How to raise children not to be emotionally needy?

amother

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 1:39 am

Is there anything you consciously do or do not do to ensure your children are emotionally healthy balanced confident assertive etc?

Please share

fromthedepths

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 1:47 am

Yes. Meet their emotional needs, of course! If their emotional needs are met then they are not needy. If they're needy they need more one-on-one time.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 2:38 am

Don't over-reassure! I made this mistake, and instead of "nurturing", I was actually feeding into the anxiety loop that DD was stuck in.

Now, I reassure her once, if she comes back with the same question, I'll repeat what I said, and if she asks a third time, I'll ask her to repeat back to me what my previous answers were.

Then I will tell her that I believe that she is capable of handling whatever is bothering her, and that I am convinced that everything will be OK.

Kids do need your emotional support, up to a point. What I've learned in parenting class is that they also need to feel capable, independent, strong, and that you have a lot of respect for their ability to handle things.

Children mirror what they see in their parents. If you are emotionally needy, overly worried, or too protective, your kids will pick up on that. You don't have to say a word, they'll just know. Act as if your children are already emotionally secure, and they will want to live up to that image.

vintagebknyc

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 9:00 am

also, nature vs nuture. some children are emotionally needy (me), some are not (sister and brother). we all grew up in the same house.

amother

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 9:21 am

vintagebknyc - how did being emotionally needy affect your life? I find that it really hinders a person's ability to function at an optimal level.

Fox

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 11:06 am

Sadly, I think far too many of our girls' schools encourage and reward emotional neediness. They do this unconsciously, of course, but the net effect is often to undermine rather than support a child's growing ability to handle situations independently and self-soothe in upsetting circumstances.

In kindergarten and the primary grades, the currency is tears. A student bursts into tears, and everything stops. Whatever prompted the tears must be eliminated or somehow compromised, and often a treat or reward is offered to make the victim "feel" better.

Obviously, you don't punish a child for crying, but you don't create a system that rewards it, either! When children learn that their emotional needs are most effectively conveyed through tears, it reinforces a behavior that ultimately holds them back from developing more appropriate ways to communicate their needs.

As girls get older, the scenario changes a bit: often a principal, advisor, or mechaneches encourages unhealthy behavior. These ladies, frankly, scare me to death -- we call them "mind molesters" in my household. They encourage girls to speak with them almost daily, telling them about every minor interaction, and again rewarding tears and melodrama. While the intent is to help the girls, they are often simply making them more dependent and needy for praise and affirmation.

The most disturbing example I encountered was a principal who summoned my DD to the office for a confrontation because my DD had allegedly been "mean" to a fellow student and made her cry. The victim was already in the office, along with the school social worker and another teacher, both of whom were physically supporting the tearful teenager.

My DD, to her credit, stayed calm and explained the entire situation -- including some over-the-top provocation by the victim. The meeting disbanded, with the victim still sobbing, and my DD being asked, "Aren't you sorry you made her cry?" Subsequently, the principal verified my DD's version of the story, and I was summoned to the office as well.

The principal felt that my DD should have immediately come to her when the other girl behaved inappropriately. My DD said, "But why? I politely told her she was being unreasonable, and that was the end of it. Why should I have come to you?" The principal answered, "Because I want to know everything that happens. You shouldn't have to deal with any of these problems yourself."

My DD and I were both speechless. Here was a situation that my DD, everyone agreed, had handled appropriately and maturely. Yet rather than endorse her efforts and praise her for keeping her cool with a somewhat troubled classmate, the principal was doing everything possible to discourage adult interactions among the students.

I explained that while I understood the principal's desire to be kept in the loop, my goal as a parent was to help my daughter increase her skills at handling situations without adult intervention -- not decrease the opportunities to do so. The principal was incredulous. "No, we want the girls to come to us about everything," she insisted.

I don't know if this kind of undermining students' confidence in their problem-solving abilities is common or simply happens to be the norm in my community's schools, but it certainly makes it harder for parents to balance nurturing and challenges.

the world's best mom

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 11:17 am

I believe that babies who have all their needs provided and all their cries answered grow up to be confident and emotionally healthy. Dr. Sears's theory agrees, though many people here will disagree.

Spending lots of time interacting with your children when they are little will give them the emotional stability they need when they grow up.

Also, having Shalom Bayis is crucial to a child's emotional well being. In a home full of screaming and fighting, children will grow up to be very insecure.

sneakermom

Mon, Sep 09 2013, 11:49 am

the world's best mom wrote:

I totally agree