesn't preclude giving her the tools to create boundaries within which she can feel safe. Teach her to say that phrase seriously while looking directly at him each time she feels uncomfortable.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 12:10 pm

tell your dad to stop if he doesnt get it then just dont visit or go when hes not around. you dont want her to get the wrong message that people can do it if she says no- for sad reasons. but also you want to make her feel like her feelings and opinions matter and she has a say in things

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next