My dad keeps touching my daughter

granolamom

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 4:41 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. Good question. I believe in personal boundaries. I would never touch my child if I see that they don't want to be touched. I teach my kids not to touch their younger siblings, or other babies, if they don't want to be touched. I tell them that not every baby enjoys being held by a stranger.

At the same time, I also believe in respecting our elders. I don't know how to reconcile the two.

You can respectfully stand up for your dd's rights. Respecting elders doesn't mean nullifying your needs. But I am coming from a different place than you, I believe children can say no to a parent, albeit respectfully and usually as an offering of alternative option or a request. And I even believe that my three year old has the right to refuse a bedtime kiss if she doesnt like them (she doesn't and it is so hard to refrain!)

chani8

Tue, Aug 20 2013, 7:25 am

Um, you said it yourself, OP. Your father has zero sense of personal boundaries. This is problematic. Your DD has a right to put boundaries in place, and you need to help her, and show her what to do when she's not being respected. "Grandpa, NO!" and push him away. And you need to tell your father to respect her. Period.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 20 2013, 7:53 am

1. I agree that the wording for her is "I don't like hugs and kisses." Teach it to your DD, and practice it with her.

2. Tell Grandpa that you agree in theory that a grandparent has a right to hug and kiss his grandchildren, but the grandchildren have a right to say no if they don't like it. Ask him if he was ever the recipient of unwanted hugs and kisses, and how did it feel. To ease the sting, you can use the old parental fallback of "She's going through a phase right now. If we give her some space, she'll be more likely to grow out of it."

3. He probably does need more ways to share his feelings with her. Teach him ways to say "I love you" in her language. And yes, help them develop shared activities they can enjoy with limited verbal commmunication.

It's funny how these things become ingrained. My 7 year old DS has PDD-NOS, and dislikes hugs and especially kisses. I always feel this sense of overstepping boundaries at first when I give kisses to my baby granddaughter, even though I know she likes it.

amother

Tue, Aug 20 2013, 9:16 am

actually I disagree that "grandparents (or anyone) has a right to hug and kiss their grandchildren"

since when?

they may want to and in many if not most situations this would be welcome behavior

however if a child does not like it the child's "rights" in this case take precedence and MUST to teach and encourage healthy behavior and boundaries

Um...why would someone grandparent or otherwise want to force their understandable wish to hug and kiss a grandchild on a child who does not like it? use it as an opportunity to learn how to express love in a way the other person wants it also -- otherwise what is the point? just to do what you want and teach the child it's not about love just selfish?

amother

Tue, Aug 20 2013, 9:21 am

respecting elders does not mean not being able to set a boundary

please clarify this for yourself and your children and the grandfather in a calm moment

set the limit before it happens

decide how you will end it before it gets to an uncomfortable point

don't let it happen at all

hatzlocha

you will all be better off for doing this -- otherwise the relationships will suffer -- know you are doing it in the service of better relationships -- which is true respect

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 10:43 pm

We had the same issue with our father in law. He's constantly touching and tickling the grandchildren and we always felt uncomfortable. I voiced my thoughts to my husband, and kept tight scrutiny on him around the kids. I never leave them alone with him.
My daughters got older. Came the day, my husband took the guts and told him clearly in the face: Dad, she's a big girl, please don't touch her! He understood and knew exactly what we meant.
Also, we told our girls if zaidy makes you uncomfortable, tell him you are old enough and only a kiss on the hand or forehead. No hugs or tickles. If he does otherwise they will let us know.

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 11:36 pm

You just don't have him around dd until he changes. Until you are sure that he won't do it again. Some people need a warning and a punishment to start behaving.

bubbebia

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 11:39 pm

Since your DD is getting older there is no reason why you can't explain to your DF that now that she is getting older, being hugged and kissed and tickled is uncomfortable for her. She's growing up and is becoming more uncomfortable with physicality now. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you but there are other ways that you can enjoy each other's company as she grows older. It's hard for us grandparents when our grandbabies move into new stages of life. They are always going to be babies in our eyes on some level.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 03 2014, 9:10 am

abound wrote:

Teach your daughter your fathers language. It is crucial for a kid to communicate with their grandparents.

It's not so easy, if the kid isn't interested or doesn't use the language regularly.

This poor man only has touch to communicate and is from a generation where touch wasn't taboo and personal space wasn't a "thing".

Still your dd has a right to be respected in her wishes.

He could get extremely upset if you remove touch...

I wish you good luck, I don't know what to say. Maybe he can understand if you say she has a problem of high sensitivity?? like, physical issue? this he might get more than mental.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 03 2014, 9:12 am

I think we've all been kissed by a wet mouthed/mustacchioed/annoying clingy old aunt and survived to tell the tale. Let's not jump from "grandpa is clingy" to "problems in her future" !